Jeremy Hawn is the cockiest person I know.  When we began discussing that we’d be facing one another in the first round of our fantasy football playoffs, he was immediately convinced that I didn’t have a chance.  I played it cool, complimented his players, and said that he might be wrong.  I guess that he forgot that I violated him the last time we played.

This time was no different.  I’m up by about 46 points and two of my players haven’t even played.  Mr. SanFrancisco, aka Charley, aka Chuck, aka Chuck Hustle was following our game closely since the winner of the game (me) faces him in the next round of the playoffs.  He described yesterdays game as “Super Duper Eye Rape”.  I couldn’t agree more.  Andre Johnson was a fantasy football coach’s wet dream.  He started the first play of the game with a 64 yard touchdown, and when it was all said and done he had earned me 42 points (that I didn’t even need).

According to Herm Edwards, “You play to win the game.”  On Sunday, Jeremy’s pathetic excuse for a fantasy football team did nothing of the sort.  As a matter of fact they did the exact opposite.  They got clowned by Tone and his…. friends.

sober as can be

When you run a sports blog, one would assume that you know a thing or two about sports, and Jeremy Hawn is no exception to that assumption.  His knowledge of football is vast, his insight on players is bountiful, and his mustache is all too often the topic of conversation.  While most people are watching their weekly reality shows and sitcoms, Jeremy is sitting in his Manhattan apartment sipping mimosas and studying sports statistics.  While you are at work, Jeremy is drafting columns about gruesome sex acts, how he hates Brett Favre, and how he’d like to perform gruesome sex acts on Brett Favre (prediction).

Since Mr. Hawn’s life basically revolves around sports, writing about sports, and his facial hair you would think that he’d have an unbelievable fantasy football team that trounces opponents on a weekly basis.  That is not the case.  This past weekend, my fantasy football team, Tone and Friends, destroyed YouPlayToWinTheGame by almost 35 points.  The entire time I was utilizing the “Smack Talk” feature to belittle Jeremy and his poor excuse for a fantasy football team with no response.

Towards the end of Sunday’s football games, I started to get scared that maybe I said something that hurt Jeremy’s feelings.  Shortly thereafter I decided that was impossible since Jeremy’s ego cannot be harmed even if you use quotes from Wu Tang Clan’s Torture skit.  I then called Jeremy hoping to belittle him and cause some permanent ego damage.  My plan was foiled when he claimed to have his “entire team” on a bye week.  His bye week problem could have been prevented by not drafting players that have the same bye week, but he wouldn’t understand something so logical.

Once everything was said and done, I was confused.  I asked myself, “How could I really get to Jeremy?”  I decided that it would be best to attack him using the thing that he loves most, this website.  So here I am Jeremy!  I will now insult you using the eloquent words of Iron Mike Tyson in hopes of permanent ego hindrance.  “You can’t touch me, you not man enough.  I’ll eat your a$$hole alive b*tch….. Look at you scared now you h#, scared like a little white p%ssy, scared of the real man.  I’ll f#ck you til you love me.