Eye Candy

Racist Team Name V Falcons

Any game involving The Unconscionably Racist Team from DC Whose Name I Refuse To Type is automatically eye rape.  They’re terrible, they’re coach is a dead man walking, their owner is thin-skinned and employs unheard-of levels of censorship on his own paying customers, and they just lost their best player to a concussion.  On the other side, Michael Turner finally played like a 1st round fantasy pick.  Only took him 9 weeks, too.  Eye Rape

Cardinals V Bears

As a Bears fan, my eyes should feel violated after a loss this bad, and should be in a room with police right now giving a detailed description of the Cardinal’s penis so that they can file charges.  But our nose tackle Tommy Harris punched someone in the face four plays into the game.  That has to be the first time that someone was actually hurt by a punch thrown in a football game, since most of the time said punches land on helmets and such.  Nice sucker punch, Tommy, you dirty b*tch.  Eye Candy

Ravens V Bengals

I refuse to be friends with anyone who dislikes Chad Ochocinco.  First of all, he’s awesome at football, and provides WAY less diva drama than other receivers.  Second of all, and maybe more importantly, he’s entertaining, engaging, and witty.  He legally changed his name purely for comedic purposes.    He has

Eye Rape

elaborate touchdown celebrations that he schemes up in the pre-season.  His stunts are funny, clever, and are only offensive to the most uptight bleeding vagina that ever had their panties in a bunch.  In yesterday’s game, Ochocinco pretended to bribe a ref with a George Washington to get the replay call in his favor.  Bravo, sir.  Bra-f#cking-vo.  Eye Candy from the Dollar Store

Texans V Colts

Any game that ends in a missed field goal is automatically eye rape, whether it’s this game or Super Bowl XXV (congrats, Giants, you didn’t lose).  That’s just the most deflating, anti-climactic way for a game to end.  The winning team didn’t even win by any actions or decisions of their own, the losing team just lost by blowing a routine play.  The only time a missed field goal ending was in any way acceptable was when the kicker was a guy named Ray Finkle.  Eye Rape, Laces Out Edition

Sorry to burst your bubble, but real-life "cougars" don't look anything like this. Any woman who looks this good isn't "on the prowl." She already has a man, and he is hanging onto her for dear life. Real cougars look like this, and smell like desperation and hot-flash sweat.

Dolphins V Patriots

This game could also be called “Wildcat V Spread,” but that sounds too much like your buddy’s story about boning some cougar he met at a bar (after striking out with every 20-something female in sight).  This one came down to the wire, with Brady and Moss providing the late-game drama.  Eye Candy, Cougar Style

Buccaneers V Packers

The Packers lost to the last winless team in the NFL. That REALLY softens the blow from my Bears getting their dicks ripped off and handed to them by Kurt Warner.  Delicious Eye Candy

Chiefs V Jaguars

This is about as ugly as it gets, folks: two poorly-coached teams whose players have given up and are just watching the clock tick down and the calendar pages flip by until the season comes to a merciful end.  Well, except if you’re Larry Johnson, whose season, and perhapse career, has already come to an end.  Who’s cakin’ now, patna?  Eye Rape with a Side of Domestic Violence

Lions V Seahawks

The Seahawks had to rally from 17 points down IN THE FIRST QUARTER to beat the Lions.  The Lions were the only team in the first quarter to score, then Seattle did all the scoring for the next three quarters (save a lonely Detroit field goal).  Anyone who was subjected to this travesty should get their ticket money refunded, and the people who watched at home should just be given a consolation gift, like flowers or a desert tray (you know, like when someone dies).  Eye Rape

Panthers V Saints

I shouldn’t be rewarding the Saints for having to come back against the Panthers, but this game had a nice back-and-forth to it.  The Panthers came out early, then the Saints rallied, then the Panthers tied it up, then the Saints pulled away in the 4th.  But again, this was an undefeated team against the Panthers and their QB Jake Del Boca Vista, so this one is an inbetweener.  Eye Candy from a dish at your grandma’s house that went bad several decades ago.

Chargers V Giants

Finally, a game that can be rated as eye candy purely for the action that happened on the field.  This game came down to the wire, and was decided by a touchdown with 21 seconds to go.  Now the Giants have lost 4 straight, and it’s looking more and more like the Saints will cruise to the Super Bowl out of the NFC.  Meanwhile, the Chargers had to cut wide receiver Chris Chambers after the game over concerns about his girlfriend stalking his wife.  Eli Manning outplayed Phillip Rivers, who is a terrible human being, and LaDanian Tomlinson continued to get his number called despite the fact that his career is very obviously over.  “The finest running back to ever wear an NFL uniform” my f#cking a$$.  Eye Candy

Titans V 49ers

I’m kind of hogtied on this one.  My friend Chuck Hustle sent me a text last night proclaiming this game to be eye rape, which, seeing as he’s from San Fran, is undeniable from his perspective.  But we also watched a reborn Vince Young lead a terrible team to their second straight win after being winless through 6 games, which is pretty compelling television.  However, this game also featured Alex Smith, who was supposed to be on a comeback tour of his own, but instead turned in a 3 interception/2 fumble/4 sack pants-shitting in his first home start in 2 years.  So Chuck was right.  Eye Rape

Cowboys V Eagles

Ok, we had one more game that can be called eye candy purely for the on field action.  This game was close throughout, involved several highlight-reel-worthy catches by Eagles receivers, and came down to the wire when the Cowboys went up for good on a touchdown catch by America’s favorite “Little Engine that Could,” Miles Austin.  Sweet Sweet Eye Candy

Steelers V Broncos

This game hasn’t kicked off yet, but I’m going to go with Eye Candy.  This game features a hard-hitting shampoo spokesman versus a guy with a neck beard who has been described as “quiet” and “shy” (i.e. potential serial killer).  I’m going with neck beard, out of fear of retribution from someone who looks like he might snap at any moment.

Eye candy

Jets/Dolphins

Wildcat wildcat wildcat wildcat wildcat.  I thought this was going to be a trend in football that died out quickly, like the spread offense.  I was wrong, at least when it comes to the team that invented it.  And apparently Chad Henne is a genuine QB prospect, though the Fins also worked in Pat White in the 4th quarter. The Dolphins are now on their 85th and 86th QBs since Dan Marino.  Serious Eye Candy

Browns/Bills

I would like to apologize to JaMarcus Russell for calling him the worst player in the NFL, because Derek Anderson just went 2 for 17 against the Bills.  Good thing you took Brady Quinn out, Mangini. The final score was 2 field goals to one field goal.  This game was ugly.  Lindasy Lohan ugly.  Eye Rape

Steelers/Lions

The Steelers are NOT repeating this year.  In fact, they’re not even good.  They beat the Lions by one score a week after my Bears doubled them in points and hung 48 on them.  I doubt they’re even making the playoffs this year in their tough division.  And the Lions were missing their starting QB.  If Matt Millen were still running them, do

Eye rape

you think he would have drafted Crabtree, Heyward-Bey, Maclin, or Harvin over Stafford?  That’s a rhetoric question.  He definitely would have.  Eye Rape

Cowboys/Chiefs

The Cowboys are terrible.  They’re not a playoff team.  The Chiefs almost beat them.  The Chiefs lost to the Raiders.  And the Cowboys needed a miracle play in OT to beat them.  That said, Matt Cassel looks like he’s for real.  Tony Romo looks horrible.  As an aside, welcome to the NFL, Miles Austin.  We’ll be seeing more of you I’m sure.  Eye Candy

Vikings/Rams

One team is 5-0, the other is 0-5.  So again, I have to ask: are the Rams the worst team in the NFL, or the least good team in the NFL?  Also, will we have a second straight year with a team going 0-16?  Maybe Steve Spagnuolo should have stayed with the Giants.  Eye Rape

Giants/Raiders

I was actually at this game… for the first half.  That’s how non-competitive this game was.  Sadly, even though I left at halftime, Eli Manning left before then, as in: the backups were already playing before the end of the second quarter.   At one point, the Giants had scored touchdowns on each of their first 4 possessions, and the Raiders didn’t have a single first down in any of their first four possessions.  That’s how big the gap is between a contender and what should be considered the NFL’s first minor league team.  Brutal Eye Rape

Buccaneers/Eagles

Another 0-5 team.  I think the Eagles D took the day off.  How else do you explain two TDs by Kellen Winslow, Jr.?  Eye Rape

Outrageously Racist Team Name from DC that I Refuse to Type/Panthers

This game was close, but only because both teams suck my left nut (not the right one, I’m saving that one for marriage).  Yes, it featured a huge comeback by the Panthers, but I would chalk that up more to DC’s incompetence than to anything that Jake Delhomme and company did.  These teams will be fighting for draft slots in a month.  Eye Rape

Bengals/Ravens

This was a great game.  It featured a last second touchdown, an Ed Reed pick-6, and lots of Eightfive (I don’t speak Spanish).  It also featured Ray Lewis taking Eightyfive’s helmet off on a viscious illegal hit, though Eightfive wasn’t hurt on the play and even got in Lewis’ face afterward.  Definite Eye Candy

Falcons/49ers

Mike Singletary needs to drop trou again.  His team played like the embarrassing  49ers of the last few years, not the inspired team we’ve seen so far this year.  Given, Frank Gore was still out with an injury, but still…  Their performance can best be exemplified by Dre Bly, who picked off Matt Ryan and thought he had an easy 80 yard return, so he started showboating as soon as he caught it.  But instead, Roddy White caught up to him, quickly, and knocked the ball away from him before a fellow Falcon recovered it.  Singletary sent Vernon Davis to the showers mid-game last year for half-assing it.  I will be surprised and confused if Dre Bly is allowed to play next week.  Vicious Eye Rape

Jaguars/Seahawks

Jack Del Rio is already fired.  I’m just waiting for the official press release.  The Seahawks are a terrible team.  They have TWO good players on offense.  That’s it.  And they hung 41 points on the Jags.  And Del Rio is supposed to be a defensive coach.  Also, I genuinely don’t understand how you get shut out in an NFL game.  Not even a field goal?  Really?  Seriously, Jags?  Eye Rape with a Sharp Object

Texans/Cardinals

This was another game that featured a furious second half comeback, and it also featured a goal-line stand to end the game.  The Texans came out from halftime and made up for their first half ineptitude by pulling within one touchdown.  They just missed sending the game into overtime, but were stuffed on the one yard line by the Cardinals D.  That’s got to be one of the most exciting ways to win for the home crowd.  Major Eye Candy

Patriots/Broncos

It’s weird how Belichick’s protegees always beat him in their first meeting (aside from Romeo Crennel, who wasn’t really a coach and didn’t run a real team).  I guess this means that Belichick will beat them in the playoffs like he did Mangini?  This one featured another double-digit come back, and went into OT where it was one by a field goal to push the Broncos to 5-0.  Tremendous Eye Candy

Colts/Titans

When Vince Young put out that statement this summer that he would take back the starting QB job and eventually win a Super Bowl, we all laughed.  Well, I’m not laughing anymore and neither should you.  He’ll definitely be a starter before the end of the year.  And with Jeff Fisher’s ability to put together a winner, this season aside, he might have a shot at a title down the line (especially with the draft picks they’re going to get in the next two years).  Also, Peyton Manning is good at quarterbacking.  Eye Rape

And there you have it folks.  It was a pretty even week as far as watchable/unwatchable games were concerned.  And the watchable ones were pretty damn good.  Plus, I was lucky enough to see in person the difference between an NFL team that will contend for a title this year and one that will contend for the first pick in the draft.  They always talk about parity in this league, why does no onw ever point out the MASSIVE difference between the best and worst teams?

Vince Young: not a good QB, but a great guy.

Here’s a couple tearjerkers for you:  First a story about Vince Young picking up the slack and taking care of Steve McNair’s fatherless kids.  Apparently McNair’s youngest sons had a breakfast event through their school with all of the kid’s dads this morning.  McNair’s kids had to hear all week how excited the other kids were about their dad’s coming and knowing that their dad wouldn’t be there.  So who steps in?  Vince Young.  Young has known the family since he was a  kid and attended McNair’s football camps and considers himself a big brother to the McNair’s kids.  He picked them up, took them to the even, and spent th whole morning with them, and even brought jerseys that he signed for the other kids in the boys’ school.  Commence sobbing like you just watched Bambi’s mom get shot for the first time.

In other news, some Phillies fan caught a foul ball for the first time in his life.  He then handed it to his young daughter as a souvenir… who then proceeded to throw it right back onto the field.  Dad, not wanting her to feel like she did anything wrong, immediately hugged her for her cutsie little mistake.  The Philly fans cheered the gesture.  The organization also took note of the moment, getting them all custom jerseys and a signed ball by Jason Werth, who had hit the original foul ball.  Now the whole family is going on the Today show…  Alright, this story is bullshit!  I don’t believe it.  I refuse to believe that Philly fans didn’t boo this little girl.  I smell propaganda from a mile away.  This HAS to be some kind of stunt by the Philly tourism board after those three Phillies fans killed that other Phillies fan over a spilled drink.  Call me a skeptic, but I’m keeping my eye on this one.  Either way, a photo montage of the events below.

• The Detroit Lions will be bad.  See?  I’m already 1 for 1, and the season hasn’t even started yet.
• Some team will come out of obscurity to prominence.  Since this is a total crap shoot, I’m going to go with the Texans.  It would be too easy to choose a team like Seattle or Jacksonville, since they were both awesome two years ago and just took a year off last year.  In fact, anyone who chooses them as “sleepers” is a pussy.  There.  I said it.
• Many idiots will pick the Eagles to win the NFC East or even the NFC Championship even though they’ve only won their division once in the last 4 years and have the exact same fucking team every year, with the addition of a couple young receivers and a psychotic backup QB.  Side prediction: Brian Westbrook will get injured this year and Donovan McNabb’s abilities to take his team all the way will be questioned by fans and the media.  Side note: that prediction I just made, which comes with a guarantee, is part of the reason that Philly will never win with this team.  Also, they can’t run up the gut.  Also, Andy Reed is the Walrus, koo koo kajoo.
• Eli Manning will continue to baffle everyone on the planet.  His face reads like he has no idea what’s going on.  He talks like an awkward pre-teen.  He throws for a low completion percentage.  Yet he wins and is considered a leader.  And those people aren’t wrong.  Sometimes I don’t get football.
• Kurt Warner will thank Jesus for something, and maybe even everything.  Just once, though, I want an athlete to blame God for their loss.  If he’s the reason why people win, then by deductive reasoning isn’t he punishing the losers?  And if so, can we start having sideline confessionals as to why the losing players feel that they are being punished?  Now THAT would be must see TV.
• Brett Favre will be forced to retire after this season with an inoperable case of old people smell.
• The Redskins will be ok at best despite spending tons of money in the off-season AGAIN.  Seriously, Daniel Snider doesn’t learn a thing.  Still trying to shove that one-more-expensive-free-agent peg through the championship hole.
• Green Bay fans will be disappointed when they wake up and realize that they are still fat.
• Philadelphia fans will disgrace their city by doing something atrocious.  Scratch that, Philadelphia fans will accurately portray their city by doing something atrocious.
• The Raiders will continue to provide more entertainment off the field than on it.  Unless you enjoy schadenfreude, in which case you will love watching the Raiders.
• Everyone on the planet will spend the first quarter of the season talking about the Wild Cat offense revolutionizing the game.  Then defenses will figure it out and it will be relegated to an occasional trick play.  That’s EXACTLY what happened last year with the spread offense.  The Pats used it to go undefeated in the regular season and everyone tried to copy them… Until the Wild Cat came out.  Then that was the new “revolutionary formation.”  It just proves that 90% of the population easily gets caught up in hype, and also has an extremely short memory.
• Both Ohio teams will suck balls.  And they deserve it, too.  Don’t give me that look, Ohio.  You know what you did.
• Vince Young will continue his mental breakdown.  It’s too early to say if this will be tragic, comic, or tragicomic.
• Several players will get arrested and suspended for a variety of offenses (I REALLY went out on a limb there).
• Travis Henry will get someone pregnant.
• Chad Ochocinco will do something hilarious that will offend Joe Buck’s delicate sensibilities
• Phillip Rivers will continue to be an indefensible prick and that will somehow further endear him to his teammates.  You stay classy, San Diego.
• Drew Brees will finally get that birth mark removed from his face and will win the MVP, proving that voters were misinterpreting the phrase “the face of the franchise.”
• Mark Sanchez will indeed follow in the footsteps of “Broadway” Joe Namath, and by that I mean that he will appear on TV wearing pantyhose and fur coats.

Ok, now onto the serious predictions:

Division Winners: Giants, Vikings, Falcons, Cardinals, Patriots, Steelers, Colts, Chargers

Wild Cards: Bears, Panthers, Ravens, Texans

NFC Championship: Giants over Falcons.

AFC Championship: Steelers over Raven

Superbowl: Steelers over Giants

For those of you thinking to yourselves that picking the Steelers is the safe pick because they’re the defending champs, you’re an idiot.  It’s pretty rare to repeat in this league.  It’s only been done seven times in the history of the Superbowl.  Compare that to the three-peats that happen in baseball and basketball, but never in football, and you’ll realize that this isn’t a safe pick.  You know what?  I don’t have to defend my predictions to you.  If you don’t like them, you can go make you’re own damned predictions.  I’m done here.