Eye Candy

Racist Team Name V Falcons

Any game involving The Unconscionably Racist Team from DC Whose Name I Refuse To Type is automatically eye rape.  They’re terrible, they’re coach is a dead man walking, their owner is thin-skinned and employs unheard-of levels of censorship on his own paying customers, and they just lost their best player to a concussion.  On the other side, Michael Turner finally played like a 1st round fantasy pick.  Only took him 9 weeks, too.  Eye Rape

Cardinals V Bears

As a Bears fan, my eyes should feel violated after a loss this bad, and should be in a room with police right now giving a detailed description of the Cardinal’s penis so that they can file charges.  But our nose tackle Tommy Harris punched someone in the face four plays into the game.  That has to be the first time that someone was actually hurt by a punch thrown in a football game, since most of the time said punches land on helmets and such.  Nice sucker punch, Tommy, you dirty b*tch.  Eye Candy

Ravens V Bengals

I refuse to be friends with anyone who dislikes Chad Ochocinco.  First of all, he’s awesome at football, and provides WAY less diva drama than other receivers.  Second of all, and maybe more importantly, he’s entertaining, engaging, and witty.  He legally changed his name purely for comedic purposes.    He has

Eye Rape

elaborate touchdown celebrations that he schemes up in the pre-season.  His stunts are funny, clever, and are only offensive to the most uptight bleeding vagina that ever had their panties in a bunch.  In yesterday’s game, Ochocinco pretended to bribe a ref with a George Washington to get the replay call in his favor.  Bravo, sir.  Bra-f#cking-vo.  Eye Candy from the Dollar Store

Texans V Colts

Any game that ends in a missed field goal is automatically eye rape, whether it’s this game or Super Bowl XXV (congrats, Giants, you didn’t lose).  That’s just the most deflating, anti-climactic way for a game to end.  The winning team didn’t even win by any actions or decisions of their own, the losing team just lost by blowing a routine play.  The only time a missed field goal ending was in any way acceptable was when the kicker was a guy named Ray Finkle.  Eye Rape, Laces Out Edition

Sorry to burst your bubble, but real-life "cougars" don't look anything like this. Any woman who looks this good isn't "on the prowl." She already has a man, and he is hanging onto her for dear life. Real cougars look like this, and smell like desperation and hot-flash sweat.

Dolphins V Patriots

This game could also be called “Wildcat V Spread,” but that sounds too much like your buddy’s story about boning some cougar he met at a bar (after striking out with every 20-something female in sight).  This one came down to the wire, with Brady and Moss providing the late-game drama.  Eye Candy, Cougar Style

Buccaneers V Packers

The Packers lost to the last winless team in the NFL. That REALLY softens the blow from my Bears getting their dicks ripped off and handed to them by Kurt Warner.  Delicious Eye Candy

Chiefs V Jaguars

This is about as ugly as it gets, folks: two poorly-coached teams whose players have given up and are just watching the clock tick down and the calendar pages flip by until the season comes to a merciful end.  Well, except if you’re Larry Johnson, whose season, and perhapse career, has already come to an end.  Who’s cakin’ now, patna?  Eye Rape with a Side of Domestic Violence

Lions V Seahawks

The Seahawks had to rally from 17 points down IN THE FIRST QUARTER to beat the Lions.  The Lions were the only team in the first quarter to score, then Seattle did all the scoring for the next three quarters (save a lonely Detroit field goal).  Anyone who was subjected to this travesty should get their ticket money refunded, and the people who watched at home should just be given a consolation gift, like flowers or a desert tray (you know, like when someone dies).  Eye Rape

Panthers V Saints

I shouldn’t be rewarding the Saints for having to come back against the Panthers, but this game had a nice back-and-forth to it.  The Panthers came out early, then the Saints rallied, then the Panthers tied it up, then the Saints pulled away in the 4th.  But again, this was an undefeated team against the Panthers and their QB Jake Del Boca Vista, so this one is an inbetweener.  Eye Candy from a dish at your grandma’s house that went bad several decades ago.

Chargers V Giants

Finally, a game that can be rated as eye candy purely for the action that happened on the field.  This game came down to the wire, and was decided by a touchdown with 21 seconds to go.  Now the Giants have lost 4 straight, and it’s looking more and more like the Saints will cruise to the Super Bowl out of the NFC.  Meanwhile, the Chargers had to cut wide receiver Chris Chambers after the game over concerns about his girlfriend stalking his wife.  Eli Manning outplayed Phillip Rivers, who is a terrible human being, and LaDanian Tomlinson continued to get his number called despite the fact that his career is very obviously over.  “The finest running back to ever wear an NFL uniform” my f#cking a$$.  Eye Candy

Titans V 49ers

I’m kind of hogtied on this one.  My friend Chuck Hustle sent me a text last night proclaiming this game to be eye rape, which, seeing as he’s from San Fran, is undeniable from his perspective.  But we also watched a reborn Vince Young lead a terrible team to their second straight win after being winless through 6 games, which is pretty compelling television.  However, this game also featured Alex Smith, who was supposed to be on a comeback tour of his own, but instead turned in a 3 interception/2 fumble/4 sack pants-shitting in his first home start in 2 years.  So Chuck was right.  Eye Rape

Cowboys V Eagles

Ok, we had one more game that can be called eye candy purely for the on field action.  This game was close throughout, involved several highlight-reel-worthy catches by Eagles receivers, and came down to the wire when the Cowboys went up for good on a touchdown catch by America’s favorite “Little Engine that Could,” Miles Austin.  Sweet Sweet Eye Candy

Steelers V Broncos

This game hasn’t kicked off yet, but I’m going to go with Eye Candy.  This game features a hard-hitting shampoo spokesman versus a guy with a neck beard who has been described as “quiet” and “shy” (i.e. potential serial killer).  I’m going with neck beard, out of fear of retribution from someone who looks like he might snap at any moment.

Get it?

After yesterday’s barely existent and extremely depressing sports news cycle we were owed a day full of interesting sports stories (and ones that didn’t make you want to take a bath with a plugged-in hair dryer).  Well, the sports gods have provided.  Here’s some links to the best stories of the day.

Hilarious f#ck ups from football announcers (from Holy Taco)

Oregon’s football coach gave a fan his money back after Oregon’s pathetic performance on the field.  I wonder what would happen if I tried to pull the same move with the Cubs for all the money I’ve spent on them…

Former receiver David Givens is suing the Titans for a withheld medical report that might have ended his career.  That’s not gonna win him any friends in Tennessee.

Kansas guard Tyshawn Taylor suffered an injury during a brawl between his teammates and the school’s football team.  Who do you think won?  I’m going with the obese people over the skinny kids.

Some rich guy with time on his hands wants to milk the one-sided rivalry between MJ and Bryon Russel.

This rookie on the who plays for the DC area football team (I refuse to use their horribly racist name) is a massive idiot.

Tom Brady and his wife Gisele are being sued because their security popped off some shots at the paparazzi.

We have our first NFL player arrest of the season!  Finally!  Now we can just sit back and watch dozens more of these roll in over the next 4 months.

Mark Reynolds set a single season record.  He should be ashamed of himself.  No, really.

Kurt Shilling finally realizes what we’ve all wanted from him all these years: to shut the f#ck up and go away so we can remember his career fondly.

Larry Fitzgerald’s brother thinks that Kurt Warner is stupid for setting a single game record for completion percentage and walking away with a win instead of chucking the ball up to Fitz.

That’s all I have for now.  If you want more, go google some sh*t, you lazy bastard.

JH out!

If nothing else, last night just reminded me why I hate Tom Brady: pure, searing, unadulterated, green-eyed jealousy.  This guy is basically a walk-on in NFL terms, gets a one in a million chance to start, ends up winning a Super Bowl in his first year starting, then goes 3 for 4 in Super Bowls (with the one loss coming off of the only 17-0 regular season, which is not a bad consolation prize if you ask me) over the next six years, comes back after a devastating knee injury like it was nothing, and as if that underdog to top dog story wasn’t enough to make you puke in your own mouth, he plays the field better than any guy out there save for Jeter, Pitt, Leo, and MAYBE Clooney, but I would give the edge to Tom over Clooney.  So now I give you Tom Brady, a rage-inducing montage:

"Oh my God! I can't believe I went from a bench player to Super Bowl MVP in the same year!"

"Wow. TWO Super Bowls... This is getting crazy!"

"Thanks everyone, I totally deserve this. This is my trophy. Other people just borrow it occasionally."

"This is my other trophy."

"Why yes, Martha, I DO have a bun in the oven. Ha ha. Good one! And yes, my boyfriend, Tom Brady DID dump me after he heard the news."

Would it be too mean to just name the kid "Bastard?" Bastard Brady sounds like a pretty badass name to me. Also, notice the trouble brewing at the bottom.

That's it, Tom. Just curl up into a bawl and take your beating like a bitch. 17-0 feels pretty empty when you lose the Super Bowl, huh?

... Maybe it's karma for leaving your baby momma when she looks THIS good. Since this pic is taken in the nursery, is it safe to say that she always dresses like this, even when changing diapers? I'm just going to say yes.

Then again... She looks pretty good too [I'm pulling the "tuck it into the waistband" move as I type this

Well, now that you have the 2008 season off...

... plenty of free time to knock up your new chick. Seriously? That's what she looks like when pregnant? I hope I look that good when I'm pregnant. Wait... what did I just say?

And... back on top. Fahk you, Tommy. Leave something for the rest of us, you greedy fahk.

"Boo hoo. I'm so sad to be leaving the Packers... So I can play for their rivals, even if I have to wait a full season in between."

Brett Favre has changed his mind for the 15th time, and has accepted a contract with the Vikings. “But wait,” you say, “I thought he had decided once and for all to stay retired and live in bumblefuck Mississippi.”  Well, dear reader, you clearly underestimated Brett Favre’s drive to compete, his need to feed his massive ego no matter what the cost, and his desire to kill his team with interceptions in key situations.

Now, most people say that I hate Brett Favre unfairly.  That’s true in the respect that, as a Bears fan, I truely hate the Packers.  And that guy usued to torture us in the 90s.  I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure we didn’t beat them for 3 straight years at one point.  I was also at the Monday Night Football game where we had him pinned on the one yard line, only to have him throw a quick slant to Robert Brooks that Brooks took to the house for the longest pass in NFL history.  The only thing redeeming about that game was the greatest catch in Bears history (note: it wasn’t made by a player).

But the real reason I hate Brett Favre is because everyone blows so much smoke up his ass.  Every Monday Night Football was dominated by John Madden basically sucking Favre’s dick on air.  “Oh, Brett Favre.  Look at how strong his arm is.  That throw can’t be made by other players, but Brett Favre can do it.  Look at how much fun he has.  Nobody has more fun than Brett Favre.  Nobody’s tougher than Brett Favre.  I heard that rainbows shoot out of his dick, and that he shits unicorns.  Oh, Brett…”

"Oh no! My team lost beacuse I threw a pick. Oh well, back to "gunslinging."

It’s infuriating.  In his last 4-5 years, he’s had one good season, which ended with him throwing a pick to end their playoff run.  And that would have been a fitting way for him to end his career, simply because it’s his most defining characteristic.  Brett Favre led the league in INTs last year with the Jets.  If you’re thinking, “Well he’s older and he broke down towards the end,” then you don’t know Brett Favre.  He’s the career leader in interceptions for a reason.  He’s led the league in picks 3 times, finished second 3 times, and was in the top ten every year of his career.  And the reason I say his pick to the Giants would have been a fitting end to his career, is that he is also the career leader in playoff picks, including a record 6 in one game.  Several of those picks, just like in ‘07, ended the Packers’ playoff run.  You guys can have your “gunslinger” flinging the ball around with reckless abandon, I’ll take a guy who takes care of the ball over that any day.  I don’t want a leader who goes all-in on every throw and gets burned just as much as he comes through.  It’s a huge rush to watch, but it’s still a guy taking stupid risks needlessly.

Tearfull Press Conference Number 1: I love pain killers! They make me feel great! Can't play without 'em! But, you know, you guys should pitty me and then completely forget about this in a few years."

Favre won 3 MVPs in a row and broke the record for consecutive games played, both impressive feats, until you remember that he did so while taking PEDs.  During his MVP years Favre was addicted to painkillers.  He admitted as much in a tearful press conference, something that would become common in later years with Favre.  Would he have been able to play through all of those injuries and through all that pain without those painkillers?  Of course not.  That’s just as much of a PED as anything else.  He never would have broken the consecutive games streak without them.  They were propping him up throughout it all.  I’m not saying that he would have been terrible without them, I’m just saying that he wouldn’t have that record, and his star would be significantly diminished without it.

I wouldn’t hate Favre nearly as much as I do if everyone else would just acknowledge these things.  But instead they completely ignore them and only focus on the “fun” that he has on the field and his records (but not the one for interceptions, and not the asterisk that should be on his consecutive games streak).  In the end, I would put Favre in the top 10 QBs of the modern era, but no higher.  Just off the top of my head, here’s the list:

1. Joe Montana
2. John Elway
3. Dan Marino
4. Tom Brady
5. Peyton Manning
6. Steve Young
7. Johnny Unitas
8. Brett Favre
9. Dan Fouts
10. Fran Tarkenton