The half-Irishman in me is disappointed, but not so much that I really want to see Henry’s head on a platter like the entire country of Eire. Well, at least he admitted to it just a few minutes ago.

So, who’s ready for the World Cup?

Saturday, 6:45 EST – Wolves v. Aston Villa (ESPN 2): Yeah yeah, anything can happen in a local derby and all that jazz.  In reality, Villa should be brimming with piss and vinegar and bunch of other stuff after humbling Chelsea last weekend.  But Villa have a tendency to fuck things up royal.  Still, I’d expect a win here, over a Wolves side where I can barely name one player.

10 AM EST – Hull v. Portsmouth: I apologize if this post takes on an angrier tone than usual, but Under The Bridge is on the radio right now, which might be the worst song released in the 90’s, and should have been a portent to how incredibly awful the Chili Peppers would eventually become.  Anyway, relegation six-pointer here.  Portsmouth really haven’t been as bad as their results indicate, and Hull have probably been worse.  Altidore still won’t play, and our hopes for South Africa take another kick to the ribs.  Frantic, desperate, passionate, but not all that much fun to watch.  1-1 here.

10 Am EST – Birmingham v Sunderland (FSC): So though the manner of the defeat was especially appalling, the actual result of Pool losing at Sunderland wasn’t.  The Makems should have walked out of Old Trafford with all three points, and they’ll take more big scalps as the season goes on.  With Michael Turner at the back, they’re pretty solid, and a strikeforce of Bent and Jones causes everyone problems.  Connecting the two are the now-not-hilariously-fat Andy Reid, who’s been wonderful.   That said, this has all the makings of a trap game.  Big win last week, everyone lining up to suck you off, and coming up against just a horrific team that you take lightly.

10 AM EST – Spurs v. Stoke: Stoke manager Tony Pulis wears a stupid hat on the touchline.  Spurs win.  That is all.

10 AM EST – Burnley v. Wigan: I keep waiting for Wigan manager Roberto Martinez’s up-tempo, entertaining style of play to pay off, and it clearly just isn’t going to.   Especially at Burnley, where they’ve been a tough out.  A slog, with Burnley managing some scrappy goal that you could probably score.

12:30 PM EST – Chelsea v Blackburn (FSC): John Terry’s tantrum after Villa’s second last week was so funny I nearly punched myself in the balls.  This guy has all the maturity of a 6-year old, but because he’s English, white, and looks like he just rolled out of the pub, all the Brits love him.  Never mind the fact that his pace will get exposed at the World Cup – if not sooner – and England will crash out earlier than they should again.   Anyway, still enough to see of Blackburn here.  Chelsea won’t hit a huge rut until African Nations Cup time, when they’re front line will consist of Nico Anelka and a cast of thousand B-level French dudes.

Sunday, 9:30 EST – Bolton v. Everton: Game will probably be worse than the hangover.

11 Am ESt – Man City v. Fulham: Fulham coming off a European tie, and are usually just abysmal away from home.  Man City have been lights out there.  What is 3-0 going off at?

12:15 PM EST – West Ham v. Arsenal (FSC): Arsenal were pretty poor in midweek, so they’ll either be looking to turn it up a notch here or still have a malaise.  Either should be enough to outdo West Ham, who have some serious bad mojo going on.  It’s unfortunate, manager Gianfranco Zola seems a good dude, but we’ve been through this.

GAME OF THE WEEK:  Sunday, 9:55 AM EST – Liverpool v Man United (FSC): I hate these games so much.  If you’re a sports fan of any team, then you know what games against your biggest rival are like.  They’re not enjoyable in anyway.  I shake for two hours.  I just want it to be over the minute it starts.  Even victories aren’t all that joyous, just a sense of relief.  It’s like chewing glass (there’s the connection!).  Anyway, Liverpool could be without Fernando Torres and Steven Gerrard — though I bet Torres plays — and United without Rooney.  So this might not be all that entertaining to watch for the neutral.  Pool are all kinds of turgid without those two, and United haven’t been all that entertaining even with Rooney, though far more effective.  Something tells me 0-0 or 1-1, but the game means so much more to Pool I could see them sneaking it.  Or I could see them getting tallywhacked 4-1.  I hope it’s the former, will have the razors ready for the latter.

While asleep I dreamed that I was at the USA v. Spain soccer match drinking beers in the stands with Alexi Lalas and John Harkes.  They were nice guys, but they wouldn’t stop talking about how in 1994 they played in the World Cup and defeated Columbia when the odds were against them.  I kept trying to tell them that was 15 years ago, and to give it up, but they continued to reminisce like a couple of former jocks at a high school reunion.

At the 27th minute when Jozy Altidore scored the American’s first goal.  Alexi turned to John and said, “Claudio Reyna would have made that look a lot better.”  John agreed and they continued to play grab ass while I celebrated.  47 minutes and 3 beers later Clint Dempsey put a ball in the net for the USA to make it 2-0.  At that moment Alexi and John looked at each other and simultaneously said, “Total trash!”

The score remained 2-0 and the Americans defeated the #1 ranked Spaniards, advancing to the Confederations Cup final match.  On the way out of the Stadium Alexi and John kept coming up with reasons why Spain should have won while I soaked up the joy of patriotic victory.  While walking through a crowd of people, we noticed a crying boy wearing a Spanish soccer jersey.  I asked him what was wrong, and he explained that futbol is his life and that he’s so upset he feels like he could die.  John Harkes took the boy’s hand, stared into his watery eyes and said, “How do you think Alexi felt when he thought he had HIV for a month after fucking that Italian stripper without a rubber?”

In an unrelated story, Landon Donovan was seen signing what is presumed to be an autograph in his own blood. The fan who received the signature was a short, red-hued, angry man with horns and a tail.

Donovan celebrates with Michael "Sonuva-Coach" Bradley.

This man was seen with Donovan shortly before the match on Sunday.

Anyway, the Champions League is the “match” or “game” between the two best teams in Europe.  Europe, for those of you who don’t know, is that place across the Atlantic where Eurotrash comes from.  Ok, I might be getting too deep into the explanation process.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, the “match.”  So FC (which stands for Football Club) Barcelona was playing against Manchester United.  This game was billed as the two top teams with the two greatest players in the world, Lionel Messi and Christiano Ronaldo.  If that really is the case, the two best teams and two best players, then there should at least be a couple dozen people watching in the U.S.  But why would there be so few?  Maybe because the game was a 1-0 win by Barcelona.  And the goal came in the first 10 minutes.  No need to watch after that.  Now, I actually like soccer, or football… whatever.  I watched a lot of the 2006 World Cup, and several games of the ‘08 Euro Cup.  Both tournaments were really exciting, and got increased interest with Americans.

But just when you think that the sport is going to catch on, you are reminded why our country, with it’s short attention span and need for everything to be bigger, better, stronger, faster, will never totally embrace soccer/football.  When only a fraction of your game contains relevant events or suspenseful moments, people are going to lose interest and change the channel.  I should know, I was one of them.  In the end, the only goal was scored by Messi, which I guess makes him the best player in the world or something.  For a more comprehensive comparison between the two, check here and here.  If you want to decide who the greatest of all time is, check here and here.