Cardinals/Saints

Here’s all you need to know about this game:

Not the QB shootout I was hoping for.  The Cardinals couldn’t protect Warner, which kept him from getting the ball in the hands of his talented receivers. Meanwhile, Drew Brees and Reggie Bush put on a pretty good show.

Colts/Ravens

I’m pretty sure the Ravens thought they were playing Hot Potato and not football.  They threw 2 picks, fumbled twice… even Ed Reed fumbled.  “But wait,” you say, “Ed Reed is a safety, how did he fumble?”  Well, Ed Reed picked off Peyton Manning, returned it 38 yards, and then got stripped.  Thus is the creative variety of the Ravens’ turnovers on Saturday.  It’s never fun watching a game in which one of the teams keeps shooting themselves in the foot.

Vikings/Cowboys

The Cowboys have sore vaginas.  They claim that the Vikings were running up the score on them.  The Vikings won 34-3 after a late touchdown.  The previous two weeks, the Cowboys beat the Eagles 24-0 and 34-14 (after the Eagles scored a late touchdown to make the score look less pathetic).  Keith Brooking charged the sidelines at the end of the game and shouted at Vikings’ coach Brad Childress. “I thought it was classless,” Brooking said. “I thought it was B.S. Granted, we get paid to stop them, but…“  Well, there you have it.  You blow out a team twice in a row, including in the playoffs, then get blown out and cry about it.  Then you admit that you didn’t do your job in stopping them and that’s why they beat the shit out of you.  Then you say “but” acknowledging that you’re being a hypocrite and a crybaby while simultaneously trying to justify it.  No, Keith Brooking, they aren’t classless.  They were competing with integrity.  They were playing hard til the end.  That’s what you’re taught to do in every game of every sport since you were in elementary school.  I’ll let the Vikings’ Visanthe Shiancoe, who scored the late TD, have the last word.  “Ok, we apologize.  I’m sorry.  Better?”

Jets/Chargers

This was the only good game of the bunch, though I’m sure several thousand idiots out there are complaining about the low score.  It featured a scoreless tie at the end of the 1st quarter, with both defenses dominating early (though the Jets’ uncreative offensive play-calling is probably to blame for their lack of a first down through their first 3 or 4 possessions).  Then the Chargers took control for most of the game, until the Jets fortunes were turned around starting with two interceptions, including this impossible grab by Darrelle Revis:

After that, the Jets scored two TDs in the 4th on a bootleg pass from Mark “Dirty” Sanchez and a breakaway 53 yard run by Shonn Greene.  The only downside to this game was the three missed field goals by Chargers’ kicker Nate Kaeding, which would have given them at least a tie and at most a win.  But despite that, this was a hard-fought close game from start to finish.  That’s about the least these teams could give us after watching the three previous ass beatings.

"Vince am hungry. Must feed!"

In assessing the first round NFL playoff matchups, ESPN’s Mark Schlereth named fat man Vince Wilfork the key to the Patriots victory, and presumably the one to blame if they lose.  The Patriots hopes to advance to the next round now lie on his broad, fat shoulders.  He must use his tremendous girth to lift his team up, stopping periodically to rest the weight of their expectations on his epic gut whenever he gets out of breath.  Wilfork has missed the last three games due to his foot breaking beneath his gargantuan heft, but will play in the playoffs now that he is “healthy” (i.e. still life-threateningly fat, but able to play).  “Vince is a great “athlete,” and really does a wonderful job at nose tackle,” said coach Bill Bellichick while making quote signs with his fingers at the mention of the word athlete.  “That job, of course, is to be heavy and wide.”

Eye Candy

Racist Team Name V Falcons

Any game involving The Unconscionably Racist Team from DC Whose Name I Refuse To Type is automatically eye rape.  They’re terrible, they’re coach is a dead man walking, their owner is thin-skinned and employs unheard-of levels of censorship on his own paying customers, and they just lost their best player to a concussion.  On the other side, Michael Turner finally played like a 1st round fantasy pick.  Only took him 9 weeks, too.  Eye Rape

Cardinals V Bears

As a Bears fan, my eyes should feel violated after a loss this bad, and should be in a room with police right now giving a detailed description of the Cardinal’s penis so that they can file charges.  But our nose tackle Tommy Harris punched someone in the face four plays into the game.  That has to be the first time that someone was actually hurt by a punch thrown in a football game, since most of the time said punches land on helmets and such.  Nice sucker punch, Tommy, you dirty b*tch.  Eye Candy

Ravens V Bengals

I refuse to be friends with anyone who dislikes Chad Ochocinco.  First of all, he’s awesome at football, and provides WAY less diva drama than other receivers.  Second of all, and maybe more importantly, he’s entertaining, engaging, and witty.  He legally changed his name purely for comedic purposes.    He has

Eye Rape

elaborate touchdown celebrations that he schemes up in the pre-season.  His stunts are funny, clever, and are only offensive to the most uptight bleeding vagina that ever had their panties in a bunch.  In yesterday’s game, Ochocinco pretended to bribe a ref with a George Washington to get the replay call in his favor.  Bravo, sir.  Bra-f#cking-vo.  Eye Candy from the Dollar Store

Texans V Colts

Any game that ends in a missed field goal is automatically eye rape, whether it’s this game or Super Bowl XXV (congrats, Giants, you didn’t lose).  That’s just the most deflating, anti-climactic way for a game to end.  The winning team didn’t even win by any actions or decisions of their own, the losing team just lost by blowing a routine play.  The only time a missed field goal ending was in any way acceptable was when the kicker was a guy named Ray Finkle.  Eye Rape, Laces Out Edition

Sorry to burst your bubble, but real-life "cougars" don't look anything like this. Any woman who looks this good isn't "on the prowl." She already has a man, and he is hanging onto her for dear life. Real cougars look like this, and smell like desperation and hot-flash sweat.

Dolphins V Patriots

This game could also be called “Wildcat V Spread,” but that sounds too much like your buddy’s story about boning some cougar he met at a bar (after striking out with every 20-something female in sight).  This one came down to the wire, with Brady and Moss providing the late-game drama.  Eye Candy, Cougar Style

Buccaneers V Packers

The Packers lost to the last winless team in the NFL. That REALLY softens the blow from my Bears getting their dicks ripped off and handed to them by Kurt Warner.  Delicious Eye Candy

Chiefs V Jaguars

This is about as ugly as it gets, folks: two poorly-coached teams whose players have given up and are just watching the clock tick down and the calendar pages flip by until the season comes to a merciful end.  Well, except if you’re Larry Johnson, whose season, and perhapse career, has already come to an end.  Who’s cakin’ now, patna?  Eye Rape with a Side of Domestic Violence

Lions V Seahawks

The Seahawks had to rally from 17 points down IN THE FIRST QUARTER to beat the Lions.  The Lions were the only team in the first quarter to score, then Seattle did all the scoring for the next three quarters (save a lonely Detroit field goal).  Anyone who was subjected to this travesty should get their ticket money refunded, and the people who watched at home should just be given a consolation gift, like flowers or a desert tray (you know, like when someone dies).  Eye Rape

Panthers V Saints

I shouldn’t be rewarding the Saints for having to come back against the Panthers, but this game had a nice back-and-forth to it.  The Panthers came out early, then the Saints rallied, then the Panthers tied it up, then the Saints pulled away in the 4th.  But again, this was an undefeated team against the Panthers and their QB Jake Del Boca Vista, so this one is an inbetweener.  Eye Candy from a dish at your grandma’s house that went bad several decades ago.

Chargers V Giants

Finally, a game that can be rated as eye candy purely for the action that happened on the field.  This game came down to the wire, and was decided by a touchdown with 21 seconds to go.  Now the Giants have lost 4 straight, and it’s looking more and more like the Saints will cruise to the Super Bowl out of the NFC.  Meanwhile, the Chargers had to cut wide receiver Chris Chambers after the game over concerns about his girlfriend stalking his wife.  Eli Manning outplayed Phillip Rivers, who is a terrible human being, and LaDanian Tomlinson continued to get his number called despite the fact that his career is very obviously over.  “The finest running back to ever wear an NFL uniform” my f#cking a$$.  Eye Candy

Titans V 49ers

I’m kind of hogtied on this one.  My friend Chuck Hustle sent me a text last night proclaiming this game to be eye rape, which, seeing as he’s from San Fran, is undeniable from his perspective.  But we also watched a reborn Vince Young lead a terrible team to their second straight win after being winless through 6 games, which is pretty compelling television.  However, this game also featured Alex Smith, who was supposed to be on a comeback tour of his own, but instead turned in a 3 interception/2 fumble/4 sack pants-shitting in his first home start in 2 years.  So Chuck was right.  Eye Rape

Cowboys V Eagles

Ok, we had one more game that can be called eye candy purely for the on field action.  This game was close throughout, involved several highlight-reel-worthy catches by Eagles receivers, and came down to the wire when the Cowboys went up for good on a touchdown catch by America’s favorite “Little Engine that Could,” Miles Austin.  Sweet Sweet Eye Candy

Steelers V Broncos

This game hasn’t kicked off yet, but I’m going to go with Eye Candy.  This game features a hard-hitting shampoo spokesman versus a guy with a neck beard who has been described as “quiet” and “shy” (i.e. potential serial killer).  I’m going with neck beard, out of fear of retribution from someone who looks like he might snap at any moment.

Eye candy

Jets/Dolphins

Wildcat wildcat wildcat wildcat wildcat.  I thought this was going to be a trend in football that died out quickly, like the spread offense.  I was wrong, at least when it comes to the team that invented it.  And apparently Chad Henne is a genuine QB prospect, though the Fins also worked in Pat White in the 4th quarter. The Dolphins are now on their 85th and 86th QBs since Dan Marino.  Serious Eye Candy

Browns/Bills

I would like to apologize to JaMarcus Russell for calling him the worst player in the NFL, because Derek Anderson just went 2 for 17 against the Bills.  Good thing you took Brady Quinn out, Mangini. The final score was 2 field goals to one field goal.  This game was ugly.  Lindasy Lohan ugly.  Eye Rape

Steelers/Lions

The Steelers are NOT repeating this year.  In fact, they’re not even good.  They beat the Lions by one score a week after my Bears doubled them in points and hung 48 on them.  I doubt they’re even making the playoffs this year in their tough division.  And the Lions were missing their starting QB.  If Matt Millen were still running them, do

Eye rape

you think he would have drafted Crabtree, Heyward-Bey, Maclin, or Harvin over Stafford?  That’s a rhetoric question.  He definitely would have.  Eye Rape

Cowboys/Chiefs

The Cowboys are terrible.  They’re not a playoff team.  The Chiefs almost beat them.  The Chiefs lost to the Raiders.  And the Cowboys needed a miracle play in OT to beat them.  That said, Matt Cassel looks like he’s for real.  Tony Romo looks horrible.  As an aside, welcome to the NFL, Miles Austin.  We’ll be seeing more of you I’m sure.  Eye Candy

Vikings/Rams

One team is 5-0, the other is 0-5.  So again, I have to ask: are the Rams the worst team in the NFL, or the least good team in the NFL?  Also, will we have a second straight year with a team going 0-16?  Maybe Steve Spagnuolo should have stayed with the Giants.  Eye Rape

Giants/Raiders

I was actually at this game… for the first half.  That’s how non-competitive this game was.  Sadly, even though I left at halftime, Eli Manning left before then, as in: the backups were already playing before the end of the second quarter.   At one point, the Giants had scored touchdowns on each of their first 4 possessions, and the Raiders didn’t have a single first down in any of their first four possessions.  That’s how big the gap is between a contender and what should be considered the NFL’s first minor league team.  Brutal Eye Rape

Buccaneers/Eagles

Another 0-5 team.  I think the Eagles D took the day off.  How else do you explain two TDs by Kellen Winslow, Jr.?  Eye Rape

Outrageously Racist Team Name from DC that I Refuse to Type/Panthers

This game was close, but only because both teams suck my left nut (not the right one, I’m saving that one for marriage).  Yes, it featured a huge comeback by the Panthers, but I would chalk that up more to DC’s incompetence than to anything that Jake Delhomme and company did.  These teams will be fighting for draft slots in a month.  Eye Rape

Bengals/Ravens

This was a great game.  It featured a last second touchdown, an Ed Reed pick-6, and lots of Eightfive (I don’t speak Spanish).  It also featured Ray Lewis taking Eightyfive’s helmet off on a viscious illegal hit, though Eightfive wasn’t hurt on the play and even got in Lewis’ face afterward.  Definite Eye Candy

Falcons/49ers

Mike Singletary needs to drop trou again.  His team played like the embarrassing  49ers of the last few years, not the inspired team we’ve seen so far this year.  Given, Frank Gore was still out with an injury, but still…  Their performance can best be exemplified by Dre Bly, who picked off Matt Ryan and thought he had an easy 80 yard return, so he started showboating as soon as he caught it.  But instead, Roddy White caught up to him, quickly, and knocked the ball away from him before a fellow Falcon recovered it.  Singletary sent Vernon Davis to the showers mid-game last year for half-assing it.  I will be surprised and confused if Dre Bly is allowed to play next week.  Vicious Eye Rape

Jaguars/Seahawks

Jack Del Rio is already fired.  I’m just waiting for the official press release.  The Seahawks are a terrible team.  They have TWO good players on offense.  That’s it.  And they hung 41 points on the Jags.  And Del Rio is supposed to be a defensive coach.  Also, I genuinely don’t understand how you get shut out in an NFL game.  Not even a field goal?  Really?  Seriously, Jags?  Eye Rape with a Sharp Object

Texans/Cardinals

This was another game that featured a furious second half comeback, and it also featured a goal-line stand to end the game.  The Texans came out from halftime and made up for their first half ineptitude by pulling within one touchdown.  They just missed sending the game into overtime, but were stuffed on the one yard line by the Cardinals D.  That’s got to be one of the most exciting ways to win for the home crowd.  Major Eye Candy

Patriots/Broncos

It’s weird how Belichick’s protegees always beat him in their first meeting (aside from Romeo Crennel, who wasn’t really a coach and didn’t run a real team).  I guess this means that Belichick will beat them in the playoffs like he did Mangini?  This one featured another double-digit come back, and went into OT where it was one by a field goal to push the Broncos to 5-0.  Tremendous Eye Candy

Colts/Titans

When Vince Young put out that statement this summer that he would take back the starting QB job and eventually win a Super Bowl, we all laughed.  Well, I’m not laughing anymore and neither should you.  He’ll definitely be a starter before the end of the year.  And with Jeff Fisher’s ability to put together a winner, this season aside, he might have a shot at a title down the line (especially with the draft picks they’re going to get in the next two years).  Also, Peyton Manning is good at quarterbacking.  Eye Rape

And there you have it folks.  It was a pretty even week as far as watchable/unwatchable games were concerned.  And the watchable ones were pretty damn good.  Plus, I was lucky enough to see in person the difference between an NFL team that will contend for a title this year and one that will contend for the first pick in the draft.  They always talk about parity in this league, why does no onw ever point out the MASSIVE difference between the best and worst teams?

Now I’m sitting in my bedroom at my parents house, delirious with hunger from having to fast for a day, and trying to digest the day in football since I can’t digest any food.  My Bears won an interesting game in which our opponent missed two easy field goals for the second week in a row, both games having been capitalized upon by a Jay Cutler-led drive for the winning score.  We also saw the Lions win for their first time in 20 games, which is a miserable stat in any sport, but especially one that only plays 16 games a year.  We also saw Brett Favre gun-sling his way to another victory in the way that only the old gun-slinging gun-slinger can because he has so much fun and likes to sling guns and don’t we all love Brett Favre and isn’t he fun-loving and gun-slinging. The lesson to be learned from him is: take unnecessary risks, d*ck everyone over everywhere, lie and cry your a$$ off, and you will be rewarded as long as you look like you have fun doing it.  There are few faces on earth I want to punch more than Brett Fav-ruh’s.

Mike Vick returned to playing football… poorly.  The Bengals had an exciting last-second victory over the defending (though not very well) champs.  The Colts officially ushered in Arizona’s Super Bowl hangover.  Kyle Orton showed that he can keep winning football games despite not displaying any discernible football skills.  The Rams are really going out of their way to prove that they are the worst team in the NFL.  Really guys, we believe you, you don’t have to convince us.  Fred Taylor proved that you can have 6,900 knee surgeries and still be a productive running back in the NFL.  Mark Sanchez continues to prove he is the greatest Mexican American QB who ever lived, and also continues to grow out a mustache just to frustrate all of the commentators who want to make a “Dirty Sanchez” joke on air, but will lose their job if they do.  One of these days, an announcer’s head is going to explode because of this.  Or they’ll just give in and be fired immediately.  Those are the only two options.  Keep it up Mark.

The Giants proved that my friend Dave and I totally overlooked Tampa as one of the worst teams in the league.  The Ravens continued to torture Cleveland fans who know that all these years of amazing defense and championship contention should be theirs, but instead their new franchise is in shambles while they continue to draft and sign terrible QBs with no end in sight.  Fun times in Cleveland.  Mo-Jo Drew played one man wrecking crew while Drew Brees took a breather and let his teammates carry him for a change.  I’m sure Phillip Rivers talked mad sh*t to the opposing team again after running in for a score, and really deserves a good kick in the nuts, hard.

That’s it for Sunday’s games.  Monday night we have a match-up between two teams who people thought were contenders in the last few years, and are setting their hearts on proving just how dumb any of those Super Bowl picks were for either team.  They also both feature QBs who people used to think were good, but are also out to prove just how wrong any of us were about that.  Good times.  But as the sign says, I won’t be watching or writing about it, because I’m a Jew and tomorrow is our day for being hungry and apologizing for stuff.  For serious.  Look it up if you don’t believe me.