Saturday, 6:45 EST – Wolves v. Aston Villa (ESPN 2): Yeah yeah, anything can happen in a local derby and all that jazz.  In reality, Villa should be brimming with piss and vinegar and bunch of other stuff after humbling Chelsea last weekend.  But Villa have a tendency to fuck things up royal.  Still, I’d expect a win here, over a Wolves side where I can barely name one player.

10 AM EST – Hull v. Portsmouth: I apologize if this post takes on an angrier tone than usual, but Under The Bridge is on the radio right now, which might be the worst song released in the 90’s, and should have been a portent to how incredibly awful the Chili Peppers would eventually become.  Anyway, relegation six-pointer here.  Portsmouth really haven’t been as bad as their results indicate, and Hull have probably been worse.  Altidore still won’t play, and our hopes for South Africa take another kick to the ribs.  Frantic, desperate, passionate, but not all that much fun to watch.  1-1 here.

10 Am EST – Birmingham v Sunderland (FSC): So though the manner of the defeat was especially appalling, the actual result of Pool losing at Sunderland wasn’t.  The Makems should have walked out of Old Trafford with all three points, and they’ll take more big scalps as the season goes on.  With Michael Turner at the back, they’re pretty solid, and a strikeforce of Bent and Jones causes everyone problems.  Connecting the two are the now-not-hilariously-fat Andy Reid, who’s been wonderful.   That said, this has all the makings of a trap game.  Big win last week, everyone lining up to suck you off, and coming up against just a horrific team that you take lightly.

10 AM EST – Spurs v. Stoke: Stoke manager Tony Pulis wears a stupid hat on the touchline.  Spurs win.  That is all.

10 AM EST – Burnley v. Wigan: I keep waiting for Wigan manager Roberto Martinez’s up-tempo, entertaining style of play to pay off, and it clearly just isn’t going to.   Especially at Burnley, where they’ve been a tough out.  A slog, with Burnley managing some scrappy goal that you could probably score.

12:30 PM EST – Chelsea v Blackburn (FSC): John Terry’s tantrum after Villa’s second last week was so funny I nearly punched myself in the balls.  This guy has all the maturity of a 6-year old, but because he’s English, white, and looks like he just rolled out of the pub, all the Brits love him.  Never mind the fact that his pace will get exposed at the World Cup – if not sooner – and England will crash out earlier than they should again.   Anyway, still enough to see of Blackburn here.  Chelsea won’t hit a huge rut until African Nations Cup time, when they’re front line will consist of Nico Anelka and a cast of thousand B-level French dudes.

Sunday, 9:30 EST – Bolton v. Everton: Game will probably be worse than the hangover.

11 Am ESt – Man City v. Fulham: Fulham coming off a European tie, and are usually just abysmal away from home.  Man City have been lights out there.  What is 3-0 going off at?

12:15 PM EST – West Ham v. Arsenal (FSC): Arsenal were pretty poor in midweek, so they’ll either be looking to turn it up a notch here or still have a malaise.  Either should be enough to outdo West Ham, who have some serious bad mojo going on.  It’s unfortunate, manager Gianfranco Zola seems a good dude, but we’ve been through this.

GAME OF THE WEEK:  Sunday, 9:55 AM EST – Liverpool v Man United (FSC): I hate these games so much.  If you’re a sports fan of any team, then you know what games against your biggest rival are like.  They’re not enjoyable in anyway.  I shake for two hours.  I just want it to be over the minute it starts.  Even victories aren’t all that joyous, just a sense of relief.  It’s like chewing glass (there’s the connection!).  Anyway, Liverpool could be without Fernando Torres and Steven Gerrard — though I bet Torres plays — and United without Rooney.  So this might not be all that entertaining to watch for the neutral.  Pool are all kinds of turgid without those two, and United haven’t been all that entertaining even with Rooney, though far more effective.  Something tells me 0-0 or 1-1, but the game means so much more to Pool I could see them sneaking it.  Or I could see them getting tallywhacked 4-1.  I hope it’s the former, will have the razors ready for the latter.

Saturday, 7:45 ET (ESPN 2)- Portsmouth v. Everton: For the second straight week, The Deuce gives us a game that if we actually woke up for, we’d have to really start to question our priorities.  Pompey are an overturned short bus at the moment, losing all 6 of their matches this season, and could be relegated by Thanksgiving.  Meanwhile, Everton have found themselves, and have corn-holed their last three opponents by a combined 11-0.  Granted, these were Blackburn, AEK Athens, and Hull which seems like picking on a 3rd grader, but still.  As long Saha stays healthy — which should be for about another five minutes — Everton will be a quality side.  They’ll roll this.

10 AM ET – Wigan v Chelsea: Interesting side, Wigan.  Though clearly a bottom half club, their manager Roberto Martinez wants to play an attractive, up-tempo style.  It’ll work against clubs on their level, but it’ll lead to them getting thrashed by bigger clubs who’ll look at the open space like Amy Winehouse looks a line.  Losing to Arsenal and United by a combined 9-0 pretty much proves that.  It’ll probably the same this weekend, when the Russian automatons pay a visit.  You can’t argue with anything’s Chelsea’s done, but they’re still a Didier Drogba injury (or trip to the African Nations Cup in January) from having serious questions to answer.  That said, they’ve improved little by little each game, and they’ll grab three points in front of the 15 people who don’t watch Rugby League in Wigan (if you’ve never seen Rugby League, imagine regular rugby, but for Sp.Ed.s).

10 Am ET – Blackburn v Aston Villa: While Blackburn manager Sam Allardyce, is out for this match, tearing a triceps while patting himself on the back, he might want to study his statement of how he’s turned this club around and they don’t need to worry about relegation.  At this point last year, under the guiding hand of the hot mess known as Paul Ince, Blackburn were actually better off.  And they haven’t played any of the big boys, other than Man City, yet.  As you can probably tell, I can’t fucking stand Fat Sam, and will be seriously hoping Martin O’Neil, an actual manager, stuffs his big mouth tomorrow morning.  Considering the size of it, though, you’d reduce several nations — possibly a continent — to starvation.  Villa are rounding back to form after a disastrous start, having won six on the spin.  Make it seven, for all of us.  Agbonlahor — by far the most fun name to say in the league — will get on score sheet again.

10 AM EST -  Stoke v ManUre (Setanta): You know how this one will go.  Stoke will sit back and park the bus and some buildings in front of their own net, then hope Rory Delap gets one throw in near the United box that somehow finds it’s way in the net.  Based on Rio Ferdinand’s and Ben Foster’s performance against City last week, it just might work.  No team fancies playing Stoke, it’s like a blind date and not at a bar.  That said, if Wayne Rooney still has a pulse, United probably find a way through.

10 AM ET – Spurs v. Burnley: After being smacked down by two of the big four, Spurs have learned a valuable lesson:  You must actually finish when presented with a chance.  We learn this every time we hit on a girl at the bar and miraculously connect with one.  They only come around so often, so to speak.  Had Crouch not hit the bar against United, and had Defoe finished his chance against Chelsea, they could have been two very different games.  But they didn’t, and proceeded to get tonked.  Luckily, Burnley are only interested in giving it a go against top-half teams at home, and should roll over like a roofie-victim at White Hart Lane.

10 AM ET – Liverpool v Hull (Fox Soccer Channel): Strange thoughts on this nervous night for my beloved Reds.  Five wins in a row in all competitions, but never looking all the convincing.  Especially with Jamie Carragher looking like he’s on Quaaludes in the defense.  Fortunately, Yossi Benayoun is in the form of his life on the other end of the pitch, and Fernando Torres is starting to fire.  And even more fortunately, perhaps the biggest moron on the planet manages the opponent tomorrow, Phil Brown.  As the old saying goes, “He couldn’t manage a piss-up in a brewery.”  The best result for us US-based Pool supporters?  A 4-1 win, with Jozy netting his first Premier League goal.

10 AM ET – Birmingham v Bolton: Who.  Cares.

12:30 PM ET – Fulham v Arsenal (Fox Soccer Channel): Tougher than it looks for the Gunners.  Fulham scalped United and Arsenal at The Cottage there last season, drew with Chelsea, and should have drawn with Pool until Benayoun intervened in the last kick.  Fulham haven’t been up to their standards of last season yet, and they are not a squad equipped to deal with a European campaign.  They also have no strikers, which is a problem in football.  Andy Johnson is a corpse.  Bobby Zamora has the delicate touch of a rapist.  Unless they grind out a 0-0 here, don’t expect a point.  And doing that against Arsenal is tricky.  Though their two big games this season have gone against them, they’ve still barfed up 11 goals in their last four games, and there’s no reason to think they won’t bang in a few here.  But then again, we all thought that last season.

Sunday, 11 AM EST (Fox Soccer Channel) – Sunderland v Wolves: Well, still better than NFL pregame shows, no?

Song For the Weekend:  “My Morning Song” by The Black Crowes

Yeah, ripping off Big Daddy Drew here, but we all are.  Anyway, you forget that before they turned into another annoying stoner jam band, the Crowes f#cking ruled.  And this song typifies way.  Yes, it’s a complete rip off of “Can’t You Hear Me Knocking” by The Stones, but that’s what they did best.  They were the guys in Georgia who listened to all the records we did, and the decided they would just do that.  Then came all the pot.  This is why I hate it when people want to legalize pot.  I’m hardly conservative, but it would just make all the stuff I like way more lame.  Now legalized cocaine….