Eye Candy

Racist Team Name V Falcons

Any game involving The Unconscionably Racist Team from DC Whose Name I Refuse To Type is automatically eye rape.  They’re terrible, they’re coach is a dead man walking, their owner is thin-skinned and employs unheard-of levels of censorship on his own paying customers, and they just lost their best player to a concussion.  On the other side, Michael Turner finally played like a 1st round fantasy pick.  Only took him 9 weeks, too.  Eye Rape

Cardinals V Bears

As a Bears fan, my eyes should feel violated after a loss this bad, and should be in a room with police right now giving a detailed description of the Cardinal’s penis so that they can file charges.  But our nose tackle Tommy Harris punched someone in the face four plays into the game.  That has to be the first time that someone was actually hurt by a punch thrown in a football game, since most of the time said punches land on helmets and such.  Nice sucker punch, Tommy, you dirty b*tch.  Eye Candy

Ravens V Bengals

I refuse to be friends with anyone who dislikes Chad Ochocinco.  First of all, he’s awesome at football, and provides WAY less diva drama than other receivers.  Second of all, and maybe more importantly, he’s entertaining, engaging, and witty.  He legally changed his name purely for comedic purposes.    He has

Eye Rape

elaborate touchdown celebrations that he schemes up in the pre-season.  His stunts are funny, clever, and are only offensive to the most uptight bleeding vagina that ever had their panties in a bunch.  In yesterday’s game, Ochocinco pretended to bribe a ref with a George Washington to get the replay call in his favor.  Bravo, sir.  Bra-f#cking-vo.  Eye Candy from the Dollar Store

Texans V Colts

Any game that ends in a missed field goal is automatically eye rape, whether it’s this game or Super Bowl XXV (congrats, Giants, you didn’t lose).  That’s just the most deflating, anti-climactic way for a game to end.  The winning team didn’t even win by any actions or decisions of their own, the losing team just lost by blowing a routine play.  The only time a missed field goal ending was in any way acceptable was when the kicker was a guy named Ray Finkle.  Eye Rape, Laces Out Edition

Sorry to burst your bubble, but real-life "cougars" don't look anything like this. Any woman who looks this good isn't "on the prowl." She already has a man, and he is hanging onto her for dear life. Real cougars look like this, and smell like desperation and hot-flash sweat.

Dolphins V Patriots

This game could also be called “Wildcat V Spread,” but that sounds too much like your buddy’s story about boning some cougar he met at a bar (after striking out with every 20-something female in sight).  This one came down to the wire, with Brady and Moss providing the late-game drama.  Eye Candy, Cougar Style

Buccaneers V Packers

The Packers lost to the last winless team in the NFL. That REALLY softens the blow from my Bears getting their dicks ripped off and handed to them by Kurt Warner.  Delicious Eye Candy

Chiefs V Jaguars

This is about as ugly as it gets, folks: two poorly-coached teams whose players have given up and are just watching the clock tick down and the calendar pages flip by until the season comes to a merciful end.  Well, except if you’re Larry Johnson, whose season, and perhapse career, has already come to an end.  Who’s cakin’ now, patna?  Eye Rape with a Side of Domestic Violence

Lions V Seahawks

The Seahawks had to rally from 17 points down IN THE FIRST QUARTER to beat the Lions.  The Lions were the only team in the first quarter to score, then Seattle did all the scoring for the next three quarters (save a lonely Detroit field goal).  Anyone who was subjected to this travesty should get their ticket money refunded, and the people who watched at home should just be given a consolation gift, like flowers or a desert tray (you know, like when someone dies).  Eye Rape

Panthers V Saints

I shouldn’t be rewarding the Saints for having to come back against the Panthers, but this game had a nice back-and-forth to it.  The Panthers came out early, then the Saints rallied, then the Panthers tied it up, then the Saints pulled away in the 4th.  But again, this was an undefeated team against the Panthers and their QB Jake Del Boca Vista, so this one is an inbetweener.  Eye Candy from a dish at your grandma’s house that went bad several decades ago.

Chargers V Giants

Finally, a game that can be rated as eye candy purely for the action that happened on the field.  This game came down to the wire, and was decided by a touchdown with 21 seconds to go.  Now the Giants have lost 4 straight, and it’s looking more and more like the Saints will cruise to the Super Bowl out of the NFC.  Meanwhile, the Chargers had to cut wide receiver Chris Chambers after the game over concerns about his girlfriend stalking his wife.  Eli Manning outplayed Phillip Rivers, who is a terrible human being, and LaDanian Tomlinson continued to get his number called despite the fact that his career is very obviously over.  “The finest running back to ever wear an NFL uniform” my f#cking a$$.  Eye Candy

Titans V 49ers

I’m kind of hogtied on this one.  My friend Chuck Hustle sent me a text last night proclaiming this game to be eye rape, which, seeing as he’s from San Fran, is undeniable from his perspective.  But we also watched a reborn Vince Young lead a terrible team to their second straight win after being winless through 6 games, which is pretty compelling television.  However, this game also featured Alex Smith, who was supposed to be on a comeback tour of his own, but instead turned in a 3 interception/2 fumble/4 sack pants-shitting in his first home start in 2 years.  So Chuck was right.  Eye Rape

Cowboys V Eagles

Ok, we had one more game that can be called eye candy purely for the on field action.  This game was close throughout, involved several highlight-reel-worthy catches by Eagles receivers, and came down to the wire when the Cowboys went up for good on a touchdown catch by America’s favorite “Little Engine that Could,” Miles Austin.  Sweet Sweet Eye Candy

Steelers V Broncos

This game hasn’t kicked off yet, but I’m going to go with Eye Candy.  This game features a hard-hitting shampoo spokesman versus a guy with a neck beard who has been described as “quiet” and “shy” (i.e. potential serial killer).  I’m going with neck beard, out of fear of retribution from someone who looks like he might snap at any moment.

Eye Candy

Welcome to another addition of Eye Candy / Eye Rape where I rate the NFL games this week in turms of their watchability.  Let’s get going:

Texans vs. 49ers: The first half was some brutal eye rape, but then the 49ers came back and almost tied it.  Plus, we got to see Alex Smith look like an actualy QB instead of a huge bust.  So, Eye Candy

Packers vs. Browns: The browns are walking eye rape.  Any game involving them will be in that category.  If you’re not watching Derek Anderson make a mockery of his contract, you’re watching Brady Quinn’s bulging arm veins.  They are the “pick your poison” of Eye Rape.

Chargers vs. Chiefs: This was eye sodomy.  One team is good but is full of a$$holes, one team is bad and is overshadowed by one ginormous a$$hole.  Speaking of which, watching LJ meltdown after the game over Twitter was definitely eye candy.  But the game itself?  Eye Rape with a Blunt Object

Colts vs. Rams: Much like the Browns, any game involving the Rams is eye rape, only more so.  This is easily the least-good team in the league and I’m fully predicting an 0-16 season out of them.  They’re worse than the Lions were last year, and they pulled it off.  In fact, each games play is pretty close to actual rape.  All that’s missing is the opposing teams d*cks in the Rams’ a$$es.  Eye Gang Rape

Vikings vs. Steelers: This one was the opposite of eye rape.  It was an eye orgasm with someone you love.

Eye Rape

I could watch Brett Favre get his ass kicked all day.  And lucky for me, that’s exactly what I got to see yesterday thanks to the Steelers’ defense.  Thanks guys.  I’m going to go smoke a cigarette now.  Sweet, Sweet Eye Candy

Patriots vs. Buccaneers: Seriously NFL?  You wanted to show THIS to England to try to get them interested in football?  That’s not even close to a genuine attempt at giving them a competitive game to watch.  All they saw was a track meet by the Pats.  There is no joke here, only criticism for the NFL.  If you’re going to bother putting on games in London, and are genuinely trying to build an audience there, why not bother to put together a good matchup?  This is just a waste of everyone’s time.  International Eye Rape

Jets vs. Raiders: JaMarcus Russel is eye rape personified.  I feel violated after every time I watch him.  Eye Rape so bad that it feels like actual rape.

Bills vs. Panthers: Two terrible teams battling it out to see who’s worse.  This game featured a new QB in Buffalo whose name I’m not even bothering to learn.  In fact, it hasn’t mattered since Flutie.  Lossman, Edwards, New Guy, it doesn’t matter.  They are terrible.  Eye Statutory Rape (in honor of Roman Polanski’s arrest)

Bengals vs. Bears: This was not only vicious eye rape, it was an eye hate-f#ck.  Cedric Benson spent a few years and a few million dollars being a bench player on our team, then got into a ton of legal trouble, then went to Cincy and showed us why he was the #4 overall pick.  Where was this when you wee in Chicago, Cedric?  And why do you feel the need to take revenge on a team that tried to make you successful, only to have you burn them with a series of arrests?  Eye Rape as some sort of sick revenge

Cowboys vs. Falcons: This was a pretty competitive game, but I most liked it for watching the emergence of a new NFL star, Miles Austin, an underdog if there ever was one.  He went undrafted out of Monmouth University and has spent 3 years as a role player.  Watching him destroy opposing defenses is about as pleasurable to watch as anything in sports right now.  Also, Patrick Crayton scored 2 TDs, further marginalizing Roy Williams.  I know it’s petty, but I can’t resist on bringing this back to Matt Millen.  That guy is officially 1 for 4 at drafting first round wide receivers (all top 10 pics).  Eye Candy

Saints vs. Dolphins: Delicious eye candy.  The Dolphins jumped all over the Saints early, which was intriguing given that New Orleans was undefeated.  But then Drew Brees started doing his Frank Reich impression, and the Saints came back from 21 points down to winning by 12.  It was like watching the Rope a Dope.  Extra points for Reggie Bush’s CRAZY leap into the end zone from the six yard line.  This wasn’t just Eye Candy, watching this game was like being at the titty bars in heaven.

Cardinals vs. Giants: Nobody watched this game.  Well, maybe Cardinals fans, and they probably liked it a lot.  Yes these were two good NFC teams matched up, but the Yankees were clinching, so only people in Phoenix cared.  Total Indifference to what was probably a good game.

Eagles vs. Redskins: This game didn’t deserve my viewership.  I vote that the Racist Team Name from DC That I Refuse to Type be banned from nationally televised games until Dan Snyder sells the team or installs his buddy Tom Cruise at QB.  Now, THAT would be an entertaining game to watch.  Eye Rape by an insane millionaire

And that’s it for this edition of Eye Candy / Eye Rape.  The final was: Eye Candy 4 – Eye Rape 8.  See you next week!