See?  She has him by the balls.  Get it?  Oh, man.  I kill me.  But really the jokes on me, because now I’m stuck with this asshole on my team.  That’s even less funny than funny than this post.  Get well soon, dick-breath, so I don’t have to regret picking you any more than I already do.

Tim Kurkjian, hiding a boner after watching Matt Wieters' debut.

commentator Tim Kukjian.  In a segment examining the hitting skills of Abert Pujols, Kurkjian appeared to ejaculate in his underwear.

“Look at that plate discipline,” Kurjian said.  “Nobody has a better understanding of the strike zone, or more patience at the plate waiting for something he can drive.  And when you have power like that, anything he gets a hold of has a chance of leaving the yard.  It’s very rare that someone can contend for both the batting title and the home run title, and he is that guy.  He’s such a special player, so special…oh, ah, ungh…”

Kurkjian then became very flush, contorted his face, and started convulsing slightly.  Once the convulsions stopped, he put his head down and looked very embarrassed.  Producers tried to cut away from the embarrassing scene, but had nothing prepared to cut away to.  Instead they panned to the rest of the Baseball Tonight crew, who looked on in disgust before scrambling to get to the next segment.  Just before going to commercial, the newest commentator on the broadcast, Hall of Famer Dave Winfield, was heard saying, “Get a hold of yourself man…”

After cleaning himself up, Kurkjian left the ESPN campus and went home to cut out the box scores from that days paper and save them in a scrap book, a daily ritual for the commentator.  He then went to his bedroom covered in posters of ballplayers, put on his Orioles jersey jammies (number 56 with the name “Kurkjian” across the back), said goodnight to his Starting Lineup figures from the 80s, and went to sleep with the ball game playing quietly on his radio so he could listen to his heroes as he drifted off for a nap.