Cardinals/Saints

Here’s all you need to know about this game:

Not the QB shootout I was hoping for.  The Cardinals couldn’t protect Warner, which kept him from getting the ball in the hands of his talented receivers. Meanwhile, Drew Brees and Reggie Bush put on a pretty good show.

Colts/Ravens

I’m pretty sure the Ravens thought they were playing Hot Potato and not football.  They threw 2 picks, fumbled twice… even Ed Reed fumbled.  “But wait,” you say, “Ed Reed is a safety, how did he fumble?”  Well, Ed Reed picked off Peyton Manning, returned it 38 yards, and then got stripped.  Thus is the creative variety of the Ravens’ turnovers on Saturday.  It’s never fun watching a game in which one of the teams keeps shooting themselves in the foot.

Vikings/Cowboys

The Cowboys have sore vaginas.  They claim that the Vikings were running up the score on them.  The Vikings won 34-3 after a late touchdown.  The previous two weeks, the Cowboys beat the Eagles 24-0 and 34-14 (after the Eagles scored a late touchdown to make the score look less pathetic).  Keith Brooking charged the sidelines at the end of the game and shouted at Vikings’ coach Brad Childress. “I thought it was classless,” Brooking said. “I thought it was B.S. Granted, we get paid to stop them, but…“  Well, there you have it.  You blow out a team twice in a row, including in the playoffs, then get blown out and cry about it.  Then you admit that you didn’t do your job in stopping them and that’s why they beat the shit out of you.  Then you say “but” acknowledging that you’re being a hypocrite and a crybaby while simultaneously trying to justify it.  No, Keith Brooking, they aren’t classless.  They were competing with integrity.  They were playing hard til the end.  That’s what you’re taught to do in every game of every sport since you were in elementary school.  I’ll let the Vikings’ Visanthe Shiancoe, who scored the late TD, have the last word.  “Ok, we apologize.  I’m sorry.  Better?”

Jets/Chargers

This was the only good game of the bunch, though I’m sure several thousand idiots out there are complaining about the low score.  It featured a scoreless tie at the end of the 1st quarter, with both defenses dominating early (though the Jets’ uncreative offensive play-calling is probably to blame for their lack of a first down through their first 3 or 4 possessions).  Then the Chargers took control for most of the game, until the Jets fortunes were turned around starting with two interceptions, including this impossible grab by Darrelle Revis:

After that, the Jets scored two TDs in the 4th on a bootleg pass from Mark “Dirty” Sanchez and a breakaway 53 yard run by Shonn Greene.  The only downside to this game was the three missed field goals by Chargers’ kicker Nate Kaeding, which would have given them at least a tie and at most a win.  But despite that, this was a hard-fought close game from start to finish.  That’s about the least these teams could give us after watching the three previous ass beatings.

Now I’m sitting in my bedroom at my parents house, delirious with hunger from having to fast for a day, and trying to digest the day in football since I can’t digest any food.  My Bears won an interesting game in which our opponent missed two easy field goals for the second week in a row, both games having been capitalized upon by a Jay Cutler-led drive for the winning score.  We also saw the Lions win for their first time in 20 games, which is a miserable stat in any sport, but especially one that only plays 16 games a year.  We also saw Brett Favre gun-sling his way to another victory in the way that only the old gun-slinging gun-slinger can because he has so much fun and likes to sling guns and don’t we all love Brett Favre and isn’t he fun-loving and gun-slinging. The lesson to be learned from him is: take unnecessary risks, d*ck everyone over everywhere, lie and cry your a$$ off, and you will be rewarded as long as you look like you have fun doing it.  There are few faces on earth I want to punch more than Brett Fav-ruh’s.

Mike Vick returned to playing football… poorly.  The Bengals had an exciting last-second victory over the defending (though not very well) champs.  The Colts officially ushered in Arizona’s Super Bowl hangover.  Kyle Orton showed that he can keep winning football games despite not displaying any discernible football skills.  The Rams are really going out of their way to prove that they are the worst team in the NFL.  Really guys, we believe you, you don’t have to convince us.  Fred Taylor proved that you can have 6,900 knee surgeries and still be a productive running back in the NFL.  Mark Sanchez continues to prove he is the greatest Mexican American QB who ever lived, and also continues to grow out a mustache just to frustrate all of the commentators who want to make a “Dirty Sanchez” joke on air, but will lose their job if they do.  One of these days, an announcer’s head is going to explode because of this.  Or they’ll just give in and be fired immediately.  Those are the only two options.  Keep it up Mark.

The Giants proved that my friend Dave and I totally overlooked Tampa as one of the worst teams in the league.  The Ravens continued to torture Cleveland fans who know that all these years of amazing defense and championship contention should be theirs, but instead their new franchise is in shambles while they continue to draft and sign terrible QBs with no end in sight.  Fun times in Cleveland.  Mo-Jo Drew played one man wrecking crew while Drew Brees took a breather and let his teammates carry him for a change.  I’m sure Phillip Rivers talked mad sh*t to the opposing team again after running in for a score, and really deserves a good kick in the nuts, hard.

That’s it for Sunday’s games.  Monday night we have a match-up between two teams who people thought were contenders in the last few years, and are setting their hearts on proving just how dumb any of those Super Bowl picks were for either team.  They also both feature QBs who people used to think were good, but are also out to prove just how wrong any of us were about that.  Good times.  But as the sign says, I won’t be watching or writing about it, because I’m a Jew and tomorrow is our day for being hungry and apologizing for stuff.  For serious.  Look it up if you don’t believe me.

• The Detroit Lions will be bad.  See?  I’m already 1 for 1, and the season hasn’t even started yet.
• Some team will come out of obscurity to prominence.  Since this is a total crap shoot, I’m going to go with the Texans.  It would be too easy to choose a team like Seattle or Jacksonville, since they were both awesome two years ago and just took a year off last year.  In fact, anyone who chooses them as “sleepers” is a pussy.  There.  I said it.
• Many idiots will pick the Eagles to win the NFC East or even the NFC Championship even though they’ve only won their division once in the last 4 years and have the exact same fucking team every year, with the addition of a couple young receivers and a psychotic backup QB.  Side prediction: Brian Westbrook will get injured this year and Donovan McNabb’s abilities to take his team all the way will be questioned by fans and the media.  Side note: that prediction I just made, which comes with a guarantee, is part of the reason that Philly will never win with this team.  Also, they can’t run up the gut.  Also, Andy Reed is the Walrus, koo koo kajoo.
• Eli Manning will continue to baffle everyone on the planet.  His face reads like he has no idea what’s going on.  He talks like an awkward pre-teen.  He throws for a low completion percentage.  Yet he wins and is considered a leader.  And those people aren’t wrong.  Sometimes I don’t get football.
• Kurt Warner will thank Jesus for something, and maybe even everything.  Just once, though, I want an athlete to blame God for their loss.  If he’s the reason why people win, then by deductive reasoning isn’t he punishing the losers?  And if so, can we start having sideline confessionals as to why the losing players feel that they are being punished?  Now THAT would be must see TV.
• Brett Favre will be forced to retire after this season with an inoperable case of old people smell.
• The Redskins will be ok at best despite spending tons of money in the off-season AGAIN.  Seriously, Daniel Snider doesn’t learn a thing.  Still trying to shove that one-more-expensive-free-agent peg through the championship hole.
• Green Bay fans will be disappointed when they wake up and realize that they are still fat.
• Philadelphia fans will disgrace their city by doing something atrocious.  Scratch that, Philadelphia fans will accurately portray their city by doing something atrocious.
• The Raiders will continue to provide more entertainment off the field than on it.  Unless you enjoy schadenfreude, in which case you will love watching the Raiders.
• Everyone on the planet will spend the first quarter of the season talking about the Wild Cat offense revolutionizing the game.  Then defenses will figure it out and it will be relegated to an occasional trick play.  That’s EXACTLY what happened last year with the spread offense.  The Pats used it to go undefeated in the regular season and everyone tried to copy them… Until the Wild Cat came out.  Then that was the new “revolutionary formation.”  It just proves that 90% of the population easily gets caught up in hype, and also has an extremely short memory.
• Both Ohio teams will suck balls.  And they deserve it, too.  Don’t give me that look, Ohio.  You know what you did.
• Vince Young will continue his mental breakdown.  It’s too early to say if this will be tragic, comic, or tragicomic.
• Several players will get arrested and suspended for a variety of offenses (I REALLY went out on a limb there).
• Travis Henry will get someone pregnant.
• Chad Ochocinco will do something hilarious that will offend Joe Buck’s delicate sensibilities
• Phillip Rivers will continue to be an indefensible prick and that will somehow further endear him to his teammates.  You stay classy, San Diego.
• Drew Brees will finally get that birth mark removed from his face and will win the MVP, proving that voters were misinterpreting the phrase “the face of the franchise.”
• Mark Sanchez will indeed follow in the footsteps of “Broadway” Joe Namath, and by that I mean that he will appear on TV wearing pantyhose and fur coats.

Ok, now onto the serious predictions:

Division Winners: Giants, Vikings, Falcons, Cardinals, Patriots, Steelers, Colts, Chargers

Wild Cards: Bears, Panthers, Ravens, Texans

NFC Championship: Giants over Falcons.

AFC Championship: Steelers over Raven

Superbowl: Steelers over Giants

For those of you thinking to yourselves that picking the Steelers is the safe pick because they’re the defending champs, you’re an idiot.  It’s pretty rare to repeat in this league.  It’s only been done seven times in the history of the Superbowl.  Compare that to the three-peats that happen in baseball and basketball, but never in football, and you’ll realize that this isn’t a safe pick.  You know what?  I don’t have to defend my predictions to you.  If you don’t like them, you can go make you’re own damned predictions.  I’m done here.