But before I start with the real teams, I’d like to give a shoutout to my alma mater. It’s not often that I get to brag to outsiders about a place mostly known for its disturbing conservatism and a murder-suicide scandal that was eventually made into a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit episode. (I went there because I thought it was less conservative, more libertarian, yadda, yadda…)

Anyhow, the news is this: Hillsdale College beat No. 1 Grand Valley State University for the first time in 15 years. GVSU hadn’t lost a GLIAC game since 2004. Basically, they were unstoppable. But we beat them. Because we are awesome. Props to you, Charger football team, props to you!

Alright, now, onto the real football picks.

Last week: 17-4 (also had a few non-picks, including Illinois-MSU)

Big East

They’re playing games this week on Thursday AND Friday. They REALLY need viewers, don’t they?

No. 8 Cincinnati (5-0) at No. 21 South Florida (5-0) (Thursday, 7:30/ 6:30c
OK, this looks like it will actually be a good game. The Bearcats intrigue me. I will choose them if only because on the highlights I see, they look like they’re on a roll.

Pittsburgh (5-1) at Rutgers (4-1), Friday 8/ 7c
This is why I hate the Big East for football. They’re seriously going to play this game on a Friday? Who plays on Friday if you aren’t in high school? Why will anyone watch this, and do they think people in their own viewing area will even care? Pitt, I guess.

Louisville (2-3) at Connecticut (3-2), 12/ 11c
In the Big East, nearly every game would be better indoors in the winter. This one is no exception. I’ll keep that in mind when making my picks from now on, and go with Louisville, just ’cause.

Marshall (4-2)at West Virginia (4-1), 3:30/ 2:30c
Does anyone else find it weird, looking back, that Randy Moss went to Marshall? He seems more like a Miami or USC kinda guy. A bigtime guy. Just an observation. I’ll go with the Herd, just for the hell of it.

Big 12

No. 20 Oklahoma (3-2) vs. No. 3 Texas (5-0), noon/ 11c
My colleague says this: “Can we really live in a world in which an Oklahoma team with a Heisman-winning quarterback is unranked?” God, I hope so. I’ll go directly against him and say UT wins big.

Texas Tech (4-2) at No. 15 Nebraska (4-1), 3:30/ 2:30 c
If the Huskers can best Tech, I think we can call them back for good. Can we? Let’s hope. No more Texas dominance. Go Blackshirts.

No. 17 Kansas (5-0) at Colorado (1-4), 7/ 6 c
Remember when CU was a feared football school? Remember when KU was a laughingstock unless you were on the court? This is almost a joyless exercise. Rock Chalk, again.

Baylor (3-2) at Iowa State (3-3), 7/ 6c
Iowa State maybe isn’t as bad as I thought, they almost beat KU. Either that or the Jayhawks just happen to be the best team in a weak division. OK, yeah, nevermind. Baylor.

Texas A&M (3-2) at Kansas State (3-2), 7/ 6c
I will keep picking against K-State until they stop wearing purple. Sorry, Gogol Bordello, but that color just makes K-State look even worse than they are.

Missouri (4-1) at No. 16 Oklahoma State (4-1), 9:15/ 8:15c
Man, does Mizzou get screwed when it comes to scheduling. They’ve played on a Thursday, on a Friday, and now this. 9:15 p.m. eastern? Just who do they think is going to watch this at 9:15 p.m. eastern? Many Mizzou or OK State fans on the east coast? Whatever. We know Mizzou isn’t nearly as good as maybe they should be— that Nebraska loss was embarrassing. But I’m still not convinced about the Cowboys, either. I’d say it’s a wash and pick OK State, barely.

Big 10
Iowa is awesome. I can forgive them their near eff-up against Northern Iowa after seeing that defense against legit teams. My preemptive Big 10 champions. Screw OSU.

No. 7 Ohio State (5-1) at Purdue (1-5), noon/ 11c
I did not realize how bad Purdue was.

No. 11 Iowa (6-0) at Wisconsin (5-1), noon/ 11c
Part 2 of Iowa’s four-part road test. They already won in State College, they have to prove themselves in Madison, East Lansing AND Columbus. I say they do it, I love that defense.

Northwestern (4-2) at Michigan State (3-3), noon/ 11c
Maybe Sparty is back at respectability. They should have been better this year. Guess not. I’ll go with them though.

Delaware State (1-3) at Michigan (4-2), noon/ 11c
You have GOT to be kidding me. Rich Rod cannot be serious here. Can we please get them to lose to a D-IAA school again? Probabaly won’t happen, but God I want it to.

Minnesota (4-2) at No. 14 Penn State (5-1), 3:30/ 2:30c
Penn State. I don’t care.

Illinois (1-4) at Indiana (3-3), 7/ 6c
Juice Williams was supposed to be the “it” QB of the Big 10, wasn’t he? What a tool. Hoosiers.

Independents
Army (3-3) at Temple, 1/ noon c
Big win for the cadets last week against Vandy. They can beat Temple.

No. 6 USC (4-1) at No. 25 Notre Dame (4-1), 3:30/ 2:30c
There are two and only two possible scenarios for this game: 1) USC scores four touchdowns in the first quarter and it is a boring blowout; 2) Notre Dame stays tough the whole time and takes it to overtime for a controversial win. There is no third option. That said, I hope it is choice No. 2 because if not my dd is going to be miserable, and I don’t want to have to deal with that.

Navy (4-2) at Southern Methodist (3-2), 8/ 7c
Don’t these teams play every year? I don’t even know. I’ll pick Navy.

MAC
Eh, not today.

In short, here are some observations. Big 10: mediocre, but not as horrible as others would have you believe. Big 12: Not sure, since no one played anyone. MAC: Still the MAC.

I’d also like to announce that, despite my previous disparaging remarks on the conference, I’m taking on all the Big East games, because the other guy who will be joining me in talking about college football doesn’t want them. Would you? But they have Cincinnati, which is technically in the Midwest. So that’s fun.

I’m also taking the liberty of talking about Notre Dame (they might as well be a Big Ten football team anyway) and Army and Navy. Gold-helmeted independents of the football world unite!

OK, enough bull. I haven’t even looked at which games are being played this week, so this should be fun (and way too long). I am copying and pasting them to this window right….NOW!

Big 12
Starting with them because the Mizzou/ Nebraska game is tonight.

No. 21 Nebraska (3-1) at No. 24 Missouri (4-0), Thursday 9/ 8c
Blaine Gabbert vs. the Zombie Blackshirts. Nebraska has the fewest points allowed in the NCAA, but that’s because they’ve only played the entire Sun Belt Conference (plus VT, a sh*tty loss). Mizzou has decent wins over Illinois and Nevada. Tigers keep rolling.

No. 15 Oklahoma State (3-1) at Texas A&M (3-1), 12:30/ 11:30c
That Aggie loss to Arkansas was embarrassing, but no more so than OK State’s win over Grambling. Pokes still win.

Iowa State (3-2) at No. 16 Kansas (3-2), 12:30/ 11:30 c
The good team from Kansas vs. the crappy team from Iowa. I know, it’s hard to keep these flyover schools straight, isn’t it? Rock Chalk.

Baylor (3-1) at No. 19 Oklahoma (2-2), 3:30/ 2:30c
Will he or won’t he? Hint: OU could put Wayne Coyne at quarterback and still beat Baylor.

Kansas State (3-2) at Texas Tech (3-2) 7/ 6c
Purple and red is an ugly color combination. Luckily, Tech won’t make me watch it for too long.

Colorado (1-3) at No. 2 Texas (4-0), 7:15/ 6:15c
Hey, Michigan isn’t the only BCS school who’s lost to Toledo in the past 12 months! Welcome to the club, Buffs!

Big 10
The title of this post says it all. The Big Ten: Where mediocrity happens.

Eastern Illinois (4-1) at No. 14 Penn State (4-1), noon/ 11c
This game is on ESPN Classic. Who is honestly going to go out of their way to tune into this game?

Miami (OH) (0-5) at Northwestern (3-2), noon/ 11c
The sh*tty Miami team takes on the only somewhat good Northwestern team. The other Northwestern team already lost to Houston and gets a tussle with Central Arkansas, a region of that state that, apparently, exists.

Purdue (1-4) at Minnesota (3-2), noon/ 11c
I have nothing to say to the state of Minnesota at this point. You are dead to me, and you can take your crappy dome with you. Boiler up, baby.

Michigan State (2-3) at Illinois (1-3), noon/ 11 c
The two biggest disappointments of the Big Ten this season. Whaddaya say we just skip this one and re-gather in Champaign come March?

Wisconsin (5-0) at No. 9 Ohio State (4-1), 3:30/ 2:30c
Your eyes are deceiving you. The Badgers are not REALLY undefeated. It’s all part of the media conspiracy. Or something. Bucks.

Indiana (3-2) at Virginia (1-3), 3:30/ 2:30c
Come on, people, give me something to work with here! I guess IU hasn’t lost to an FCS opponent, so I’ll give them the dubious nod.

Michigan at No. 12 Iowa, 8:05/ 7:05c
This might as well be the only game in the Big Ten this week. Both teams have humorously-named quarterbacks. Tate Forcier is just a sex pun waiting to happen (“It’s INSANE this guy’s Tait!“). And Ricky Stanzi kind of sounds like “stasi“, those wacky German police and their crazy antics. I actively root against Michigan, and I will continue to do so here. Hawks.

Big East
As per my agreement with Knoxy, I’m forced into this. The Bearcats don’t play this week, which makes it even more difficult to stomach.

West Virginia (3-1) at Syracuse (2-3), noon/ 11c
I had to come back to this one. I forgot anything I ever knew about these teams, which is basically nothing. Mountaineers get it by record default. Side note: Why do Syracuse have a dome in their logo? That’s gotta be the least intimidating thing ever. I miss the giant anthropomorphic Orange.

Texas Southern (1-3) at Rutgers (3-1), 3:30/ 2:30c
How can I say anything about this game? Seriously. This is why the Big East is even shittier than the Big Ten. Rutgers wins.

Connecticut (3-1) at Pittsburgh (4-1), 3:30/ 2:30c
This would make an awesome basketball game. Think Pit can get Levance Fields to play wideout? I mean, just for the hell of it? It would only make them even more awesome.

Southern Miss (3-2) at Louisville (1-3), 7:30/ 6:30c
Favre College nearly beat Kansas, so that’s something. Maybe they can beat Louisville too and get an at-large bid in the… whoops, sorry, wrong sport again. My bad.

Independents
If I didn’t preview Notre Dame, my dad would be mad at me. Luckily, they don’t play this week. But I promised you Army and Navy, so Navy and Army you shall receive.

Vanderbilt (2-3) at Army (2-3), noon/ 11c
Too many damn gold helmets here. Just get it over with, already, Vandy.

Navy (3-2) at Rice (0-5), 3:30/ 2:30c
One of the favorite cheers we’d do in high school against our rivals at Brother Rice was this: “What comes out of a Chinamans’ a$$? RICE! RICE! RICE! RICE!” Not much more to this one than that.

MAC
I don’t know why I thought I wanted the MAC in the first place, but I do. I’ll cover all the ones that aren’t already playing a Big Ten team.

Eastern Michigan (0-4) at Central Michigan (4-1), noon/ 11c
Dan LeFevo(u?)r is kind of awesome. For a Central Michigan Chippewa, anyway. Best thing to come out of Mt. Pleasant since Chris Kaman.

Ball State (0-5) at Temple (2-2), 1/ 2c
You know they named a building after Letterman in Muncie? It’s true. It in no way trumps Cosby, however.

Gardner-Webb (4-1) at Buffalo (1-4), 3:30/ 2:30c
I honestly thought G-W was Division II team. Buffalo could be.

Bowling Green (1-4) at Kent State (2-3), 3:30/ 2:30c
Since we’re on the celebrity alma maters thing, might as well do the same here: Drew Carey always beats… hey, wait… Ric Ocasek? Seriously? OK, nevermind. Go Falcons.

Ohio (3-2) at Akron (1-3), 6/ 5c
Who starts games at 6 p.m.? I guess if you’re in Akron, you’ve got nothing better to do if the Black Keys aren’t in town.

Western Michigan (2-3) at Toledo (3-2), 7/ 6c
I’m drained on this. I have nothing left in the snark tank. Toledo.

Finally, Grand Valley State University (6-0) at (Hillsdale College (4-2). It’s the faceless directional state party school (seriously, most generic campus ever) vs. the kinda lame uptight liberal arts college (many of our football cheers, no joke, were based either on Latin wordplay or works of literature…. eff me). Who will win?

Well, the Chargers have lost their last ten games against the Lakers and are a Division II athletics machine. (GVSU has a student population of 24,000. Hillsdale has a population of 1,400. Gee, I wonder why they often get their asses kicked…)

It does not bode well for the Chargers, but it is homecoming and they are better than they have been in ages, so who knows?