Tiger Woods’ Parade of Skanks

Jeremy Hawn — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 21:39:10 +0000

I wasn’t going to comment on this story at all. I was just going to let it run its course. I don’t think that a famous person caught cheating is newsworthy. There’s just too many important things going on in the world to pay attention to, and whether or not someone I don’t know is cheating on his wife just doesn’t rank high on the priority list. BUT THEN I STARTED SEEING THE PICTURES. It’s one thing for Tiger Woods to be cheating on his wife, which I don’t condone in any form, but it’s another thing entirely to be cheating on her with the low-quality skanks that he’s been sticking his dick in. Here is the photographic evidence that when it comes to cheating on his wife, Eldrick Woods has almost zero standards.

Rachael Uchitel runs the VIP sections of clubs in NY and Vegas. She has been involved with several celebrities, many of them married. She coud best be described as a "star-fucker." Nothing says class like fake tits, fake lips, and a fake tan. Nothing. Also, Uchitel has stated that she and Woods would have sex after taking the sleep-inducing drug Ambien.

Jaimee Grubbs, a cocktail waitress, first came to national attention as the other woman of a meat-head hairdresser (yes, that person actually exists) on a so-bad-it's-good reality show called "Tool Academy" in which tools try to stop being tools. Her guy didn't win (still a tool), and that's after he dumped her so he could be "faithful" to his "real" girlfriend.

Kalika Moquin does marketing for a club in Vegas. It has been reported that she didn't know who Tiger was even after hanging out with him for a whole night. When her friends told her that he was the most famous athlete on the planet, she decided to let him into her vagina on several occasions.

Jamie Jungers is a Las Vegas-based "model" who is a cocktail waitress on the side while she waits for her modeling career to really take off (never gonna happen). She had sex with Tiger for 18 months while she was engaged to a huge golfing fan. No word yet on if he was psyched to learn that he was sharing a vagina with his idol. Also, Jamie has chubby fingers.

Wow. Just wow. I'm not gonna spend my time insulting Mindy Lawton's looks. Instead, I'm just going to say that Tiger Woods stuck his dick in a chick who looks like this and who waitresses at a pancake house. Alegedly he gave her the peen in the back of his car while parked in a church parking lot, then drove her home to her trailer park. I'm not making that up. Apparently that's how it really went down. He then carried on the affair with her for a year. This is officially getting sad for EVERYONE involved.

Cori Rist is a 31 year old divorcee and mother to a 7 year old. She has een described by friends as a "Manhattan clubgoer." This is not an occupation. It means she spends a lot of time drinking and dancing. Definitely sounds like a good mother. Before that she was a "model" who barely worked and never made it in the industry. She has been known to spend her time in hotel rooms paid for by Tiger Woods.

There is a 7th mistress who will be revealed shortly. She is a cocktail waitress (big surprise) in Orlando and has already retained a lawyer to deal with the media onslaught, so you know it’s legit. Porn-star Holly Sampson is going to be revealed soon as the 8th mistress in Tiger’s ho party (I’ll let you google her pictures on your own), with the 9th being rumored to be a television presenter in the UK, and the 10th rumored to be some cougar (though details have yet to emerge). [UPDATE: Tiger was also sleeping with porn star Joslyn James. Make that number 11 and counting] On top of all of this, Tiger wasn’t using a condom with either Jaimee Grubbs or Mindy Lawton. Way to be smart, buddy. That was right up there with your brilliant ability to cover your tracks in all of this. So what is the lesson here? Tiger Woods will stick it in any old cum-dumpster that will have him, and is really half-assed about covering his trail. Good work, Tiger. Now he is offering hush money to all of his mistresses, AND his wife. He has offered to increase his prenup to $80 million if his wife agrees to stay with him for at least seven years. Yeah, paying your wife to stay with you for a predetermined amount of time is really going to rehab your image with the public, TIger. Oh, and who was he cheating on again?

Elin Nordegren is a Swedish bikini model. She met Tiger while she was working as a nanny for the children of fellow PGA golfer Jesper Parnevik. She has been married to Tiger Woods since 2004, after the two had been dating since 2001. She is an all-natural beauty. She is the mother of Tiger's two children: Sam Alexis and Charlie Axel.

The Other Fifteen » Kalika Moquin

Tiger Woods’ Parade of Skanks