Now I’m sitting in my bedroom at my parents house, delirious with hunger from having to fast for a day, and trying to digest the day in football since I can’t digest any food.  My Bears won an interesting game in which our opponent missed two easy field goals for the second week in a row, both games having been capitalized upon by a Jay Cutler-led drive for the winning score.  We also saw the Lions win for their first time in 20 games, which is a miserable stat in any sport, but especially one that only plays 16 games a year.  We also saw Brett Favre gun-sling his way to another victory in the way that only the old gun-slinging gun-slinger can because he has so much fun and likes to sling guns and don’t we all love Brett Favre and isn’t he fun-loving and gun-slinging. The lesson to be learned from him is: take unnecessary risks, d*ck everyone over everywhere, lie and cry your a$$ off, and you will be rewarded as long as you look like you have fun doing it.  There are few faces on earth I want to punch more than Brett Fav-ruh’s.

Mike Vick returned to playing football… poorly.  The Bengals had an exciting last-second victory over the defending (though not very well) champs.  The Colts officially ushered in Arizona’s Super Bowl hangover.  Kyle Orton showed that he can keep winning football games despite not displaying any discernible football skills.  The Rams are really going out of their way to prove that they are the worst team in the NFL.  Really guys, we believe you, you don’t have to convince us.  Fred Taylor proved that you can have 6,900 knee surgeries and still be a productive running back in the NFL.  Mark Sanchez continues to prove he is the greatest Mexican American QB who ever lived, and also continues to grow out a mustache just to frustrate all of the commentators who want to make a “Dirty Sanchez” joke on air, but will lose their job if they do.  One of these days, an announcer’s head is going to explode because of this.  Or they’ll just give in and be fired immediately.  Those are the only two options.  Keep it up Mark.

The Giants proved that my friend Dave and I totally overlooked Tampa as one of the worst teams in the league.  The Ravens continued to torture Cleveland fans who know that all these years of amazing defense and championship contention should be theirs, but instead their new franchise is in shambles while they continue to draft and sign terrible QBs with no end in sight.  Fun times in Cleveland.  Mo-Jo Drew played one man wrecking crew while Drew Brees took a breather and let his teammates carry him for a change.  I’m sure Phillip Rivers talked mad sh*t to the opposing team again after running in for a score, and really deserves a good kick in the nuts, hard.

That’s it for Sunday’s games.  Monday night we have a match-up between two teams who people thought were contenders in the last few years, and are setting their hearts on proving just how dumb any of those Super Bowl picks were for either team.  They also both feature QBs who people used to think were good, but are also out to prove just how wrong any of us were about that.  Good times.  But as the sign says, I won’t be watching or writing about it, because I’m a Jew and tomorrow is our day for being hungry and apologizing for stuff.  For serious.  Look it up if you don’t believe me.