Cardinals/Saints

Here’s all you need to know about this game:

Not the QB shootout I was hoping for.  The Cardinals couldn’t protect Warner, which kept him from getting the ball in the hands of his talented receivers. Meanwhile, Drew Brees and Reggie Bush put on a pretty good show.

Colts/Ravens

I’m pretty sure the Ravens thought they were playing Hot Potato and not football.  They threw 2 picks, fumbled twice… even Ed Reed fumbled.  “But wait,” you say, “Ed Reed is a safety, how did he fumble?”  Well, Ed Reed picked off Peyton Manning, returned it 38 yards, and then got stripped.  Thus is the creative variety of the Ravens’ turnovers on Saturday.  It’s never fun watching a game in which one of the teams keeps shooting themselves in the foot.

Vikings/Cowboys

The Cowboys have sore vaginas.  They claim that the Vikings were running up the score on them.  The Vikings won 34-3 after a late touchdown.  The previous two weeks, the Cowboys beat the Eagles 24-0 and 34-14 (after the Eagles scored a late touchdown to make the score look less pathetic).  Keith Brooking charged the sidelines at the end of the game and shouted at Vikings’ coach Brad Childress. “I thought it was classless,” Brooking said. “I thought it was B.S. Granted, we get paid to stop them, but…“  Well, there you have it.  You blow out a team twice in a row, including in the playoffs, then get blown out and cry about it.  Then you admit that you didn’t do your job in stopping them and that’s why they beat the shit out of you.  Then you say “but” acknowledging that you’re being a hypocrite and a crybaby while simultaneously trying to justify it.  No, Keith Brooking, they aren’t classless.  They were competing with integrity.  They were playing hard til the end.  That’s what you’re taught to do in every game of every sport since you were in elementary school.  I’ll let the Vikings’ Visanthe Shiancoe, who scored the late TD, have the last word.  “Ok, we apologize.  I’m sorry.  Better?”

Jets/Chargers

This was the only good game of the bunch, though I’m sure several thousand idiots out there are complaining about the low score.  It featured a scoreless tie at the end of the 1st quarter, with both defenses dominating early (though the Jets’ uncreative offensive play-calling is probably to blame for their lack of a first down through their first 3 or 4 possessions).  Then the Chargers took control for most of the game, until the Jets fortunes were turned around starting with two interceptions, including this impossible grab by Darrelle Revis:

After that, the Jets scored two TDs in the 4th on a bootleg pass from Mark “Dirty” Sanchez and a breakaway 53 yard run by Shonn Greene.  The only downside to this game was the three missed field goals by Chargers’ kicker Nate Kaeding, which would have given them at least a tie and at most a win.  But despite that, this was a hard-fought close game from start to finish.  That’s about the least these teams could give us after watching the three previous ass beatings.

I was rooting for his team to make history. Now I will actively root against his bad example to sportsmanship.

Everyone knows what went down on Sunday.  The Colts had a legitimate chance to go 15-0 heading into the last week of the season and make a run at an undefeated season, and their coach went and pulled his starters in the 3rd quarter, thus forfeiting the game to the Jets.  Everything about that is just wrong.  Not “wrong” as in a poor coaching decision, but wrong as in morally corrupt.

First, giving a game to the Jets has serious playoff implications.  Since a loss would have knocked them out of the playoff picture, their win drastically changed the playoff picture and will likely allow them to play in the post season as opposed to a superior team like the Broncos or Steelers.  If I were one of those teams, I would sue Jim Caldwell for the loss in revenue over the (at least one) game that they are missing out on.  Throwing a game that shifts the balance of the playoffs is an affront to the spirit of competition, plain and simple.

Secondly, he says that he pulled them to preserve their health; that keeping them fresh for the playoffs is his main concern.  I would like to remind him, and anyone else who doesn’t remember, that the only time the Colts have won the Super Bowl this decade despite their amazing record ever year is the one season when they didn’t rest their players.  In 2006 they had to fight for home field advantage until the end, the result being that their players were focused and on point as opposed to being rusty from being benched for the last few weeks of the season before their playoff bye.  In fact, their are numerous examples of that happening throughout NFL history (the ‘97 and ‘98 Broncos, etc.).  So Jim, going by history what you just did hurt your chances to win in the playoffs.

He also hinted at wanting to keep his players from the distracting questions that go along with maintaining an undefeated season.  Now, THAT, my friends, is the work of a giant wuss.  He’s more worried about coddling his players (who are adults and professionals) than he was excited at the prospect of making history.  He folded from the pressure BEFORE the pressure could even be applied.  He crumpled under the weight of lofty expectations before the burden had even been hoisted onto his team’s shoulders.  Also, it shows that he has little faith in his players’ mental fortitude and ability to block out distractions.  If I were a Colts player, and I’m sure many are thinking this, I would have lost all respect for him right then and there.  I wouldn’t want to play for someone who is governed by his fears, who plays the game scared.

Maybe they’ll win the Super Bowl, and much of the criticism will die down, but not from me.  For me, Jim Caldwell will always be a coward.

Eye Candy

Welcome to another addition of Eye Candy / Eye Rape where I rate the NFL games this week in turms of their watchability.  Let’s get going:

Texans vs. 49ers: The first half was some brutal eye rape, but then the 49ers came back and almost tied it.  Plus, we got to see Alex Smith look like an actualy QB instead of a huge bust.  So, Eye Candy

Packers vs. Browns: The browns are walking eye rape.  Any game involving them will be in that category.  If you’re not watching Derek Anderson make a mockery of his contract, you’re watching Brady Quinn’s bulging arm veins.  They are the “pick your poison” of Eye Rape.

Chargers vs. Chiefs: This was eye sodomy.  One team is good but is full of a$$holes, one team is bad and is overshadowed by one ginormous a$$hole.  Speaking of which, watching LJ meltdown after the game over Twitter was definitely eye candy.  But the game itself?  Eye Rape with a Blunt Object

Colts vs. Rams: Much like the Browns, any game involving the Rams is eye rape, only more so.  This is easily the least-good team in the league and I’m fully predicting an 0-16 season out of them.  They’re worse than the Lions were last year, and they pulled it off.  In fact, each games play is pretty close to actual rape.  All that’s missing is the opposing teams d*cks in the Rams’ a$$es.  Eye Gang Rape

Vikings vs. Steelers: This one was the opposite of eye rape.  It was an eye orgasm with someone you love.

Eye Rape

I could watch Brett Favre get his ass kicked all day.  And lucky for me, that’s exactly what I got to see yesterday thanks to the Steelers’ defense.  Thanks guys.  I’m going to go smoke a cigarette now.  Sweet, Sweet Eye Candy

Patriots vs. Buccaneers: Seriously NFL?  You wanted to show THIS to England to try to get them interested in football?  That’s not even close to a genuine attempt at giving them a competitive game to watch.  All they saw was a track meet by the Pats.  There is no joke here, only criticism for the NFL.  If you’re going to bother putting on games in London, and are genuinely trying to build an audience there, why not bother to put together a good matchup?  This is just a waste of everyone’s time.  International Eye Rape

Jets vs. Raiders: JaMarcus Russel is eye rape personified.  I feel violated after every time I watch him.  Eye Rape so bad that it feels like actual rape.

Bills vs. Panthers: Two terrible teams battling it out to see who’s worse.  This game featured a new QB in Buffalo whose name I’m not even bothering to learn.  In fact, it hasn’t mattered since Flutie.  Lossman, Edwards, New Guy, it doesn’t matter.  They are terrible.  Eye Statutory Rape (in honor of Roman Polanski’s arrest)

Bengals vs. Bears: This was not only vicious eye rape, it was an eye hate-f#ck.  Cedric Benson spent a few years and a few million dollars being a bench player on our team, then got into a ton of legal trouble, then went to Cincy and showed us why he was the #4 overall pick.  Where was this when you wee in Chicago, Cedric?  And why do you feel the need to take revenge on a team that tried to make you successful, only to have you burn them with a series of arrests?  Eye Rape as some sort of sick revenge

Cowboys vs. Falcons: This was a pretty competitive game, but I most liked it for watching the emergence of a new NFL star, Miles Austin, an underdog if there ever was one.  He went undrafted out of Monmouth University and has spent 3 years as a role player.  Watching him destroy opposing defenses is about as pleasurable to watch as anything in sports right now.  Also, Patrick Crayton scored 2 TDs, further marginalizing Roy Williams.  I know it’s petty, but I can’t resist on bringing this back to Matt Millen.  That guy is officially 1 for 4 at drafting first round wide receivers (all top 10 pics).  Eye Candy

Saints vs. Dolphins: Delicious eye candy.  The Dolphins jumped all over the Saints early, which was intriguing given that New Orleans was undefeated.  But then Drew Brees started doing his Frank Reich impression, and the Saints came back from 21 points down to winning by 12.  It was like watching the Rope a Dope.  Extra points for Reggie Bush’s CRAZY leap into the end zone from the six yard line.  This wasn’t just Eye Candy, watching this game was like being at the titty bars in heaven.

Cardinals vs. Giants: Nobody watched this game.  Well, maybe Cardinals fans, and they probably liked it a lot.  Yes these were two good NFC teams matched up, but the Yankees were clinching, so only people in Phoenix cared.  Total Indifference to what was probably a good game.

Eagles vs. Redskins: This game didn’t deserve my viewership.  I vote that the Racist Team Name from DC That I Refuse to Type be banned from nationally televised games until Dan Snyder sells the team or installs his buddy Tom Cruise at QB.  Now, THAT would be an entertaining game to watch.  Eye Rape by an insane millionaire

And that’s it for this edition of Eye Candy / Eye Rape.  The final was: Eye Candy 4 – Eye Rape 8.  See you next week!

Eye candy

Jets/Dolphins

Wildcat wildcat wildcat wildcat wildcat.  I thought this was going to be a trend in football that died out quickly, like the spread offense.  I was wrong, at least when it comes to the team that invented it.  And apparently Chad Henne is a genuine QB prospect, though the Fins also worked in Pat White in the 4th quarter. The Dolphins are now on their 85th and 86th QBs since Dan Marino.  Serious Eye Candy

Browns/Bills

I would like to apologize to JaMarcus Russell for calling him the worst player in the NFL, because Derek Anderson just went 2 for 17 against the Bills.  Good thing you took Brady Quinn out, Mangini. The final score was 2 field goals to one field goal.  This game was ugly.  Lindasy Lohan ugly.  Eye Rape

Steelers/Lions

The Steelers are NOT repeating this year.  In fact, they’re not even good.  They beat the Lions by one score a week after my Bears doubled them in points and hung 48 on them.  I doubt they’re even making the playoffs this year in their tough division.  And the Lions were missing their starting QB.  If Matt Millen were still running them, do

Eye rape

you think he would have drafted Crabtree, Heyward-Bey, Maclin, or Harvin over Stafford?  That’s a rhetoric question.  He definitely would have.  Eye Rape

Cowboys/Chiefs

The Cowboys are terrible.  They’re not a playoff team.  The Chiefs almost beat them.  The Chiefs lost to the Raiders.  And the Cowboys needed a miracle play in OT to beat them.  That said, Matt Cassel looks like he’s for real.  Tony Romo looks horrible.  As an aside, welcome to the NFL, Miles Austin.  We’ll be seeing more of you I’m sure.  Eye Candy

Vikings/Rams

One team is 5-0, the other is 0-5.  So again, I have to ask: are the Rams the worst team in the NFL, or the least good team in the NFL?  Also, will we have a second straight year with a team going 0-16?  Maybe Steve Spagnuolo should have stayed with the Giants.  Eye Rape

Giants/Raiders

I was actually at this game… for the first half.  That’s how non-competitive this game was.  Sadly, even though I left at halftime, Eli Manning left before then, as in: the backups were already playing before the end of the second quarter.   At one point, the Giants had scored touchdowns on each of their first 4 possessions, and the Raiders didn’t have a single first down in any of their first four possessions.  That’s how big the gap is between a contender and what should be considered the NFL’s first minor league team.  Brutal Eye Rape

Buccaneers/Eagles

Another 0-5 team.  I think the Eagles D took the day off.  How else do you explain two TDs by Kellen Winslow, Jr.?  Eye Rape

Outrageously Racist Team Name from DC that I Refuse to Type/Panthers

This game was close, but only because both teams suck my left nut (not the right one, I’m saving that one for marriage).  Yes, it featured a huge comeback by the Panthers, but I would chalk that up more to DC’s incompetence than to anything that Jake Delhomme and company did.  These teams will be fighting for draft slots in a month.  Eye Rape

Bengals/Ravens

This was a great game.  It featured a last second touchdown, an Ed Reed pick-6, and lots of Eightfive (I don’t speak Spanish).  It also featured Ray Lewis taking Eightyfive’s helmet off on a viscious illegal hit, though Eightfive wasn’t hurt on the play and even got in Lewis’ face afterward.  Definite Eye Candy

Falcons/49ers

Mike Singletary needs to drop trou again.  His team played like the embarrassing  49ers of the last few years, not the inspired team we’ve seen so far this year.  Given, Frank Gore was still out with an injury, but still…  Their performance can best be exemplified by Dre Bly, who picked off Matt Ryan and thought he had an easy 80 yard return, so he started showboating as soon as he caught it.  But instead, Roddy White caught up to him, quickly, and knocked the ball away from him before a fellow Falcon recovered it.  Singletary sent Vernon Davis to the showers mid-game last year for half-assing it.  I will be surprised and confused if Dre Bly is allowed to play next week.  Vicious Eye Rape

Jaguars/Seahawks

Jack Del Rio is already fired.  I’m just waiting for the official press release.  The Seahawks are a terrible team.  They have TWO good players on offense.  That’s it.  And they hung 41 points on the Jags.  And Del Rio is supposed to be a defensive coach.  Also, I genuinely don’t understand how you get shut out in an NFL game.  Not even a field goal?  Really?  Seriously, Jags?  Eye Rape with a Sharp Object

Texans/Cardinals

This was another game that featured a furious second half comeback, and it also featured a goal-line stand to end the game.  The Texans came out from halftime and made up for their first half ineptitude by pulling within one touchdown.  They just missed sending the game into overtime, but were stuffed on the one yard line by the Cardinals D.  That’s got to be one of the most exciting ways to win for the home crowd.  Major Eye Candy

Patriots/Broncos

It’s weird how Belichick’s protegees always beat him in their first meeting (aside from Romeo Crennel, who wasn’t really a coach and didn’t run a real team).  I guess this means that Belichick will beat them in the playoffs like he did Mangini?  This one featured another double-digit come back, and went into OT where it was one by a field goal to push the Broncos to 5-0.  Tremendous Eye Candy

Colts/Titans

When Vince Young put out that statement this summer that he would take back the starting QB job and eventually win a Super Bowl, we all laughed.  Well, I’m not laughing anymore and neither should you.  He’ll definitely be a starter before the end of the year.  And with Jeff Fisher’s ability to put together a winner, this season aside, he might have a shot at a title down the line (especially with the draft picks they’re going to get in the next two years).  Also, Peyton Manning is good at quarterbacking.  Eye Rape

And there you have it folks.  It was a pretty even week as far as watchable/unwatchable games were concerned.  And the watchable ones were pretty damn good.  Plus, I was lucky enough to see in person the difference between an NFL team that will contend for a title this year and one that will contend for the first pick in the draft.  They always talk about parity in this league, why does no onw ever point out the MASSIVE difference between the best and worst teams?