Eye Candy

Welcome to another addition of Eye Candy / Eye Rape where I rate the NFL games this week in turms of their watchability.  Let’s get going:

Texans vs. 49ers: The first half was some brutal eye rape, but then the 49ers came back and almost tied it.  Plus, we got to see Alex Smith look like an actualy QB instead of a huge bust.  So, Eye Candy

Packers vs. Browns: The browns are walking eye rape.  Any game involving them will be in that category.  If you’re not watching Derek Anderson make a mockery of his contract, you’re watching Brady Quinn’s bulging arm veins.  They are the “pick your poison” of Eye Rape.

Chargers vs. Chiefs: This was eye sodomy.  One team is good but is full of a$$holes, one team is bad and is overshadowed by one ginormous a$$hole.  Speaking of which, watching LJ meltdown after the game over Twitter was definitely eye candy.  But the game itself?  Eye Rape with a Blunt Object

Colts vs. Rams: Much like the Browns, any game involving the Rams is eye rape, only more so.  This is easily the least-good team in the league and I’m fully predicting an 0-16 season out of them.  They’re worse than the Lions were last year, and they pulled it off.  In fact, each games play is pretty close to actual rape.  All that’s missing is the opposing teams d*cks in the Rams’ a$$es.  Eye Gang Rape

Vikings vs. Steelers: This one was the opposite of eye rape.  It was an eye orgasm with someone you love.

Eye Rape

I could watch Brett Favre get his ass kicked all day.  And lucky for me, that’s exactly what I got to see yesterday thanks to the Steelers’ defense.  Thanks guys.  I’m going to go smoke a cigarette now.  Sweet, Sweet Eye Candy

Patriots vs. Buccaneers: Seriously NFL?  You wanted to show THIS to England to try to get them interested in football?  That’s not even close to a genuine attempt at giving them a competitive game to watch.  All they saw was a track meet by the Pats.  There is no joke here, only criticism for the NFL.  If you’re going to bother putting on games in London, and are genuinely trying to build an audience there, why not bother to put together a good matchup?  This is just a waste of everyone’s time.  International Eye Rape

Jets vs. Raiders: JaMarcus Russel is eye rape personified.  I feel violated after every time I watch him.  Eye Rape so bad that it feels like actual rape.

Bills vs. Panthers: Two terrible teams battling it out to see who’s worse.  This game featured a new QB in Buffalo whose name I’m not even bothering to learn.  In fact, it hasn’t mattered since Flutie.  Lossman, Edwards, New Guy, it doesn’t matter.  They are terrible.  Eye Statutory Rape (in honor of Roman Polanski’s arrest)

Bengals vs. Bears: This was not only vicious eye rape, it was an eye hate-f#ck.  Cedric Benson spent a few years and a few million dollars being a bench player on our team, then got into a ton of legal trouble, then went to Cincy and showed us why he was the #4 overall pick.  Where was this when you wee in Chicago, Cedric?  And why do you feel the need to take revenge on a team that tried to make you successful, only to have you burn them with a series of arrests?  Eye Rape as some sort of sick revenge

Cowboys vs. Falcons: This was a pretty competitive game, but I most liked it for watching the emergence of a new NFL star, Miles Austin, an underdog if there ever was one.  He went undrafted out of Monmouth University and has spent 3 years as a role player.  Watching him destroy opposing defenses is about as pleasurable to watch as anything in sports right now.  Also, Patrick Crayton scored 2 TDs, further marginalizing Roy Williams.  I know it’s petty, but I can’t resist on bringing this back to Matt Millen.  That guy is officially 1 for 4 at drafting first round wide receivers (all top 10 pics).  Eye Candy

Saints vs. Dolphins: Delicious eye candy.  The Dolphins jumped all over the Saints early, which was intriguing given that New Orleans was undefeated.  But then Drew Brees started doing his Frank Reich impression, and the Saints came back from 21 points down to winning by 12.  It was like watching the Rope a Dope.  Extra points for Reggie Bush’s CRAZY leap into the end zone from the six yard line.  This wasn’t just Eye Candy, watching this game was like being at the titty bars in heaven.

Cardinals vs. Giants: Nobody watched this game.  Well, maybe Cardinals fans, and they probably liked it a lot.  Yes these were two good NFC teams matched up, but the Yankees were clinching, so only people in Phoenix cared.  Total Indifference to what was probably a good game.

Eagles vs. Redskins: This game didn’t deserve my viewership.  I vote that the Racist Team Name from DC That I Refuse to Type be banned from nationally televised games until Dan Snyder sells the team or installs his buddy Tom Cruise at QB.  Now, THAT would be an entertaining game to watch.  Eye Rape by an insane millionaire

And that’s it for this edition of Eye Candy / Eye Rape.  The final was: Eye Candy 4 – Eye Rape 8.  See you next week!

He must be made of jelly, 'cause jam don't jiggle like THAT.

Hear me out for a second.  Upon hearing numerous stories like this one I can’t help but think of my first impression of watching JaMarcus Russell in a game.  It was week one on Monday Night Football.  Russell had been taken out after twisting his knee and sat out a couple plays.  When he was brought back in, the camera showed him waddling to the huddle.  And his ass started jiggling like he was doing the Truffle Shuffle.  I couldn’t turn away.  It was both hideous and transfixing.  The waves of flesh just rippled and wobbled like a water bed.  How could somebody so flabby possibly be considered an athlete?  How can someone in their young 20s possibly let themselves go that quickly?  I’m not even talking about lifestyle choices.  I’m honestly wondering how someone goes from a fit college athlete to a tub of goo in three years.

I think I’m safe in assuming this situation is unresolvable.  Given that, can the Raiders sue him to get their money back?  They gave him a lot of money to do a job that he obviously has ZERO intention of even trying to perform.  I remember the Dolphins sued Ricky Williams after he retired to travel the world and smoke weed.  He had to return some money, and ultimately return to football to honor his contract.  Couldn’t the Raiders sue to get their money back and consider the contract void on account of his unwillingness to honor his side of the deal?  I think they need to look into this.  ‘Cause goddamn, is that guy a fat-ass.

Winners? You'd better believe it.

Yesterday, both the Raiders and the 49ers won, which really hasn’t happened on the same day all too often in the last few years.  But there’s something different about these two teams that makes me think they will get back some of their mystique and be back to their winning ways in the very near future.  When I started thinking about this, the only explanation I could come up with is the coaching changes both teams made in the middle of last year.  But not just the coaching changes, the theater that came with them.

First came Mike Singletary for the Niners.  He came into his first game as a coach, immediately benched his starting QB, pulled down his pants in the locker room at half time to illustrate how his team was being embarrassed, sent his starting tight end to the showers before the game was over, then went on this awesome and epic coaching rant.

Yeah!  You tell ‘em, Mike!  If you’re not inspired by that speech, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you.  I LOVE this guy.  He was the leader of the 85 Bears, and the prototype for the middle linebacker position as it’s currently played and drawn up (he’s the reason they call the position the “Mike” backer).  He was the Peyton Manning of defense, more cerebral than physical, coming to the line and calling out assignments for his defensive teammates as he read the offensive formations and made adjustments to the coverage based on what he saw.  There is literally no way he can not be a successful coach.  I’ve been telling my SF friends since last year that they have no idea how lucky they are to have him.  He handled the Michael Crabtree drama with the same attitude he showed in the video above, and properly prepared the players he has for winning.  And they’re doing just that, getting off to a 2-0 start.  If they can ride Frank Gore and Patrick Willis past the rest of their weak division, the 49ers could be looking at the playoffs THIS season, let alone in the future.

Then there’s the Raiders.  If you had told me just three weeks ago that they would look like a legitimate and respectable team, I wouldn’t have even laugh, because humor is rooted in truth and there’s no way that statement would have even resembled reality.  But here we are after week 2, and the Raiders are 1-1, with a close win in their division and a very close loss in their division.  They play physical D, with sacks from new Raider Richard Seymore, hard hits from Thomas Howard, and great coverage from Nnamdi Asomugha.  They have a young and inexperienced offense, but one with a lot of talent once they harness it, especially in Darren McFadden and JaMarcus Russel.  How did they get here?

Well, first we have the surreal firing of Lane Kiffin by Al Davis.  This has to be one of the strangest moments in sports for so many reasons.  But then you have Tom Cable taking over despite having a very short and unspectacular resume.  The rest of last year after the coaching change didn’t go well.  Then, right before the season, he punched an assistant coach and broke his jaw. That can only happen with the Raiders.  So all the evidence was pointing toward another chaotic year, and then they come out of the gate looking respectable, and have an outside shot at unseating the Chargers for the AFC West (goddamn the Western divisions suck right now).

So what did we learn from these examples?  If you want to turn around a once-proud-but-fallen franchise, just hire a coach that will act so crazy and be so intimidating that everyone will immediately fall in line.  If you were a player in the bay area, would you do something to piss your coach off right now?  I didn’t think so.

[note: since this conversation took place, Nnamdi Asomugha has suffered a chipped bone in his wrist, and was innitially expected to miss the first two weeks, but has since had his prognosis upgraded and will start in week 1]

And that’s that.  Thanks to Dave for sharing his insight on his circus of a team and mad hatter of an owner.  Also, special thanks go out to the Raiders, Al Davis, and coach Cable themselves for acting like lunatics and providing us with so much unintentional laughs over the last few years.