Favre, after another interception, is seen here contemplating just how much he wants to jerk around his team and the media before the start of next season.

Vikings quarterback Brett Favre called a press conference today to announce his (third) retirement from football.  Favre cried a lot and said that finishing his career on a game in which his 2 interceptions and 1 fumble ended his team’s chance at a title was a fitting way to call it quits.  Immediately after his press conference, Favre called another press conference to cry and un-retire (again), followed by an exclusive interview with Fox News saying, while crying, that the Vikings were at fault for the way things had ended and then threatened to leave the team for the rival Packers if things didn’t immediately get resolved on his terms.  Favre then called another press conference in which he did nothing but sob uncontrollably while making no attempt at saying anything at all.

29-33, 379 yards, 5 TDs, 0 INT

He had more TDs than incompletions.    One of his incompletions was due to Charles Woodson, possibly the defensive MVP, just barely tipping the ball off course.  His 5 TDs, which tied an NFL playoff record, went to 3 different receivers.  He was so on that, on a play in which he was trying to throw the ball out of the back of the end zone, he got hit while throwing and the resulting weaker pass was under-thrown enough that it was caught by a diving Larry Fitzgerald for a score.  On one play, Warner threaded the needle on a pass to Steve Breaston in which his receiver had about one foot of distance on the defender, and the cornerback still almost knocked the ball away, and yet it landed perfectly in Breston’s hands.  That play, and his entire game, just illustrated why, when Kurt Warner is feeling it, he’s as good as any QB in the history of the game.  I hope next week’s games are half as entertaining as this shootout.

"What's that? DON'T throw the ball to the other team? Oh. My bad.

In last night’s game, Bears QB Jay Cutler led us on a 4th quarter drive down the field to score and take the lead with three minutes left in the game.  I thought I had just seen him engineer his first 4th quarter comeback as a Bear.  Then Nathan Vasher decided to fall asleep on D and let Gregg Jennings get by him for an easy TD.  With the Pack up 19-15 and just over a minute left with the ball around the 40 yard line, I thought to myself, “This is why we traded for Cutler.  He has a history of late game heroics.  He has an arm that can take a shot at the end zone from here.  We’ve never had that before.  With him, we’re in scoring range RIGHT NOW.”  So what happened?  His first pass of the drive was picked off.  Game over.

Chris Collinsworth up in the booth immediately blamed the receiver, who was definitely back peddling instead of coming to the ball.  And he should know, having been a receiver himself.  But when that interception is your 4th of the game, nobody’s going to remember the receiver.  They’re just going to remember how you kept gift-wrapping the ball and handing it to the other team.  Nice debut, asshole.

Oh, and Brian Urlacher needs surgery…  FUCK!!!!!!

• The Detroit Lions will be bad.  See?  I’m already 1 for 1, and the season hasn’t even started yet.
• Some team will come out of obscurity to prominence.  Since this is a total crap shoot, I’m going to go with the Texans.  It would be too easy to choose a team like Seattle or Jacksonville, since they were both awesome two years ago and just took a year off last year.  In fact, anyone who chooses them as “sleepers” is a pussy.  There.  I said it.
• Many idiots will pick the Eagles to win the NFC East or even the NFC Championship even though they’ve only won their division once in the last 4 years and have the exact same fucking team every year, with the addition of a couple young receivers and a psychotic backup QB.  Side prediction: Brian Westbrook will get injured this year and Donovan McNabb’s abilities to take his team all the way will be questioned by fans and the media.  Side note: that prediction I just made, which comes with a guarantee, is part of the reason that Philly will never win with this team.  Also, they can’t run up the gut.  Also, Andy Reed is the Walrus, koo koo kajoo.
• Eli Manning will continue to baffle everyone on the planet.  His face reads like he has no idea what’s going on.  He talks like an awkward pre-teen.  He throws for a low completion percentage.  Yet he wins and is considered a leader.  And those people aren’t wrong.  Sometimes I don’t get football.
• Kurt Warner will thank Jesus for something, and maybe even everything.  Just once, though, I want an athlete to blame God for their loss.  If he’s the reason why people win, then by deductive reasoning isn’t he punishing the losers?  And if so, can we start having sideline confessionals as to why the losing players feel that they are being punished?  Now THAT would be must see TV.
• Brett Favre will be forced to retire after this season with an inoperable case of old people smell.
• The Redskins will be ok at best despite spending tons of money in the off-season AGAIN.  Seriously, Daniel Snider doesn’t learn a thing.  Still trying to shove that one-more-expensive-free-agent peg through the championship hole.
• Green Bay fans will be disappointed when they wake up and realize that they are still fat.
• Philadelphia fans will disgrace their city by doing something atrocious.  Scratch that, Philadelphia fans will accurately portray their city by doing something atrocious.
• The Raiders will continue to provide more entertainment off the field than on it.  Unless you enjoy schadenfreude, in which case you will love watching the Raiders.
• Everyone on the planet will spend the first quarter of the season talking about the Wild Cat offense revolutionizing the game.  Then defenses will figure it out and it will be relegated to an occasional trick play.  That’s EXACTLY what happened last year with the spread offense.  The Pats used it to go undefeated in the regular season and everyone tried to copy them… Until the Wild Cat came out.  Then that was the new “revolutionary formation.”  It just proves that 90% of the population easily gets caught up in hype, and also has an extremely short memory.
• Both Ohio teams will suck balls.  And they deserve it, too.  Don’t give me that look, Ohio.  You know what you did.
• Vince Young will continue his mental breakdown.  It’s too early to say if this will be tragic, comic, or tragicomic.
• Several players will get arrested and suspended for a variety of offenses (I REALLY went out on a limb there).
• Travis Henry will get someone pregnant.
• Chad Ochocinco will do something hilarious that will offend Joe Buck’s delicate sensibilities
• Phillip Rivers will continue to be an indefensible prick and that will somehow further endear him to his teammates.  You stay classy, San Diego.
• Drew Brees will finally get that birth mark removed from his face and will win the MVP, proving that voters were misinterpreting the phrase “the face of the franchise.”
• Mark Sanchez will indeed follow in the footsteps of “Broadway” Joe Namath, and by that I mean that he will appear on TV wearing pantyhose and fur coats.

Ok, now onto the serious predictions:

Division Winners: Giants, Vikings, Falcons, Cardinals, Patriots, Steelers, Colts, Chargers

Wild Cards: Bears, Panthers, Ravens, Texans

NFC Championship: Giants over Falcons.

AFC Championship: Steelers over Raven

Superbowl: Steelers over Giants

For those of you thinking to yourselves that picking the Steelers is the safe pick because they’re the defending champs, you’re an idiot.  It’s pretty rare to repeat in this league.  It’s only been done seven times in the history of the Superbowl.  Compare that to the three-peats that happen in baseball and basketball, but never in football, and you’ll realize that this isn’t a safe pick.  You know what?  I don’t have to defend my predictions to you.  If you don’t like them, you can go make you’re own damned predictions.  I’m done here.

"Boo hoo. I'm so sad to be leaving the Packers... So I can play for their rivals, even if I have to wait a full season in between."

Brett Favre has changed his mind for the 15th time, and has accepted a contract with the Vikings. “But wait,” you say, “I thought he had decided once and for all to stay retired and live in bumblefuck Mississippi.”  Well, dear reader, you clearly underestimated Brett Favre’s drive to compete, his need to feed his massive ego no matter what the cost, and his desire to kill his team with interceptions in key situations.

Now, most people say that I hate Brett Favre unfairly.  That’s true in the respect that, as a Bears fan, I truely hate the Packers.  And that guy usued to torture us in the 90s.  I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure we didn’t beat them for 3 straight years at one point.  I was also at the Monday Night Football game where we had him pinned on the one yard line, only to have him throw a quick slant to Robert Brooks that Brooks took to the house for the longest pass in NFL history.  The only thing redeeming about that game was the greatest catch in Bears history (note: it wasn’t made by a player).

But the real reason I hate Brett Favre is because everyone blows so much smoke up his ass.  Every Monday Night Football was dominated by John Madden basically sucking Favre’s dick on air.  “Oh, Brett Favre.  Look at how strong his arm is.  That throw can’t be made by other players, but Brett Favre can do it.  Look at how much fun he has.  Nobody has more fun than Brett Favre.  Nobody’s tougher than Brett Favre.  I heard that rainbows shoot out of his dick, and that he shits unicorns.  Oh, Brett…”

"Oh no! My team lost beacuse I threw a pick. Oh well, back to "gunslinging."

It’s infuriating.  In his last 4-5 years, he’s had one good season, which ended with him throwing a pick to end their playoff run.  And that would have been a fitting way for him to end his career, simply because it’s his most defining characteristic.  Brett Favre led the league in INTs last year with the Jets.  If you’re thinking, “Well he’s older and he broke down towards the end,” then you don’t know Brett Favre.  He’s the career leader in interceptions for a reason.  He’s led the league in picks 3 times, finished second 3 times, and was in the top ten every year of his career.  And the reason I say his pick to the Giants would have been a fitting end to his career, is that he is also the career leader in playoff picks, including a record 6 in one game.  Several of those picks, just like in ‘07, ended the Packers’ playoff run.  You guys can have your “gunslinger” flinging the ball around with reckless abandon, I’ll take a guy who takes care of the ball over that any day.  I don’t want a leader who goes all-in on every throw and gets burned just as much as he comes through.  It’s a huge rush to watch, but it’s still a guy taking stupid risks needlessly.

Tearfull Press Conference Number 1: I love pain killers! They make me feel great! Can't play without 'em! But, you know, you guys should pitty me and then completely forget about this in a few years."

Favre won 3 MVPs in a row and broke the record for consecutive games played, both impressive feats, until you remember that he did so while taking PEDs.  During his MVP years Favre was addicted to painkillers.  He admitted as much in a tearful press conference, something that would become common in later years with Favre.  Would he have been able to play through all of those injuries and through all that pain without those painkillers?  Of course not.  That’s just as much of a PED as anything else.  He never would have broken the consecutive games streak without them.  They were propping him up throughout it all.  I’m not saying that he would have been terrible without them, I’m just saying that he wouldn’t have that record, and his star would be significantly diminished without it.

I wouldn’t hate Favre nearly as much as I do if everyone else would just acknowledge these things.  But instead they completely ignore them and only focus on the “fun” that he has on the field and his records (but not the one for interceptions, and not the asterisk that should be on his consecutive games streak).  In the end, I would put Favre in the top 10 QBs of the modern era, but no higher.  Just off the top of my head, here’s the list:

1. Joe Montana
2. John Elway
3. Dan Marino
4. Tom Brady
5. Peyton Manning
6. Steve Young
7. Johnny Unitas
8. Brett Favre
9. Dan Fouts
10. Fran Tarkenton