Brady: “I feel like my old Super-Bowl-winning, famous-chick-impregnating self.”

Jeremy Hawn — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 17:25:45 +0000

Tom Brady came back to football after missed all but ten minutes of last season. Though he looked shaky on it at first, missing low on several throws in the first half to both Randy Moss and Wes Welker. But by the end he was leading last minute game-winning touchdown drives and plunging cold daggers into the hearts of would-be victors. After the game, Brady went home to his wife, Gisele Bundchen, and celebrated his victorious comeback by spraying Chrystal on her pregnant belly before going to bed in their sheets made of freshly printed $100 bills.

If nothing else, last night just reminded me why I hate Tom Brady: pure, searing, unadulterated, green-eyed jealousy. This guy is basically a walk-on in NFL terms, gets a one in a million chance to start, ends up winning a Super Bowl in his first year starting, then goes 3 for 4 in Super Bowls (with the one loss coming off of the only 17-0 regular season, which is not a bad consolation prize if you ask me) over the next six years, comes back after a devastating knee injury like it was nothing, and as if that underdog to top dog story wasn’t enough to make you puke in your own mouth, he plays the field better than any guy out there save for Jeter, Pitt, Leo, and MAYBE Clooney, but I would give the edge to Tom over Clooney. So now I give you Tom Brady, a rage-inducing montage:

"Oh my God! I can't believe I went from a bench player to Super Bowl MVP in the same year!"

"Wow. TWO Super Bowls... This is getting crazy!"

"Thanks everyone, I totally deserve this. This is my trophy. Other people just borrow it occasionally."

"This is my other trophy."

"Why yes, Martha, I DO have a bun in the oven. Ha ha. Good one! And yes, my boyfriend, Tom Brady DID dump me after he heard the news."

Would it be too mean to just name the kid "Bastard?" Bastard Brady sounds like a pretty badass name to me. Also, notice the trouble brewing at the bottom.

That's it, Tom. Just curl up into a bawl and take your beating like a bitch. 17-0 feels pretty empty when you lose the Super Bowl, huh?

... Maybe it's karma for leaving your baby momma when she looks THIS good. Since this pic is taken in the nursery, is it safe to say that she always dresses like this, even when changing diapers? I'm just going to say yes.

Then again... She looks pretty good too [I'm pulling the "tuck it into the waistband" move as I type this

Well, now that you have the 2008 season off...

... plenty of free time to knock up your new chick. Seriously? That's what she looks like when pregnant? I hope I look that good when I'm pregnant. Wait... what did I just say?

And... back on top. Fahk you, Tommy. Leave something for the rest of us, you greedy fahk.

The Other Fifteen » Gisele Bundchen

Brady: “I feel like my old Super-Bowl-winning, famous-chick-impregnating self.”