There is a reason for this photo, I promise you (snicker)...

The Dontrelle Willis Fiasco has been written about time and again, so I won’t delve too deeply into it here, other than to point out:

Dontrelle’s nickname (the D-Train, natch) puts him in the rare category of sports stars who can use the music of Ozzy Osbourne and be totally, 100-percent in the clear for doing so.

And at no other time has a song been more appropriate for a sports situation. Few people actually know that “Crazy Train” is actually about Dontrelle and the Detroit sports scene. Let’s do a little analysis here, shall we?

(I mean, that wasn’t a question, more of a pleading command. Indulge me, please, this just came to me about 15 minutes ago.)

You’ll need a little visual aid, so click here.

OK. Got it? Let’s begin:

Crazy, but that’s how it goes/ Millions of people living as foes/ Maybe its not to late/ To learn how to love/ And forget how to hate

OK, well, maybe this isn’t an exact one-to-one parallel to the story of D-Train, but work with me here. In this first verse, Ozzy implores Tigers fans (millions of them) to be more understanding: sure, Dontrelle is crazy. Everyone is against him. But you know what? We have to learn to accept the faults of others. Only then can we help them to do better for themselves.

Mental wounds not healing/ Life’s a bitter shame/ I’m going off the rails on a crazy train

“Hmm, well,” Ozzy realizes. “Something’s not working. This bloke can’t throw strikes. But he’s already been on the disabled list once for this before. Now what?”

I’ve listened to preachers/ I’ve listened to fools/ I’ve watched all the dropouts/ Who make their own rules/ One person conditioned to rule and control/ The media sells it and you have the role

Work with me here:
preachers=Jim Leyland, Dave Dombrowski, Mike Illich
fools=Allen Trammel, Phil Garner, umm…Matt Millen
dropouts=wait, I think Matt Millen goes here, my bad
one person conditioned to rule=Barack Obama (General Motors baby, proud sponsors of your Detroit Tigers!)
media=Baseball Tonight staff

Mental wounds still screaming/ Driving me insane/ I’m going off the rails on a crazy train

Dontrelle can’t throw strikes once again and is back on the list.

I know that things are going wrong for me/ You gotta listen to my words

Dontrelle’s internal monologue, I guess.

GUITAR SOLO!!!!!

Ron Asherton comes back from the dead to cover Randy Rhodes’ original guitar solo.

Heirs of a cold war/ That’s what we’ve become/ Inheriting troubles/ I’m mentally numb/ Crazy, I just cannot bear/ I’m living with something that just isn’t fair

Eduardo Figaro’s turn for an internal monologue. He kinda looks like the D-Train. He wears his socks the same way. And, for a minute there on Saturday, I thought he was becoming the F-Train. And “F” would not have stood for “Figaro.” He, fortunately, knows how to get himself out of jams, so he’s the guy for now.

Mental wounds not healing/ Who and what’s to blame/ I’m going off the rails on a crazy train

We return to Dontrelle for the final word: he’s still not okay. Who knows if “anxiety disorder” is real of if he’s just a shitty pitcher?

We may never figure it out.

All parties exit stage left as Ozzy begins to play “Bark at the Moon“. Randy Wolf comes onstage, and the concert continues…

Post script: This is probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever written.

Tip: Pick up Dontrelle Willis NOW.  Have you not learned anything from watching Zack Greinke?  It’s the same goddamn story!  Talented pitcher gets derailed by depression/anxiety and it throws off his game.  He takes control of his personal life and his straightens out his issues and proceeds to dominate.  The only difference between the two is that we know just how good Dontrelle can be.  This is a former 22-game-winning ace.  At his best, he is as good as any pitcher in baseball.  I thin kit would make for a great story if both he and Chris Carpenter could return to form of their Cy Young duel in 2005.  “What you talkin’ ’bout” Willis has two appearances thus far, and the results were a decent four run allowance in 5 innings and a 6 inning shutout.  His ERA is just over 3 1/2 runs, and he’s supposed to be rusty.  GRAB HIM NOW WHILE YOU CAN.

Gripes: CBS Sports is easily the best website for fantasy.  They just have so many more features than either Yahoo or ESPN (the only other two I’ve used).  But here’s one thing that bothers me: lineups have to be set an hour before the first game of the day.  In Yahoo, you can wait to sub out a player up until the time that his game has started, allowing for you to see if he is on the lineup card for that day before deciding weather to play him or not.  With CBS’s current rules, you just have to guess on weather or not a player like Ian Stewart will get at bats that day, or will waste a spot in your lineup that could go to someone else who will actually be playing.  Other than that, though, CBS seriously is running a train on the other fantasy sites.

Grumbles: Why the fuck did I drop Joel Piniero just hours before he pitched a complete game shutout?!?!?  Damn it!!!  Seriously though, he had two bad outings in a row, and I needed to free up a spot on my roster for Chris Carpenter later in the week.  I could have waited until after his turn in the rotation to drop him, but I fiugured my Cubbies would rough him up pretty good.  Maybe I should have paid more attention to his home/road splits (he’s been great at Busch Stadium).  Goddamn I’m an idiot.

Bragging: I have Evan Longoria in both of my keeper leagues (including one league from last year in which I have him FOR A DOLLAR on my cap).  That team will be good forever with that kind of production for literally next to nothing out of my budget.  Also, in my other keeper league, I got him for $36 dollars in this years draft, while my brother paid $55 for David Wright.  I’m not saying that David Wright isn’t worth that much, but… well, yes I am.  Wright isn’t worth the same as Pujols.  Plus, Longoria is better, straight up.  And he will be better possible forever.  We’ve seen Wright at close to his apex, but there is no ceiling or precedent for Longoria.  He is one of the top 3 players in baseball in only his second year, and at age 24.  AND I HAVE HIM FOREVER!

Arguments: I don’t think Dan Uggla is going to turn his season around.  I think he’s done.  His numbers right now are about .190 with 4 homers.  His numbers after the All-Star break last year (in which he had 3 Ks and 3 errors; the worst All-Star game by anyone ever) was about .190 with 4 homers.  I’m not saying that he will absolutely never get any better than this, I’m just saying he’ll definitely never be as good again as he was over the last 2-3 years.  That’s why I traded him for Marco Scutero (not in a keeper league though, because Scutero is having a career year at age 33).

Tales of the Bizarre: John Lackey’s debut.  I had Lackey on my DL all year until last week.  This was an exceptional burden when I had Kuroda, Carpenter, Zambrano, and Morrow also land on the DL, while only having 2 DL spots allowed in my league.  Needless to say that my pitching was devastated, and the only light at the end of the tunnel lie with getting John Lackey into my rotation to justify the money I spent on him to take up space on my injury list.  So when his first start came around, I was excited.  I started talking shit to my friend ho I was playing against that week, and generally hyping up the even.  Then when the game started, John Lackey decided that his first pitch should be a “message” to Ian Kinsler, who had killed the Angels the night before.  Lackey threw the pitch behind him.  Message definitely received.  Then, Lackey got stupid.  His next pitch drilled Kinsler and he got tossed.  Nice work dumb ass.  A month and a half wait to start the season and you get tossed after two pitches.  Thanks for making it worth the wait.  Oh well, at least he gets two starts this week.