Best case scenario: he has an awesome sense of humor and decided to risk his QB’s life for a hilarious prank.  Worst case scenario: he just had the biggest and most visible space-out moment in the history of sports.  Other possibilities: temporary paralysis, narcolepsy, experiencing flash backs of alien abduction, or (and I think this is an actual possibility) this is the actual play that Bobby Bowden called where either 1) keeping the right tackle frozen is designed to confuse the defense, or 2) Bowden forgot to draw any arrows on this play for the right tackle, so he just did what the diagram in the playbook told him to do.  Either way, I have watched htis clip about a dozen times, and I don’t think I’m done yet.

Can Boise get back in to the BCS despite their schedule? Our debate continues.

I missed last week’s picks because I was busy with my real job. Glad I did, because I most certainly would have picked Iowa to beat Northwestern. Just goes to show what a fool I am. They can’t play offense, it turns out. Only defense.

They’re in luck, because Ohio State can’t seem to play offense these days either. This might be the most boring big-name Big 10 game in a long while. I’ll get to it later.

Meanwhile, I want to talk about something I mentioned earlier this week. Boise State recently said they were having a lot of trouble scheduling any games for 2011. There was a list of BCS schools 10-deep, they said, that wouldn’t schedule them.

Our other college football expert Steve Knox gave me something of a rebuttal today. He makes a great point in saying that the big-conference teams have no reason to schedule teams like Boise State or TCU, because it does them no good, win or lose. I agree with this.

But he also says, and I quote: “[...] why should Florida have to schedule another difficult game when they’ve already got games against Tennessee, Alabama, LSU, Georgia and an annual non-conference game against Florida State? Just because they’re the #1 team in the country doesn’t mean they should have to kill themselves week-in and week-out.”

Well, my response would be, if a team calls themselves the best team in the country they SHOULD kill themselves week-in and week-out. Why the hell shouldn’t we expect a top-tier football team to give 100% effort every week? If the Gators really are that good, they would be expected to be able to play teams like Boise State and TCU in addition to their regularly-scheduled conference games.

And if they can’t? Well, maybe they don’t deserve to be called the “best”.

Now, onto the picks.

Big East
As I write this, the Bearcats have just pulled ahead of the Mountaineers. And until they stop scheduling them, I will keep complaining about Friday night college football. Is nothing sacred anymore?

Notre Dame (6-3) at Pittsburgh (8-1)
The Irish are one of few teams in the country that can teeter on decent and yet still be in BCS consideration. However, I think last week’s loss to Navy put an end to that once and for all. I still love Golden Tate, but ND’s pass defense is horrible. Pitt, meanwhile, has quietly racked up an 8-1 season and No. 12 BCS ranking. I haven’t watched Pitt much but this should be a fairly good game I think. Panthers should win.

Syracuse (3-6) at Louisville (3-6)
The perfect storm of Big East suck. I’ll go with the Cards at home.

Big 12
No. 3 Texas (9-0, 5-0) at Baylor (4-5, 1-4)
I still think Texas will get upset. But Baylor is not the team that will do it. I think they used up all their upset power for 2009 by beating Mizzou for the first time ever.

Missouri (5-4, 1-4) at Kansas State (6-4, 4-2(
Speaking of which, Mizzou really sucks this year, huh? I mean, they were never that good the past two years anyway (as evidenced by their painful Big 12 championship showings). But now they really suck. K-State, on the other hand, can lock up another Big 12 North championship for Bill Snyder. I think he has proved this year that he is a football genius. They were nothing before him, nothing after him and before him again. I think the Purplecats need to keep him a zombie forever. Of course, they win this week.

Colorado (3-6, 2-3) at Iowa State (5-5, 2-4)
Cyclone fans, if they haven’t already jumped off a bridge following their hometown basketball star’s recent decision to go to UNC, must be pretty pleased with their football season so far. A win gets them bowl eligible. They should hold on at home.

Nebraska (6-3, 3-2) at Kansas (5-4, 1-4)
Nebraska is (slowly) regaining their rightful place in the pantheon of the football elite. Kansas is also slowly regressing to their rightful place of waiting for basketball season. The world is as it should be.

Texas A&M (5-4, 2-3) at Oklahoma (5-4, 3-2)
OU hadn’t lost to the Huskers in a while. Or maybe it hasn’t been that long, but it sure seems like a lifetime ago. Either way, they’ll come out this week and dominate after that one.

Texas Tech (6-3, 3-2) at No. 19 Oklahoma State (7-2, 4-1)
At the beginning of this season, this would have been the game of the year in the Big 12. It’s lost a lot of that luster but it should be great fun to watch. I’ll go with the Pokes at home.

Big Ten
Well, at least the Hawkeyes saved us the agony of Big 10 teams trying to argue their conference into relevance (Full disclosure: That guy would have been me). Now we get to see who “deserves” to play in the Rose Bowl.

Michigan (5-5, 1-5) at No. 20 Wisconsin (7-2, 4-2)
Michigan will finish 1-7 in the Big Ten this year despite managing to win 4 other games. Somehow, this is even worse than last year.

Indiana (4-6, 1-5) at No. 18 Penn State (8-2, 4-2)
Indiana might even finish ahead of Michigan this year.

South Dakota State at Minnesota (5-5)
Wake me up when the Gophers win by 80.

Northwestern (6-4, 3-3) at Illinois (3-6, 2-5)
Somehow, this is Illinois’ last conference game. I’m sure they are very pleased to hear that in Champaign. Purplecats win.

Michigan State (5-5, 3-3) at Purdue (4-6, 3-3)
So, is Sparty ever going to be on television again? The answer is most likley no, and that’s good, because I don’t think I can watch them anymore. I’m sure more eyes will be turned on this matchup in January when it matters on the basketball court. Until then? I’ll go MSU. They reaaaaaly want to be bowl eligible. Motor City Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl, here we come!

No. 10 Iowa (8-1, 5-1) at No. 11 Ohio State (8-2, 5-1)
Our national nightmare is now over. Let us now determine who will become Duck bait (Iowa by a ridiculous score of 9-7).

This is interesting. They say that there’s a list of BCS conference schools 10-deep that have flat-out refused to play Boise State. The Broncos have even offered to travel anywhere and don’t want to play a home-and-home. Essentially Boise State is offering the same kind of deal that Division-I FCS schools get.

Yet no one will take the bait.

Obviously, the Broncos will almost certainly miss out on a BCS bowl provided they and TCU both go undefeated because Oregon is the only team worth a damn that BSU has played. That makes sense.

But they’re obviously a good team. They have beaten teams by a combined 373-144. That’s not something that mediocre teams can say.

It’s no wonder that nobody wants to play them: The fact of the matter is that 99% of NCAA Division I college football teams are pu$$ys. Look it up.

Florida? Pu$$ys. They haven’t left the state of Florida for a nonconference regular season game since 1991. (They lost to Syracuse that year). Aside from token rival games against FSU and Miami, they pepper their schedule with teams like Charleston Southern and Troy. Next year they are playing a slightly more-respectable schedule against Miami (of Ohio) and Central Florida. Still, pu$$ys.

Texas? Pu$$ys. Although, you got to hand it to them for actually agreeing to travel to Wyoming this year.

Penn State? Major pu$$ys. This year’s entire nonconference schedule? Eastern Illinois. Akron. Syracuse. Temple.

Michigan? Unspeakable pu$$ys. Western Michigan, Eastern Michigan, DELEWARE STATE.

I think you get my point here.

For as much talk we get about Florida and Texas being so damn good compared to guys like TCU and Boise State, it turns out the quality of their competition is not THAT much better. I mean, honestly. Beating Charleston Southern and Troy by a combined score of 118-9 really isn’t a better accomplishment than beating Hawaii and San Jose State by a combined score of 99-16, is it?

That said, Boise State needs to name names. Give us the complete list of the 10 schools that c*ckblocked you. That way we can prove, beyond a shadow of doubt, that those 10 schools are monster pu$$ys.

Don’t want to play Boise State? Fine. You don’t have much to gain from playing them (aside from, you know, making the whole BCS system into less of a sham) but by not playing them you have just as much to lose: Respect. And your manhood.

No. 8 Cincinnati (7-0, 3-0) at Syracuse (3-4, 0-2), noon/ 11c
Bearcats keep on trucking. Syracuse looked good last week to, but they beat Akron. Cincy keeps rollin’.

Rutgers (5-2, 0-2) at Connecticut (4-3, 1-2), noon/ 11c
UConn couldn’t get it done last week for their fallen comrade, but I say they do it today.

Arkansas State at Louisville (2-5, 0-3), 3:30/ 2:30c
Why? Just why? Louisville, I guess.

Big 12
Finally, a league I care about! And know nothing about, apparently. Last week I was an atrocious 1-4 in the Big 12. Admittedly, there were some big upsets: Most notably, Iowa State’s first win over Nebraska in Lincoln since 1977.

Hopefully the upsets don’t continue today.

Nebraska (4-3, 1-2) at Baylor (3-4, 0-3), 12:30/ 11:30c
Nebraska can’t drop three straight games to inferior conference teams. They just can’t. Can they? Baylor better not pull an upset here…

Missouri (4-3, 0-3) at Colorado (2-5, 1-2), 1:30/ 2:30c
I used to think Mizzou was awesome. Now, not so much. Their defense is terrible. Blaine Gabbart will be good in two years but I think we can all see that he isn’t the heir apparent to Chase Daniel quite yet. Also, they got upwards of 30 inches of snow in the Rockies. This does not bode well fort Mizzou.

Iowa State (5-3, 2-2) at Texas A&M (5-3, 1-2), 3:30/ 2:30c
Plucky little ISU beat Nebraska with half the team sick with [swine?] flu. A&M beat Tech with offense. I’m pulling for the Cyclones. Just ’cause.

Kansas (5-2, 1-2) at Texas Tech (5-3, 2-2), 3:30/ 2:30c
Reesing? Heisman? Seriously? No.

Kansas State (5-3, 3-1) at Oklahoma (4-3, 2-1), 7/ 6c
Don’t look now, but the Purplecats are on top of the Big 12 North. I don’t think they can beat OU though.

No. 3 Texas (7-0, 4-0) at No. 14 Oklahoma State (6-1, 3-0), 8/ 7c
Colt McCoy. (I agree with Knoxy, this is the game of the week).

Big 10
Michigan State has now given away three games in the final minute, while Iowa has won three different games in the final minute. Most definitely last week’s game of the week.

Indiana (4-4, 1-3) at No. 4 Iowa (8-0, 4-0), noon/ 11c
Iowa has one last real test before them if they want a shot (however outside) at some major hardware. This, however, is not it. Hawks big at home.

New Mexico State (3-5) at No. 17 Ohio State (6-2, 4-1), noon/ 11c
What the f*%k am I supposed to say about this?

Purdue (3-5, 2-2) at Wisconsin (5-2, 2-2), noon/ 11c
Hey now Boilers, two in a row! And Wisconsin has lost two coming off a bye week. This could be a terrible football game. I’ll go with the momentum and pick Purdue.

Michigan (5-3, 1-3) at Illinois (1-6, 0-5), 3:30/ 2:30c
Boy, Michigan looked bad against Penn State. I was way wrong about them maybe pulling the upset. But they won’t have any trouble with Illinois.

No. 12 Penn State (7-1, 3-1) at Northwestern (5-3, 2-2), 4:30/ 3:30c
The other Purplecats are in good position to finish in the top half of the league. They won’t do it against Penn State, but it will happen. Mark my words…

Michigan State (4-4, 3-2) at Minnesota (4-4, 2-3), 8/ 7c
MSU should win if their defense doesn’t fall apart in the final five minutes again.

A final complaint: This will be the fourth game of the past five of Sparty’s that has appeared exclusively on the Big Ten Network. Next week’s game will also be on the Big Ten Network. Is there some a$$hole somewhere that has personally decided to piss me off? Have I ever wronged any ESPN or ABC executives in any way? I will grovel.

Good calls: SEC (5-1), Pac 10 (5-0). Don’t be fooled by that 14-4 record, I can’t really brag about my predictions from last week. Nothing terribly surprising happened and even when I got the predictions right, I whiffed on the margin (Auburn keeping it close against LSU? Pssshaw.)

Bad calls: I was feeling pretty good about myself following some good calls the previous week, so last Thursday I emailed a link to my weekly predictions column to Stewart Mandel, Sports Illustrated’s senior college football writer. I’ve been emailing him questions for years trying to get into his weekly mailbag. Nothing. But somehow, for some reason, he followed the link, read my column and actually sent me an email:

You’re doing a much better job prognosticating than I am. Mizzou hasn’t shown me anything the past 2 weeks, so if they pull it off, you’ll look like a genius.

You may have noticed that Texas beat the ever-loving dogsh*t out of Missouri last weekend. Sigh.  Onto the picks…

ACC

North Carolina (4-3) at #14 Virginia Tech (5-2)
Strange things always seem to happen during these Thursday night games. This should be the exception to the rule though. Virginia Tech wins.

NC State (3-4) at Florida State (3-4)
Apparently all of the dirt-shoveling over Bobby Bowden and this year’s team was slightly premature. They showed some life against UNC last week and may actually have a QB these days. FSU wins this one.

Coastal Carolina (3-4) at Clemson (4-3)
I’m tempted to make this my upset pick of the week, because if anyone was gonna lose to Coastal Carolina, it would be Clemson. They’ve got a bonafide Heisman candidate in CJ Spiller though, and his 207 all-purpose yards/game average will likely spike after this one.

Duke (4-3) at Virginia (3-4)
Thanks, Duke. The last thing we needed was another middle-of-the-pack, we-can-beat-anyone-AND-lose-to-anyone ACC team. But here you are. Virginia is favored by a touchdown, but this feels like a coinflip to me. Okay, coin flipped. I’ll take Virginia.

Central Michigan (7-1) at Boston College (5-3)
Will Central Michigan’s Dan LeFevour become the NFL’s next great and/or mediocre MAC quarterback, joining the likes of Ben Roethlisberger, Byron Leftwich and Chad Pennington? It’s possible. A big game at Boston College could put him on the national radar. I’ll take Central Michigan in the upset.

#18 Miami (5-2) at Wake Forest (4-4)
Miami keeps giving us glimpses of what they could be, then the next week they’ll remind us that they’re not there quite yet. I still think they’ll win at Wake.

#11 Georgia Tech (7-1) at Vanderbilt (2-6)
Technically, Vanderbilt is in the SEC. So technically, Paul Johnson’s triple-option offense is about to face one of those notoriously fast SEC defenses. And technically, Georgia Tech is going to win this game by 30.

SEC

#24 Ole Miss (5-2) at Auburn (5-3)
One team started the year with expectations that may have been unfairly high. The other started the year with expectations that may have been unfairly low. So who pulls it out this week: the underachiever or the overachiever? Always go with the overachiever. I’ll take Auburn.

Georgia (4-3) vs. #1 Florida (7-0) in Jacksonville
The SEC doesn’t want the media referring to this game as the World’s Largest Cocktail Party. Well, I’m calling it the World’s Largest Cocktail Party, because what a cool name for a rivalry game. What are you gonna do about it, SEC?! What’s that? Oh, no one from the SEC reads this column? Oh, no one reads this column? Hmm. Then I guess it won’t matter when I’m wrong about picking Georgia in my Guaranteed (non-binding) Upset Lock of the Week!

Eastern Michigan (0-7) at Arkansas (3-4)
Arkansas is going to win this game by 40 points. Let’s not waste anymore time on it.

Mississippi State (3-5) at Kentucky (4-3)
I gotta be honest, I don’t know anything about Kentucky. I keep saying they’re awful, but…well, they’re 4-3. And they’ve only lost to the ranked teams on their schedule (Florida, Alabama and South Carolina). I’m gonna give them the benefit of the doubt this week and pick them to win.

#21 South Carolina (6-2) at Tennessee (3-4)
I keep waiting for Tennessee to have a breakout game. And you could argue that last week was it, taking Alabama to the wire and almost beating them with a last second field goal (that was blocked). I think this is their breakout game. Gotta start somewhere, right? Tennessee in the upset.

Tulane (2-5) at #9 LSU (6-1)
I love New Orleans. And Tulane sits on a beautiful stretch of St. Charles Avenue, surrounded by majestic Victorian mansions, magnolia trees and drive-thru daiquiri stands. It’s a magical place, really. Unfortunately that won’t help them this weekend. LSU wins.

Pac 10

Cal (5-2) at Arizona State (4-3)
Another week, another slate of head-scratching games in the Pac 10. Arizona State hasn’t shown us anything, losing to every decent team on their schedule (Georgia, Oregon State, Stanford). Cal had potential, but got blown out against Oregon (42-3) and USC (30-3). Arizona State ain’t Oregon and USC. I’ll take the Bears.

UCLA (3-4) at Oregon State (4-3)
Another week, another pick against UCLA. Sorry, Bruins.

Washington State (1-6) vs. #25 Notre Dame (5-2) in San Antonio
Why the hell is this game being played in San Antonio? The Alamodome is 1,300 miles from Notre Dame’s campus and 1,500 miles from Washington State’s campus. This makes no sense. Well, both of these teams have watched that rich, fertile Texas recruiting pipeline make their competitors far better – Stanford (Andrew Luck) and Oregon State (the Rodgers bros.) for Wazzu and Texas, Oklahoma and LSU for Notre Dame. Anyway, whatever. Notre Dame wins, gets to 6-2, climbs up the rankings, inches ever-closer to a BCS berth and an inevitable blowout from one of the teams that actually deserves to be there.

#4 USC (6-1) at #10 Oregon (6-1)
You don’t need me to tell you that this is easily the best game of the weekend. USC has a more impressive win this season (at Ohio State), but Oregon has beaten some decent teams too, including Utah, Cal and the same Washington team that knocked off USC (although, let’s be honest, to say Oregon should beat USC because they beat Washington and Washington beat USC is ridiculous. You don’t think USC would bend Boise State over if they played?). Anyway. Vegas likes USC (-3) but just barely. That stadium at Oregon is gonna be rockin’. Then again, so was the stadium at Ohio State. I’ll take USC.

Big XII South Game of the Week

#3 Texas at #13 Oklahoma State
I’m so sick of picking UT games! And I’m so sick of being wrong!! Oklahoma State always seems to give Texas fits, and this game is being played in Stillwater. Still. I can’t pick against UT again. Not in this game anyway. UT wins.

But that’s what makes the sport so compelling. If you don’t show up each and every week, your national title hopes can be snuffed out in the blink of an eye. So who’s gonna get the snakebite this week? And who will slither from the weeds and do the biting? And who will suck the poison?! This metaphor is falling apart. Let’s move on, shall we?

Last week: 12-4

Good calls: ACC (4-1), SEC (5-1), Pac 10 (3-1), #19 Georgia Tech over #4 Virginia Tech (Georgia Tech win 28-23), “Ole Miss will win this game by 35+ points” (Ole Miss win 48-13), “Miami will win this game by three touchdowns” (Miami win 27-7).

Also, prior to the Texas/OU game, I wrote this:

That being said, I really don’t see how Oklahoma can pull this off. They’ve lost too many key guys, their offense hasn’t had time to find its rhythm…on the other hand, can we really live in a world in which an Oklahoma team with a Heisman-winning quarterback is unranked?! I say no.

This ended up being the most prescient paragraph I’ve ever written in my life. Oklahoma did lose too many guys, their offense hadn’t had time to find its rhythm and after OU somehow stayed in the top 25 after dropping to 3-3, we still don’t live in a world in which an Oklahoma team with a Heisman-winning quarterback is unranked. Go figure.

Now then. There’s a reason I’m spending so much time patting myself on the back for a stellar week. This week is gonna be a bloodbath. I may go 4-12. There are a lot of evenly matched teams and a lot of potential upsets…scanning the games, I don’t feel good about any of them. It’s gonna be ugly.

ACC

Florida State (2-4) at North Carolina (4-2)
It’s hard to believe that Florida State has fallen so far, so fast. Not just this season, but as a program. Do you realize Florida State finished in the top 5 of the AP poll every single year from 1987 to 2000? That’s unfathomable. They lost a total of 19 games in that span. Since 2000 they’ve lost 36 games. Even more unbelievable (even less believable?), they were in the top 25 at one point this season. And now they’re 2-4. I don’t feel comfortable picking UNC to win this game, but I kinda have to, don’t I?

#11 Georgia Tech (6-1) at Virginia (3-3)
This just screams “trap game.” Georgia Tech is coming off a huge win over Virginia Tech, they’re on the fringe of the top ten, they’re playing a Virginia team that has improved every week since that inexcusable loss to William & Mary…so is this my upset pick of the week? Nah, we’re not there yet.

Maryland (2-5) at Duke (3-3)
I don’t know what to make of Maryland. I can only figure that their win over Clemson was a total fluke. I mean, this is a team that lost to Middle Tennessee State, for cryin’ out loud. I’ll take Duke in this one.

Boston College (5-2) at Notre Dame (4-2)
Average margin of victory for BC’s five wins: 25 points
Average margin of defeat for BC’s two losses: 26 points

Meanwhile, the Fighting Irish have been within 7 points for every win and loss this season (excluding a season-opening 35-0 pasting of Nevada). What does this mean? Well, either Notre Dame is going to hold true to form and win by 3 points or BC is going to hold true to form and lose by 26.

Wake Forest (4-3) at Navy (5-2)
Even though Paul Johnson left Navy for greener pastures, his former team has managed to stay competitive, beating the bad teams (Rice, Western Kentucky) and losing to the good ones (Ohio State, Pitt). The problem in picking this game is figuring out which category Wake Forest falls into. I’ll take Navy.

Clemson (3-3) at #8 Miami (5-1)
Well, if Clemson isn’t the quintessential ACC team…they beat Boston College, then lose to Maryland, then beat Wake Forest. This is irrelevant, of course, because there’s no way they can hang with Miami. It will be interesting to see what they do during the upcoming three-game stretch against fellow head-scratchers Florida State, NC State and Virginia.

SEC

Arkansas (3-3) at Ole Miss (4-2)
This is a critical, make-or-break game for each of these teams. One of them will see their season officially go off the rails. It’s been well-documented in this column (all two weeks of it, anyway) that I believe in the Razorbacks. I’m just not quite sure what that last-second loss to Florida did to them mentally. Vegas likes Ole Miss (-6), but I’ll take Arkansas.

Tennessee (3-3) at #1 Alabama (7-0)
If Lane Kiffin does what he did against Florida – not trying to win, but trying simply to keep it respectable – then…well, I guess he’ll keep it respectable. If he plays to win, however…he’ll get blown out. Alabama cruises.

UL-Monroe (4-2) at Kentucky (3-3)
The summer after my junior year of college, I decided to spend a month living at my mom’s house in Monroe, LA. And since I had a Spanish requirement to fulfill, I decided to take a summer class at UL-Monroe. My final grade in the class: 104. Unfortunately, their athletics are on par with their academics. Kentucky rolls in this one.

Vanderbilt (2-5) at #23 South Carolina (5-2)
South Carolina wins this one. What a disappointing season for Vandy. It almost appeared that Bobby Johnson had this program headed in the right direction. This is a column for another day, but can we please take these highly-respected private universities and start a separate conference? Duke, Tulane, Vandy, Rice, SMU, Baylor…this would make sense, right?

#2 Florida (6-0) at Mississippi State (3-4)
Dan Mullen was Florida’s offensive coordinator last season, now he’s Mississippi State’s coach. If USC’s former offensive coordinator (U-Dub’s Steve Sarkisian) could knock off the Trojans then surely…nah. At least Washington had some recruits in place. Florida wins this one easily.

Auburn (5-2) at #9 LSU (5-1)
Oh, Auburn. You get everyone’s hopes up by winning your first five games, beating an underrated West Virginia team and handling Tennessee on the road. Then you follow that up by losing at Arkansas (understandable) and…uhh…at home to Kentucky?! Not the best time to slump, heading into a night game at Death Valley. LSU wins, but (to borrow from Lee Corso), it’s closer than the experts think.

Pac 10

#12 Oregon (5-1) at Washington (3-4)
This is the game where everyone says, “Oh, Oregon is looking ahead to USC, but don’t sleep on Washington! Look what they did to USC!” You think the Oregon coaches and players haven’t picked up on that already? Oregon wins.

Washington State (1-5) at Cal (4-2)
Washington State continues to be one of the worst major conference teams in the country. Cal wins.

UCLA (3-3) at Arizona (4-2)
Arizona might be better than I gave them credit for. They’ve beaten some decent teams (Oregon State, Stanford) this year, and this game is at home. I’ll take Arizona.

Oregon State (4-2) at #4 USC (5-1)
The word “revenge” will be batted around by the Gameday crew, I’m sure. And I guess that’s fair, considering Oregon State ruined USC’s chances of playing for a national title last year. USC wins big.

Arizona State (4-2) at Stanford (4-3)
Hell, I don’t know. These Pac 10 games are tough to pick. Luckily, most of the games this week have an obvious winner, aside from UCLA/Arizona and this one. I’ve had a lot of faith in Stanford this season (for some strange reason). Why stop now? Stanford wins.

Big XII South Game of the Week

#3 Texas (6-0) at Missouri (4-2)
I still think Texas is overrated. They played an OU team last week that was without Sam Bradford, and they still barely won. The one thing they did well was defend the run. The one thing they didn’t do well was defend the pass. And guess what Mizzou likes to do? I’ll take Missouri in my Guaranteed (non-binding) Upset Lock of the Week.

But before I start with the real teams, I’d like to give a shoutout to my alma mater. It’s not often that I get to brag to outsiders about a place mostly known for its disturbing conservatism and a murder-suicide scandal that was eventually made into a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit episode. (I went there because I thought it was less conservative, more libertarian, yadda, yadda…)

Anyhow, the news is this: Hillsdale College beat No. 1 Grand Valley State University for the first time in 15 years. GVSU hadn’t lost a GLIAC game since 2004. Basically, they were unstoppable. But we beat them. Because we are awesome. Props to you, Charger football team, props to you!

Alright, now, onto the real football picks.

Last week: 17-4 (also had a few non-picks, including Illinois-MSU)

Big East

They’re playing games this week on Thursday AND Friday. They REALLY need viewers, don’t they?

No. 8 Cincinnati (5-0) at No. 21 South Florida (5-0) (Thursday, 7:30/ 6:30c
OK, this looks like it will actually be a good game. The Bearcats intrigue me. I will choose them if only because on the highlights I see, they look like they’re on a roll.

Pittsburgh (5-1) at Rutgers (4-1), Friday 8/ 7c
This is why I hate the Big East for football. They’re seriously going to play this game on a Friday? Who plays on Friday if you aren’t in high school? Why will anyone watch this, and do they think people in their own viewing area will even care? Pitt, I guess.

Louisville (2-3) at Connecticut (3-2), 12/ 11c
In the Big East, nearly every game would be better indoors in the winter. This one is no exception. I’ll keep that in mind when making my picks from now on, and go with Louisville, just ’cause.

Marshall (4-2)at West Virginia (4-1), 3:30/ 2:30c
Does anyone else find it weird, looking back, that Randy Moss went to Marshall? He seems more like a Miami or USC kinda guy. A bigtime guy. Just an observation. I’ll go with the Herd, just for the hell of it.

Big 12

No. 20 Oklahoma (3-2) vs. No. 3 Texas (5-0), noon/ 11c
My colleague says this: “Can we really live in a world in which an Oklahoma team with a Heisman-winning quarterback is unranked?” God, I hope so. I’ll go directly against him and say UT wins big.

Texas Tech (4-2) at No. 15 Nebraska (4-1), 3:30/ 2:30 c
If the Huskers can best Tech, I think we can call them back for good. Can we? Let’s hope. No more Texas dominance. Go Blackshirts.

No. 17 Kansas (5-0) at Colorado (1-4), 7/ 6 c
Remember when CU was a feared football school? Remember when KU was a laughingstock unless you were on the court? This is almost a joyless exercise. Rock Chalk, again.

Baylor (3-2) at Iowa State (3-3), 7/ 6c
Iowa State maybe isn’t as bad as I thought, they almost beat KU. Either that or the Jayhawks just happen to be the best team in a weak division. OK, yeah, nevermind. Baylor.

Texas A&M (3-2) at Kansas State (3-2), 7/ 6c
I will keep picking against K-State until they stop wearing purple. Sorry, Gogol Bordello, but that color just makes K-State look even worse than they are.

Missouri (4-1) at No. 16 Oklahoma State (4-1), 9:15/ 8:15c
Man, does Mizzou get screwed when it comes to scheduling. They’ve played on a Thursday, on a Friday, and now this. 9:15 p.m. eastern? Just who do they think is going to watch this at 9:15 p.m. eastern? Many Mizzou or OK State fans on the east coast? Whatever. We know Mizzou isn’t nearly as good as maybe they should be— that Nebraska loss was embarrassing. But I’m still not convinced about the Cowboys, either. I’d say it’s a wash and pick OK State, barely.

Big 10
Iowa is awesome. I can forgive them their near eff-up against Northern Iowa after seeing that defense against legit teams. My preemptive Big 10 champions. Screw OSU.

No. 7 Ohio State (5-1) at Purdue (1-5), noon/ 11c
I did not realize how bad Purdue was.

No. 11 Iowa (6-0) at Wisconsin (5-1), noon/ 11c
Part 2 of Iowa’s four-part road test. They already won in State College, they have to prove themselves in Madison, East Lansing AND Columbus. I say they do it, I love that defense.

Northwestern (4-2) at Michigan State (3-3), noon/ 11c
Maybe Sparty is back at respectability. They should have been better this year. Guess not. I’ll go with them though.

Delaware State (1-3) at Michigan (4-2), noon/ 11c
You have GOT to be kidding me. Rich Rod cannot be serious here. Can we please get them to lose to a D-IAA school again? Probabaly won’t happen, but God I want it to.

Minnesota (4-2) at No. 14 Penn State (5-1), 3:30/ 2:30c
Penn State. I don’t care.

Illinois (1-4) at Indiana (3-3), 7/ 6c
Juice Williams was supposed to be the “it” QB of the Big 10, wasn’t he? What a tool. Hoosiers.

Independents
Army (3-3) at Temple, 1/ noon c
Big win for the cadets last week against Vandy. They can beat Temple.

No. 6 USC (4-1) at No. 25 Notre Dame (4-1), 3:30/ 2:30c
There are two and only two possible scenarios for this game: 1) USC scores four touchdowns in the first quarter and it is a boring blowout; 2) Notre Dame stays tough the whole time and takes it to overtime for a controversial win. There is no third option. That said, I hope it is choice No. 2 because if not my dd is going to be miserable, and I don’t want to have to deal with that.

Navy (4-2) at Southern Methodist (3-2), 8/ 7c
Don’t these teams play every year? I don’t even know. I’ll pick Navy.

MAC
Eh, not today.

I myself am a Big XII man, through and through. I went to school at Texas Tech, which has allowed me to develop a seething hatred for A&M (brainwashed), UT (arrogant) and OU (hicks). Personal preferences aside though, I’m an avid fan of the sport. And I’m thrilled that Jeremy has asked me to contribute to the site.

Before we begin, I’d like to take this moment to formally thank Jack for agreeing to take the Big East, as I would rather smack myself in the nuts with a ball-peen hammer than watch one second of Big East football.

Let’s get to some predictions, shall we?

ACC

Boston College at No. 5 Virginia Tech
At the time, most people assumed that Virginia Tech’s opening week loss to Alabama exposed them as frauds. Now the pendulum is starting to swing the other way after their wins over Nebraska and Miami and people are retroactively impressed that they hung around with such a dominant Alabama team. I don’t know, I think they fall somewhere in the middle. Virginia Tech is a two touchdown favorite, and they should win the game, but BC will keep it close.

Southern at North Carolina
Yikes. North Carolina’s offense has been putrid these last few weeks. Either this game will end 16-9 or UNC will go all big nuts on lowly Southern and try to rack up 500 yards of offense to make themselves feel better.

Indiana at Virginia
Geh, do I have to pick this game? Indiana looked respectable in a close loss to Michigan. Virginia beat the previously-overrated-now-accurately-rated Tarheels. I’ll take Virginia, but only because they’re at home.

Duke at North Carolina State
I think NC State is sneaky good this year, despite their recent bed-sh*tting against Wake and opening season loss to the Gamec*cks. Duke is still Duke for the time being. NC State wins this game by four touchdowns.

Maryland at Wake Forest
Egads, these ACC matchups are painful. These two teams have been battling all season for the title of “who can disappoint their fans more.” Maryland’s marquee win is over Clemson and Wake’s is over Stanford. Seriously. Way to go, ACC. I’ll take Wake here because I think Maryland is actually worse than their 2-3 record would lead you to believe.

Florida A&M at No. 11 Miami (FL)
Miami will win this game by 40 points. Let’s not waste anymore time on it.

No. 22 Georgia Tech at Florida State
This is actually a pretty intriguing match-up, since Florida State has the team speed to slow down Georgia Tech’s weirdly productive triple option offense. Although, times are tough in Tallahassee right now, and Bobby Bowden’s got a full-blown student mutiny on his hands. I’ll take Georgia Tech in this one.

SEC

No. 17 Auburn at Arkansas
Now we’re talking! I was actually in Fayetteville last weekend for a wedding, and I can tell you, their fans are insane. I heard them “call the hogs” in person. At a wedding reception. I like Arkansas to win this game and end all of the premature “how good is Auburn?” talk.

Vanderbilt at Army
Yikes. Uhh…I’ll take Vandy, but I don’t feel confident about it. Moving on…

Georgia at Tennessee
Can Lane Kiffin please stop being such a jackhole? Look, coach, I get it. There’s no such thing as bad publicity and you need to draw as much attention to the school (and yourself) as you can. Still, you’ve been straddling that fine line between “provocative” and “galling” for awhile now. Chill out. Georgia wins by 3.

Houston at Mississippi State
I hated that UH was beaten last week by UTEP, and thus, exposed as complete and total frauds. After they beat my Red Raiders, I’d hoped they could run the table and bring a little positive attention to the program. I remember going to UH games as a kid and watching Heisman-winning quarterback Andre Ware (seriously) sling touchdowns all over the Astrodome. Such is life. Mississippi State wins.

No. 3 Alabama at No. 20 Mississippi
This is a pretty intriguing match-up when you consider that Ole Miss was once the number four team in the country. Do they rebound and shock Alabama at home or does the stench of that top ten ranking haunt them until the bitter end? I choose the latter. Alabama rolls.

Kentucky at No. 25 South Carolina
Kentucky stinks this year. I’ll take the Fighting Spurriers.

No. 1 Florida at No. 4 LSU
This is the game of the week, obviously, although I don’t think anyone truly believes LSU is the #4 team in the country. Which makes this a strange game – if Tebow doesn’t play, a win for LSU not only doesn’t necessarily legitimize them, it also probably doesn’t impact the Gators that much. A strange game calls for a strange prediction. If Tebow plays, LSU wins based on the fact that their crowd will be going bonkers for the entire sixty minutes. If Tebow doesn’t play, Florida wins, based on the inevitable disappointment of the home crowd and time-munching, yard-crunching running game of Florida.

Pac 10
I have to be honest, beyond USC, I don’t know much about the Pac 10. Every year they produce a bunch of okay teams and maybe a surprisingly good team, but it’s hard to distinguish from one year to the next who that will be. Kindly take these picks with a grain of salt, west coasters.

No. 13 Oregon at UCLA
At first glance, it appears that Oregon is getting better every week. Since that opening week debacle against Boise State, they’ve squeaked by Purdue, handled an overrated Utah team, murdered Cal then stomped Washington State. They’re still too erratic for my liking. UCLA will win and I’m making this my Guaranteed (non-binding) Upset Lock of the Week.

Arizona State at Washington State
Haven’t heard much from Dennis Erickson’s crew this year. But Washington State is one of the worst teams in the country. Take the Sun Devils.

Stanford at Oregon State
Stanford has been competitive this year and Oregon State seems to have taken a step back. I like Stanford.

Arizona at Washington
Remember what I said in the intro about indistinguishable Pac 10 teams? Exhibits A and B. Uhh…I guess I think Arizona is gonna win?

Big XII South game of the week

No. 15 Oklahoma State at Texas A&M
Well, it appears Dez Bryant is out after misleading the NCAA about some interaction he had with an ex-NFL player (who probably committed the egregious crime of buying him a sandwich or something). This may rattle the Cowboys a little. As much as it pains me, I’m gonna take A&M in the upset.

In short, here are some observations. Big 10: mediocre, but not as horrible as others would have you believe. Big 12: Not sure, since no one played anyone. MAC: Still the MAC.

I’d also like to announce that, despite my previous disparaging remarks on the conference, I’m taking on all the Big East games, because the other guy who will be joining me in talking about college football doesn’t want them. Would you? But they have Cincinnati, which is technically in the Midwest. So that’s fun.

I’m also taking the liberty of talking about Notre Dame (they might as well be a Big Ten football team anyway) and Army and Navy. Gold-helmeted independents of the football world unite!

OK, enough bull. I haven’t even looked at which games are being played this week, so this should be fun (and way too long). I am copying and pasting them to this window right….NOW!

Big 12
Starting with them because the Mizzou/ Nebraska game is tonight.

No. 21 Nebraska (3-1) at No. 24 Missouri (4-0), Thursday 9/ 8c
Blaine Gabbert vs. the Zombie Blackshirts. Nebraska has the fewest points allowed in the NCAA, but that’s because they’ve only played the entire Sun Belt Conference (plus VT, a sh*tty loss). Mizzou has decent wins over Illinois and Nevada. Tigers keep rolling.

No. 15 Oklahoma State (3-1) at Texas A&M (3-1), 12:30/ 11:30c
That Aggie loss to Arkansas was embarrassing, but no more so than OK State’s win over Grambling. Pokes still win.

Iowa State (3-2) at No. 16 Kansas (3-2), 12:30/ 11:30 c
The good team from Kansas vs. the crappy team from Iowa. I know, it’s hard to keep these flyover schools straight, isn’t it? Rock Chalk.

Baylor (3-1) at No. 19 Oklahoma (2-2), 3:30/ 2:30c
Will he or won’t he? Hint: OU could put Wayne Coyne at quarterback and still beat Baylor.

Kansas State (3-2) at Texas Tech (3-2) 7/ 6c
Purple and red is an ugly color combination. Luckily, Tech won’t make me watch it for too long.

Colorado (1-3) at No. 2 Texas (4-0), 7:15/ 6:15c
Hey, Michigan isn’t the only BCS school who’s lost to Toledo in the past 12 months! Welcome to the club, Buffs!

Big 10
The title of this post says it all. The Big Ten: Where mediocrity happens.

Eastern Illinois (4-1) at No. 14 Penn State (4-1), noon/ 11c
This game is on ESPN Classic. Who is honestly going to go out of their way to tune into this game?

Miami (OH) (0-5) at Northwestern (3-2), noon/ 11c
The sh*tty Miami team takes on the only somewhat good Northwestern team. The other Northwestern team already lost to Houston and gets a tussle with Central Arkansas, a region of that state that, apparently, exists.

Purdue (1-4) at Minnesota (3-2), noon/ 11c
I have nothing to say to the state of Minnesota at this point. You are dead to me, and you can take your crappy dome with you. Boiler up, baby.

Michigan State (2-3) at Illinois (1-3), noon/ 11 c
The two biggest disappointments of the Big Ten this season. Whaddaya say we just skip this one and re-gather in Champaign come March?

Wisconsin (5-0) at No. 9 Ohio State (4-1), 3:30/ 2:30c
Your eyes are deceiving you. The Badgers are not REALLY undefeated. It’s all part of the media conspiracy. Or something. Bucks.

Indiana (3-2) at Virginia (1-3), 3:30/ 2:30c
Come on, people, give me something to work with here! I guess IU hasn’t lost to an FCS opponent, so I’ll give them the dubious nod.

Michigan at No. 12 Iowa, 8:05/ 7:05c
This might as well be the only game in the Big Ten this week. Both teams have humorously-named quarterbacks. Tate Forcier is just a sex pun waiting to happen (“It’s INSANE this guy’s Tait!“). And Ricky Stanzi kind of sounds like “stasi“, those wacky German police and their crazy antics. I actively root against Michigan, and I will continue to do so here. Hawks.

Big East
As per my agreement with Knoxy, I’m forced into this. The Bearcats don’t play this week, which makes it even more difficult to stomach.

West Virginia (3-1) at Syracuse (2-3), noon/ 11c
I had to come back to this one. I forgot anything I ever knew about these teams, which is basically nothing. Mountaineers get it by record default. Side note: Why do Syracuse have a dome in their logo? That’s gotta be the least intimidating thing ever. I miss the giant anthropomorphic Orange.

Texas Southern (1-3) at Rutgers (3-1), 3:30/ 2:30c
How can I say anything about this game? Seriously. This is why the Big East is even shittier than the Big Ten. Rutgers wins.

Connecticut (3-1) at Pittsburgh (4-1), 3:30/ 2:30c
This would make an awesome basketball game. Think Pit can get Levance Fields to play wideout? I mean, just for the hell of it? It would only make them even more awesome.

Southern Miss (3-2) at Louisville (1-3), 7:30/ 6:30c
Favre College nearly beat Kansas, so that’s something. Maybe they can beat Louisville too and get an at-large bid in the… whoops, sorry, wrong sport again. My bad.

Independents
If I didn’t preview Notre Dame, my dad would be mad at me. Luckily, they don’t play this week. But I promised you Army and Navy, so Navy and Army you shall receive.

Vanderbilt (2-3) at Army (2-3), noon/ 11c
Too many damn gold helmets here. Just get it over with, already, Vandy.

Navy (3-2) at Rice (0-5), 3:30/ 2:30c
One of the favorite cheers we’d do in high school against our rivals at Brother Rice was this: “What comes out of a Chinamans’ a$$? RICE! RICE! RICE! RICE!” Not much more to this one than that.

MAC
I don’t know why I thought I wanted the MAC in the first place, but I do. I’ll cover all the ones that aren’t already playing a Big Ten team.

Eastern Michigan (0-4) at Central Michigan (4-1), noon/ 11c
Dan LeFevo(u?)r is kind of awesome. For a Central Michigan Chippewa, anyway. Best thing to come out of Mt. Pleasant since Chris Kaman.

Ball State (0-5) at Temple (2-2), 1/ 2c
You know they named a building after Letterman in Muncie? It’s true. It in no way trumps Cosby, however.

Gardner-Webb (4-1) at Buffalo (1-4), 3:30/ 2:30c
I honestly thought G-W was Division II team. Buffalo could be.

Bowling Green (1-4) at Kent State (2-3), 3:30/ 2:30c
Since we’re on the celebrity alma maters thing, might as well do the same here: Drew Carey always beats… hey, wait… Ric Ocasek? Seriously? OK, nevermind. Go Falcons.

Ohio (3-2) at Akron (1-3), 6/ 5c
Who starts games at 6 p.m.? I guess if you’re in Akron, you’ve got nothing better to do if the Black Keys aren’t in town.

Western Michigan (2-3) at Toledo (3-2), 7/ 6c
I’m drained on this. I have nothing left in the snark tank. Toledo.

Finally, Grand Valley State University (6-0) at (Hillsdale College (4-2). It’s the faceless directional state party school (seriously, most generic campus ever) vs. the kinda lame uptight liberal arts college (many of our football cheers, no joke, were based either on Latin wordplay or works of literature…. eff me). Who will win?

Well, the Chargers have lost their last ten games against the Lakers and are a Division II athletics machine. (GVSU has a student population of 24,000. Hillsdale has a population of 1,400. Gee, I wonder why they often get their asses kicked…)

It does not bode well for the Chargers, but it is homecoming and they are better than they have been in ages, so who knows?

My territory, minus a state or two.

Because I just realized that although we have a lot of NFL writing on this website, we have little to no college football chatter on here. Thus, I decided to take it upon myself to talk college football with the Other Fifteen masses.

Now, a bit of a disclaimer before you start asking, “Well, where’s Florida and USC on here?”

There’s a reason for this: I am a hard-born Midwesterner. My mom’s entire family is from Iowa (and a few from the vastly underrated city of Omaha, Neb…seriously, it’s a great little city). And despite the fact that my dad was a military brat, he was born in Indianapolis and went to Notre Dame (sorry), so that’s another point for my Midwestern-ness.

As for me, I was born in Illinois, and despite a brief detour into Colorado, spent my formative years in Michigan. I’ve spent some time in Texas, and I now live in Missouri. Basically, I’ve never not lived in a state where there wasn’t either a Big 10 or Big 12 school in the mix. And although Texas isn’t technically Midwestern, it’s not SEC country, so f*ck you.

Point is, the Big 10 and Big 12 are all I know. There’s no way I could ever get used to or enjoy anything else. Football in the south? Too crazy. Football in the west? Too glitzy. Football on the east coast? I didn’t realize football even existed on the east coast (sorry, Big East).

So that’s it. I’ll be picking winners of the Big 10 and Big 12. And, when the mood strikes me, the MAC (yeah, the MAC…get used to it). Hopefully this week and every week. I might even get crazy and include my alma mater, beloved Hillsdale College, and their awesome D-II GLIAC brethren.

If you want hard-hitting analysis on “real” football teams like Florida and USC, well…look elsewhere. This is about the disgusting beauty that is the Big 10. This is about games that start at NOON, damnit, not at 7 p.m. Eastern. This is about teams that play in fading cities with no industry. This is about teams that play in the middle of nowhere, next to some f^cking corn or wheat or oil fields.

Yeah, that’s right. This is about the Big 10. The MAC. And the northern half of the Big 12. This is football.

The picks start after the jump.

Big 10

No. 22 Michigan (4-0) at Michigan State (1-3), noon/ 11c
Disclaimer: I’m a Sparty fan. But even someone who wasn’t a State fan could recognize that neither of these teams reflects their record. Michigan hasn’t beat anyone (Notre Dame doesn’t count, yet) while MSU should be 3-1. This game could and should be ugly. It will be glorious. I’ll go with State, just because I’m a biased a$$hole.

Wisconsin (4-0) at Minnesota (3-1), noon/ 11c
Gophers should have beaten Cal, but then again, everyone knows now that Cal is a big fraud anyway. Wisconsin, like Michigan, hasn’t beaten anyone either. I actually can’t name a single player on either of these teams. Yawn. Gophers at home?

Northwestern (2-2) at Purdue (1-3), noon/ 11c
How does Northwestern lose to Syracuse? How does anyone lose to Syracuse, for that matter? Penn State and Minnesota both got it done. I thought Northwestern was supposed to be “good.” But then again, “good” in the Big Ten is a relative term. Unfortunately for Purdue, bad is still bad. Cats get the win.

Arkansas State (1-2) at No. 13 Iowa (4-0), noon/ 11c
Goddamnit, Iowa. Goddamnit. I want to love you. I really do. You have a sweet defense and a good, no nonsense rushing attack. That Stanzi guy looks good at quarterback. But noooooo. You have to go and fuck up all the goodwill you might have received from beating Penn State by scheduling Arkansas State. Arkansas State! I mean, come on! Does ANYONE in this conference want to be taken seriously? Goddamn.

No. 15 Penn State (3-1) at Illinois (1-2), 3:30/ 2:30c
As far as “being taken seriously,” we know that Penn State’s answer is “no.” Their nonconference schedule consists of Akron, Temple, Syracuse and then, just to spice things up, next week they play Eastern Illinois. Don’t get too crazy, JoePa. Wouldn’t want to break another leg.

No. 9 Ohio State (3-1) at Indiana (3-1), 7/ 6c
And the shitty thing about it? The only team in this conference that WANTS to be taken seriously but CAN’T because they suck against non-conference teams not from Ohio. Why do I like this fucking conference so much again?

Big 12

Kansas State (2-2) at Iowa State (2-2), 3/ 2c
Who doesn’t love a battle between two mediocre farming schools? Hey, where are you going….? There’s a big shindig going on in Ames….

New Mexico (0-4) at Texas Tech (2-2), 3:30/ 2:30c
I think the only real question here is, how many touchdown passes does Taylor Potts throw before the Lobo secondary coach knifes the linebackers coach?

Kent State (2-2) at Baylor (2-1), 7/6c
Hmm. Interesting. I’m trying to figure out exactly who will watch this game. I mean, I’ll bet even Baylor fans have better things to do with their time.

Texas A&M (3-0) vs. Arkansas (1-2), 7:30/ 6:30c
The Hogs have played some legit teams. They almost beat UGA and then got sauced by Alabama. A&M is 3-0 after beating some saps. They are also a paramilitary organization. I wouldn’t piss them off.

No. 8 Oklahoma (2-1) at No. 17 Miami (FL) (2-1), 8/ 7c
OK, riddle me this: BYU beat the Sooners without Sam Bradford. The the Sooners, without Sam Bradford, put a beat-down on Idaho State and Tulsa. Not exactly earth-shattering teams to beat. Yet somehow, OU is still in the top ten. Miami, on the other hand, is also 2-1, and they’ve played three ranked teams in a row. Yet somehow, after only one loss to a better-than-expected Virginia Tech team, they fell out of the top ten? Will someone explain this shit to me? They need to give me a goddamn vote. I say Miami wins and exposed Oklahoma for the f*ckers that they are.

No MAC today. I’m just not feelin’ it. But I will pick the Hillsdale College Chargers (now ranked No. 24 and 4-1 after upsetting the No. 13 Ashland Eagles) to smash the puny Findlay Oilers in Findlay, Ohio on Saturday night. That sets up an awesome battle with perennial D-II power Grand Valley State next weekend. It will be epic.