Favre, after another interception, is seen here contemplating just how much he wants to jerk around his team and the media before the start of next season.

Vikings quarterback Brett Favre called a press conference today to announce his (third) retirement from football.  Favre cried a lot and said that finishing his career on a game in which his 2 interceptions and 1 fumble ended his team’s chance at a title was a fitting way to call it quits.  Immediately after his press conference, Favre called another press conference to cry and un-retire (again), followed by an exclusive interview with Fox News saying, while crying, that the Vikings were at fault for the way things had ended and then threatened to leave the team for the rival Packers if things didn’t immediately get resolved on his terms.  Favre then called another press conference in which he did nothing but sob uncontrollably while making no attempt at saying anything at all.

Cardinals/Saints

Here’s all you need to know about this game:

Not the QB shootout I was hoping for.  The Cardinals couldn’t protect Warner, which kept him from getting the ball in the hands of his talented receivers. Meanwhile, Drew Brees and Reggie Bush put on a pretty good show.

Colts/Ravens

I’m pretty sure the Ravens thought they were playing Hot Potato and not football.  They threw 2 picks, fumbled twice… even Ed Reed fumbled.  “But wait,” you say, “Ed Reed is a safety, how did he fumble?”  Well, Ed Reed picked off Peyton Manning, returned it 38 yards, and then got stripped.  Thus is the creative variety of the Ravens’ turnovers on Saturday.  It’s never fun watching a game in which one of the teams keeps shooting themselves in the foot.

Vikings/Cowboys

The Cowboys have sore vaginas.  They claim that the Vikings were running up the score on them.  The Vikings won 34-3 after a late touchdown.  The previous two weeks, the Cowboys beat the Eagles 24-0 and 34-14 (after the Eagles scored a late touchdown to make the score look less pathetic).  Keith Brooking charged the sidelines at the end of the game and shouted at Vikings’ coach Brad Childress. “I thought it was classless,” Brooking said. “I thought it was B.S. Granted, we get paid to stop them, but…“  Well, there you have it.  You blow out a team twice in a row, including in the playoffs, then get blown out and cry about it.  Then you admit that you didn’t do your job in stopping them and that’s why they beat the shit out of you.  Then you say “but” acknowledging that you’re being a hypocrite and a crybaby while simultaneously trying to justify it.  No, Keith Brooking, they aren’t classless.  They were competing with integrity.  They were playing hard til the end.  That’s what you’re taught to do in every game of every sport since you were in elementary school.  I’ll let the Vikings’ Visanthe Shiancoe, who scored the late TD, have the last word.  “Ok, we apologize.  I’m sorry.  Better?”

Jets/Chargers

This was the only good game of the bunch, though I’m sure several thousand idiots out there are complaining about the low score.  It featured a scoreless tie at the end of the 1st quarter, with both defenses dominating early (though the Jets’ uncreative offensive play-calling is probably to blame for their lack of a first down through their first 3 or 4 possessions).  Then the Chargers took control for most of the game, until the Jets fortunes were turned around starting with two interceptions, including this impossible grab by Darrelle Revis:

After that, the Jets scored two TDs in the 4th on a bootleg pass from Mark “Dirty” Sanchez and a breakaway 53 yard run by Shonn Greene.  The only downside to this game was the three missed field goals by Chargers’ kicker Nate Kaeding, which would have given them at least a tie and at most a win.  But despite that, this was a hard-fought close game from start to finish.  That’s about the least these teams could give us after watching the three previous ass beatings.

sober as can be

When you run a sports blog, one would assume that you know a thing or two about sports, and Jeremy Hawn is no exception to that assumption.  His knowledge of football is vast, his insight on players is bountiful, and his mustache is all too often the topic of conversation.  While most people are watching their weekly reality shows and sitcoms, Jeremy is sitting in his Manhattan apartment sipping mimosas and studying sports statistics.  While you are at work, Jeremy is drafting columns about gruesome sex acts, how he hates Brett Favre, and how he’d like to perform gruesome sex acts on Brett Favre (prediction).

Since Mr. Hawn’s life basically revolves around sports, writing about sports, and his facial hair you would think that he’d have an unbelievable fantasy football team that trounces opponents on a weekly basis.  That is not the case.  This past weekend, my fantasy football team, Tone and Friends, destroyed YouPlayToWinTheGame by almost 35 points.  The entire time I was utilizing the “Smack Talk” feature to belittle Jeremy and his poor excuse for a fantasy football team with no response.

Towards the end of Sunday’s football games, I started to get scared that maybe I said something that hurt Jeremy’s feelings.  Shortly thereafter I decided that was impossible since Jeremy’s ego cannot be harmed even if you use quotes from Wu Tang Clan’s Torture skit.  I then called Jeremy hoping to belittle him and cause some permanent ego damage.  My plan was foiled when he claimed to have his “entire team” on a bye week.  His bye week problem could have been prevented by not drafting players that have the same bye week, but he wouldn’t understand something so logical.

Once everything was said and done, I was confused.  I asked myself, “How could I really get to Jeremy?”  I decided that it would be best to attack him using the thing that he loves most, this website.  So here I am Jeremy!  I will now insult you using the eloquent words of Iron Mike Tyson in hopes of permanent ego hindrance.  “You can’t touch me, you not man enough.  I’ll eat your a$$hole alive b*tch….. Look at you scared now you h#, scared like a little white p%ssy, scared of the real man.  I’ll f#ck you til you love me.

Eye Candy

Welcome to another addition of Eye Candy / Eye Rape where I rate the NFL games this week in turms of their watchability.  Let’s get going:

Texans vs. 49ers: The first half was some brutal eye rape, but then the 49ers came back and almost tied it.  Plus, we got to see Alex Smith look like an actualy QB instead of a huge bust.  So, Eye Candy

Packers vs. Browns: The browns are walking eye rape.  Any game involving them will be in that category.  If you’re not watching Derek Anderson make a mockery of his contract, you’re watching Brady Quinn’s bulging arm veins.  They are the “pick your poison” of Eye Rape.

Chargers vs. Chiefs: This was eye sodomy.  One team is good but is full of a$$holes, one team is bad and is overshadowed by one ginormous a$$hole.  Speaking of which, watching LJ meltdown after the game over Twitter was definitely eye candy.  But the game itself?  Eye Rape with a Blunt Object

Colts vs. Rams: Much like the Browns, any game involving the Rams is eye rape, only more so.  This is easily the least-good team in the league and I’m fully predicting an 0-16 season out of them.  They’re worse than the Lions were last year, and they pulled it off.  In fact, each games play is pretty close to actual rape.  All that’s missing is the opposing teams d*cks in the Rams’ a$$es.  Eye Gang Rape

Vikings vs. Steelers: This one was the opposite of eye rape.  It was an eye orgasm with someone you love.

Eye Rape

I could watch Brett Favre get his ass kicked all day.  And lucky for me, that’s exactly what I got to see yesterday thanks to the Steelers’ defense.  Thanks guys.  I’m going to go smoke a cigarette now.  Sweet, Sweet Eye Candy

Patriots vs. Buccaneers: Seriously NFL?  You wanted to show THIS to England to try to get them interested in football?  That’s not even close to a genuine attempt at giving them a competitive game to watch.  All they saw was a track meet by the Pats.  There is no joke here, only criticism for the NFL.  If you’re going to bother putting on games in London, and are genuinely trying to build an audience there, why not bother to put together a good matchup?  This is just a waste of everyone’s time.  International Eye Rape

Jets vs. Raiders: JaMarcus Russel is eye rape personified.  I feel violated after every time I watch him.  Eye Rape so bad that it feels like actual rape.

Bills vs. Panthers: Two terrible teams battling it out to see who’s worse.  This game featured a new QB in Buffalo whose name I’m not even bothering to learn.  In fact, it hasn’t mattered since Flutie.  Lossman, Edwards, New Guy, it doesn’t matter.  They are terrible.  Eye Statutory Rape (in honor of Roman Polanski’s arrest)

Bengals vs. Bears: This was not only vicious eye rape, it was an eye hate-f#ck.  Cedric Benson spent a few years and a few million dollars being a bench player on our team, then got into a ton of legal trouble, then went to Cincy and showed us why he was the #4 overall pick.  Where was this when you wee in Chicago, Cedric?  And why do you feel the need to take revenge on a team that tried to make you successful, only to have you burn them with a series of arrests?  Eye Rape as some sort of sick revenge

Cowboys vs. Falcons: This was a pretty competitive game, but I most liked it for watching the emergence of a new NFL star, Miles Austin, an underdog if there ever was one.  He went undrafted out of Monmouth University and has spent 3 years as a role player.  Watching him destroy opposing defenses is about as pleasurable to watch as anything in sports right now.  Also, Patrick Crayton scored 2 TDs, further marginalizing Roy Williams.  I know it’s petty, but I can’t resist on bringing this back to Matt Millen.  That guy is officially 1 for 4 at drafting first round wide receivers (all top 10 pics).  Eye Candy

Saints vs. Dolphins: Delicious eye candy.  The Dolphins jumped all over the Saints early, which was intriguing given that New Orleans was undefeated.  But then Drew Brees started doing his Frank Reich impression, and the Saints came back from 21 points down to winning by 12.  It was like watching the Rope a Dope.  Extra points for Reggie Bush’s CRAZY leap into the end zone from the six yard line.  This wasn’t just Eye Candy, watching this game was like being at the titty bars in heaven.

Cardinals vs. Giants: Nobody watched this game.  Well, maybe Cardinals fans, and they probably liked it a lot.  Yes these were two good NFC teams matched up, but the Yankees were clinching, so only people in Phoenix cared.  Total Indifference to what was probably a good game.

Eagles vs. Redskins: This game didn’t deserve my viewership.  I vote that the Racist Team Name from DC That I Refuse to Type be banned from nationally televised games until Dan Snyder sells the team or installs his buddy Tom Cruise at QB.  Now, THAT would be an entertaining game to watch.  Eye Rape by an insane millionaire

And that’s it for this edition of Eye Candy / Eye Rape.  The final was: Eye Candy 4 – Eye Rape 8.  See you next week!

Now I’m sitting in my bedroom at my parents house, delirious with hunger from having to fast for a day, and trying to digest the day in football since I can’t digest any food.  My Bears won an interesting game in which our opponent missed two easy field goals for the second week in a row, both games having been capitalized upon by a Jay Cutler-led drive for the winning score.  We also saw the Lions win for their first time in 20 games, which is a miserable stat in any sport, but especially one that only plays 16 games a year.  We also saw Brett Favre gun-sling his way to another victory in the way that only the old gun-slinging gun-slinger can because he has so much fun and likes to sling guns and don’t we all love Brett Favre and isn’t he fun-loving and gun-slinging. The lesson to be learned from him is: take unnecessary risks, d*ck everyone over everywhere, lie and cry your a$$ off, and you will be rewarded as long as you look like you have fun doing it.  There are few faces on earth I want to punch more than Brett Fav-ruh’s.

Mike Vick returned to playing football… poorly.  The Bengals had an exciting last-second victory over the defending (though not very well) champs.  The Colts officially ushered in Arizona’s Super Bowl hangover.  Kyle Orton showed that he can keep winning football games despite not displaying any discernible football skills.  The Rams are really going out of their way to prove that they are the worst team in the NFL.  Really guys, we believe you, you don’t have to convince us.  Fred Taylor proved that you can have 6,900 knee surgeries and still be a productive running back in the NFL.  Mark Sanchez continues to prove he is the greatest Mexican American QB who ever lived, and also continues to grow out a mustache just to frustrate all of the commentators who want to make a “Dirty Sanchez” joke on air, but will lose their job if they do.  One of these days, an announcer’s head is going to explode because of this.  Or they’ll just give in and be fired immediately.  Those are the only two options.  Keep it up Mark.

The Giants proved that my friend Dave and I totally overlooked Tampa as one of the worst teams in the league.  The Ravens continued to torture Cleveland fans who know that all these years of amazing defense and championship contention should be theirs, but instead their new franchise is in shambles while they continue to draft and sign terrible QBs with no end in sight.  Fun times in Cleveland.  Mo-Jo Drew played one man wrecking crew while Drew Brees took a breather and let his teammates carry him for a change.  I’m sure Phillip Rivers talked mad sh*t to the opposing team again after running in for a score, and really deserves a good kick in the nuts, hard.

That’s it for Sunday’s games.  Monday night we have a match-up between two teams who people thought were contenders in the last few years, and are setting their hearts on proving just how dumb any of those Super Bowl picks were for either team.  They also both feature QBs who people used to think were good, but are also out to prove just how wrong any of us were about that.  Good times.  But as the sign says, I won’t be watching or writing about it, because I’m a Jew and tomorrow is our day for being hungry and apologizing for stuff.  For serious.  Look it up if you don’t believe me.

• The Detroit Lions will be bad.  See?  I’m already 1 for 1, and the season hasn’t even started yet.
• Some team will come out of obscurity to prominence.  Since this is a total crap shoot, I’m going to go with the Texans.  It would be too easy to choose a team like Seattle or Jacksonville, since they were both awesome two years ago and just took a year off last year.  In fact, anyone who chooses them as “sleepers” is a pussy.  There.  I said it.
• Many idiots will pick the Eagles to win the NFC East or even the NFC Championship even though they’ve only won their division once in the last 4 years and have the exact same fucking team every year, with the addition of a couple young receivers and a psychotic backup QB.  Side prediction: Brian Westbrook will get injured this year and Donovan McNabb’s abilities to take his team all the way will be questioned by fans and the media.  Side note: that prediction I just made, which comes with a guarantee, is part of the reason that Philly will never win with this team.  Also, they can’t run up the gut.  Also, Andy Reed is the Walrus, koo koo kajoo.
• Eli Manning will continue to baffle everyone on the planet.  His face reads like he has no idea what’s going on.  He talks like an awkward pre-teen.  He throws for a low completion percentage.  Yet he wins and is considered a leader.  And those people aren’t wrong.  Sometimes I don’t get football.
• Kurt Warner will thank Jesus for something, and maybe even everything.  Just once, though, I want an athlete to blame God for their loss.  If he’s the reason why people win, then by deductive reasoning isn’t he punishing the losers?  And if so, can we start having sideline confessionals as to why the losing players feel that they are being punished?  Now THAT would be must see TV.
• Brett Favre will be forced to retire after this season with an inoperable case of old people smell.
• The Redskins will be ok at best despite spending tons of money in the off-season AGAIN.  Seriously, Daniel Snider doesn’t learn a thing.  Still trying to shove that one-more-expensive-free-agent peg through the championship hole.
• Green Bay fans will be disappointed when they wake up and realize that they are still fat.
• Philadelphia fans will disgrace their city by doing something atrocious.  Scratch that, Philadelphia fans will accurately portray their city by doing something atrocious.
• The Raiders will continue to provide more entertainment off the field than on it.  Unless you enjoy schadenfreude, in which case you will love watching the Raiders.
• Everyone on the planet will spend the first quarter of the season talking about the Wild Cat offense revolutionizing the game.  Then defenses will figure it out and it will be relegated to an occasional trick play.  That’s EXACTLY what happened last year with the spread offense.  The Pats used it to go undefeated in the regular season and everyone tried to copy them… Until the Wild Cat came out.  Then that was the new “revolutionary formation.”  It just proves that 90% of the population easily gets caught up in hype, and also has an extremely short memory.
• Both Ohio teams will suck balls.  And they deserve it, too.  Don’t give me that look, Ohio.  You know what you did.
• Vince Young will continue his mental breakdown.  It’s too early to say if this will be tragic, comic, or tragicomic.
• Several players will get arrested and suspended for a variety of offenses (I REALLY went out on a limb there).
• Travis Henry will get someone pregnant.
• Chad Ochocinco will do something hilarious that will offend Joe Buck’s delicate sensibilities
• Phillip Rivers will continue to be an indefensible prick and that will somehow further endear him to his teammates.  You stay classy, San Diego.
• Drew Brees will finally get that birth mark removed from his face and will win the MVP, proving that voters were misinterpreting the phrase “the face of the franchise.”
• Mark Sanchez will indeed follow in the footsteps of “Broadway” Joe Namath, and by that I mean that he will appear on TV wearing pantyhose and fur coats.

Ok, now onto the serious predictions:

Division Winners: Giants, Vikings, Falcons, Cardinals, Patriots, Steelers, Colts, Chargers

Wild Cards: Bears, Panthers, Ravens, Texans

NFC Championship: Giants over Falcons.

AFC Championship: Steelers over Raven

Superbowl: Steelers over Giants

For those of you thinking to yourselves that picking the Steelers is the safe pick because they’re the defending champs, you’re an idiot.  It’s pretty rare to repeat in this league.  It’s only been done seven times in the history of the Superbowl.  Compare that to the three-peats that happen in baseball and basketball, but never in football, and you’ll realize that this isn’t a safe pick.  You know what?  I don’t have to defend my predictions to you.  If you don’t like them, you can go make you’re own damned predictions.  I’m done here.

When your teammates think that Sage Rosenfels is better than you, it's time to hang 'em the fuck up already.

Holy shit.  I revel in bad news about Brett Favre more than almost anyone on the planet, but I don’t think you have to hate the guy to appreciate this.  Here’s a quote from ESPN this morning:

“What two knowledgeable NFL people described earlier this week as an ‘issue’ in the Minnesota Vikings locker room was described Wednesday by a third informed person as a ’schism.’  The issue is quarterback Brett Favre, and the schism is the preference that certain Vikings players have for specific quarterbacks.  Sources with knowledge of the Vikings’ locker-room dynamics say some players believe Tavaris Jackson gives them the best chance to win, while other players believe Sage Rosenfels gives the team the best chance to win.”

Ok, I may be reading too much into this, but NOWHERE in that paragraph does it say that ANY player believes that Brett Favre gives them the best chance to win.  This just goes to prove my theory: Brett Favre is a fucking asshole who also happens to be bad at football.  The fact that I’m writing this from a coffee shop in downtown Minneapolis only makes this sweeter.  I should go take a walk down to Vikings camp and heckle the shit out of that guy.

"Boo hoo. I'm so sad to be leaving the Packers... So I can play for their rivals, even if I have to wait a full season in between."

Brett Favre has changed his mind for the 15th time, and has accepted a contract with the Vikings. “But wait,” you say, “I thought he had decided once and for all to stay retired and live in bumblefuck Mississippi.”  Well, dear reader, you clearly underestimated Brett Favre’s drive to compete, his need to feed his massive ego no matter what the cost, and his desire to kill his team with interceptions in key situations.

Now, most people say that I hate Brett Favre unfairly.  That’s true in the respect that, as a Bears fan, I truely hate the Packers.  And that guy usued to torture us in the 90s.  I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure we didn’t beat them for 3 straight years at one point.  I was also at the Monday Night Football game where we had him pinned on the one yard line, only to have him throw a quick slant to Robert Brooks that Brooks took to the house for the longest pass in NFL history.  The only thing redeeming about that game was the greatest catch in Bears history (note: it wasn’t made by a player).

But the real reason I hate Brett Favre is because everyone blows so much smoke up his ass.  Every Monday Night Football was dominated by John Madden basically sucking Favre’s dick on air.  “Oh, Brett Favre.  Look at how strong his arm is.  That throw can’t be made by other players, but Brett Favre can do it.  Look at how much fun he has.  Nobody has more fun than Brett Favre.  Nobody’s tougher than Brett Favre.  I heard that rainbows shoot out of his dick, and that he shits unicorns.  Oh, Brett…”

"Oh no! My team lost beacuse I threw a pick. Oh well, back to "gunslinging."

It’s infuriating.  In his last 4-5 years, he’s had one good season, which ended with him throwing a pick to end their playoff run.  And that would have been a fitting way for him to end his career, simply because it’s his most defining characteristic.  Brett Favre led the league in INTs last year with the Jets.  If you’re thinking, “Well he’s older and he broke down towards the end,” then you don’t know Brett Favre.  He’s the career leader in interceptions for a reason.  He’s led the league in picks 3 times, finished second 3 times, and was in the top ten every year of his career.  And the reason I say his pick to the Giants would have been a fitting end to his career, is that he is also the career leader in playoff picks, including a record 6 in one game.  Several of those picks, just like in ‘07, ended the Packers’ playoff run.  You guys can have your “gunslinger” flinging the ball around with reckless abandon, I’ll take a guy who takes care of the ball over that any day.  I don’t want a leader who goes all-in on every throw and gets burned just as much as he comes through.  It’s a huge rush to watch, but it’s still a guy taking stupid risks needlessly.

Tearfull Press Conference Number 1: I love pain killers! They make me feel great! Can't play without 'em! But, you know, you guys should pitty me and then completely forget about this in a few years."

Favre won 3 MVPs in a row and broke the record for consecutive games played, both impressive feats, until you remember that he did so while taking PEDs.  During his MVP years Favre was addicted to painkillers.  He admitted as much in a tearful press conference, something that would become common in later years with Favre.  Would he have been able to play through all of those injuries and through all that pain without those painkillers?  Of course not.  That’s just as much of a PED as anything else.  He never would have broken the consecutive games streak without them.  They were propping him up throughout it all.  I’m not saying that he would have been terrible without them, I’m just saying that he wouldn’t have that record, and his star would be significantly diminished without it.

I wouldn’t hate Favre nearly as much as I do if everyone else would just acknowledge these things.  But instead they completely ignore them and only focus on the “fun” that he has on the field and his records (but not the one for interceptions, and not the asterisk that should be on his consecutive games streak).  In the end, I would put Favre in the top 10 QBs of the modern era, but no higher.  Just off the top of my head, here’s the list:

1. Joe Montana
2. John Elway
3. Dan Marino
4. Tom Brady
5. Peyton Manning
6. Steve Young
7. Johnny Unitas
8. Brett Favre
9. Dan Fouts
10. Fran Tarkenton