"Congratulations, Derek, on getting back to the World Series after not being there for so long." "Thanks for that backhanded compliment Ken, and may I add: Go f#ck yourself."

The Yankees beat the Angels last night to advance to the World Series for the first time since 2003.  They also haven’t won since 2000.  Did you know that?  Because apparently they are supposed to win every year.  A whole 6 years since they’ve been there?  And we somehow survived?  8 years since they’ve won, and the world hasn’t ended yet?  Seriously, I’d like to thank Derek Jeter for his response to those questions being the first ones out of Ken Rosenthal’s mouth after they won.  “That’s great that you start with the negative,” said Jeter, not even trying to hide his annoyance that Rosenthal would sh*t all over a joyous moment like that.  I want to have my own reality show where I go around punching every sports commentator who repeats any kind of cliche talking point like that.  You know you’d watch it.  “The Yankees are supposed to win every year,” “the Cubs are cursed,” “the Red Sox used to be cursed,” “the Padres are a business front for a Vatican takeover of Southern California” (ok, i made that one up).  But I think I speak for everyone (fans, players, literally the entire planet other than clueless media companies and their employees) when I say that we’re sick of hearing this shit.  So I’m instead going to say what Ken Rosenthal should have said: Congratulations to the Yankees and their fans.  It’s going to be a great World Series.

“What’s the f#cking point?!  We’re gonna lose!  I know it, you know it, everybody knows it.  We should just quit, that’s what we should do.  We should just go home, and enjoy the off-season of beating off in public and eating bananas.  That’s right, I said it!  I touch myself in public!  I know it’s wrong, but I do it anyway because I’m a monkey and people think I don’t know better.  Well, lemme tell you something, sduhsafdpoj oiwjwaepoj owihefiubpi wepo pwo…”  The Rally Monkey then started throwing up on himself before being thrown out by the bouncer and passing out on the sidewalk.

The best mufuckin playa in the wurld is kickin back and watchin it fly.

So earlier today I said that I had been wrong in calling the Yanks/Angels series non-competitive.  Then the Yankees made the Angels toss their salads on live television.  CC versus Kazmir is supposed to be a good pitchers duel, which it was for the first few scoreless innings.  You would have thought that CC would be the one to tire first with his short rest, but he pitched a great game.  The Yanks started to tee off in the 4th, including another A-Rod homer.  A-Rod tied Lou Gherig and Ryan Howard with an RBI in 8 straight games (which is still an active streak by both A-Rod and Howard).  He also has the second most HR in a seven game series by a Yankee, one behind Bernie Williams 6 in 1996.

The game was slightly marred by two horrific calls by umpire Tim McLelland at third base.  I know that’s been a plague in these playoffs, but these really seemed like the most egregious calls I remember seeing in a playoff game.  Neither of them was even close.  And the second one defied any and all explanation, with Mike Napoli clearly tagging out two guys, neither of whom were touching third base.  I’m not sure what can be done about it.  Either way, the final score was a billion to one and the Yanks are one win from the World Series.

Howie Kendrick and Eric Aybar celebrate the win by practicing their levitation trick. After their next win, they'll saw Joe Saunders in half and make Reggie Willits disappear.

Yesterday I said that neither series in the baseball playoffs was competitive.  And though the Phillies won in dramatic fashion in a close game, I’m right about that one.  It’s 3-1 and the Phillies are sure to win the series with their superior rotation and lineup.  However, the Yankees/Angels series turned an interesting page.  The Yankees hit 4 solo home runs, and with the way the ball was jumping off their bats, you thought there was no way they could lose.  I was going to be right about that one too, with the Yanks cruising to the World Series.  But then the same thing started happening with the Angels, first with a Howie Kendrick solo shot, then a Vlad Guerrero two-run bomb to tie the game.  Eventually it was 4-4 heading into extras for the second game in a row.  Eventually, the Angels won in walk-off fashion when Jeff Mathis drove home Kendrick for the 5-4 win.

With consecutive games going into extra innings and ending with walk-off hits, resulting in a 2-1 Yankees lead in the series, I don’t think you can call this series anything but a close contest.  I thought the Yanks were going to win easily, and it looked that way yesterday through half the game.  But the Angels got back into it just like they did on Saturday.  Looks like this series is living up to everyone’s expectations after all.  My bad.  Stay tuned tonight for CC Sabathia vs. Scott Kasmir.  It should be a good one.

Even Torii Hunter, winner of 8 straight Gold Gloves, was guilty of sloppy fielding last night.

OMG, you guys.  Last night’s games were, like, totes lame, right?  Seriously though, one of those games was won on an error and a bases-loaded walk, while the other was won on three errors.  That’s shitty baseball.  I was super psyched to see Pedro pitch (and he didn’t disappoint), and to see the Yanks/Angels series get underway, since those are probably the two best teams in baseball.  But what did we get?  Something that reminded me of the 2006 World Series.

For those of you don’t remember, that was the year that the Cardinals beat the Tigers (seriously, they were there… look it up) when Detroit decided to have at least one error in every game.  A championship was decided on one team completely choking.  And not in a clutch moment or anything dramatic like that.  Just right from the get-go and constantly until the Cardinals had won the title.  Last night’s games were very reminiscent of that.  I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come, because then we’ll have the World Series teams decided by completely unwatchable baseball.  That was f#cking ugly.

This is Bud Selig's idea of a party.

For those of you that haven’t seen any of the playoff games, good for you.  I guarantee you were doing something better.  And for those of you, like me, who have watched them closely: I’m sorry.  Seriously.  These games have sucked.  My eyes want a refund.  Here’s my break down:

Rockies at Philly Game 1

BORING!  Normally I like a pitcher’s duel, but I usually like a 1-1 or 2-1 pitcher’s duel.  0-0 is just boring.  Nothing happens.  No big hits, no runs scored, nothing to get excited about.  And this game had that early on, but then the Phillies blew it open in one inning and the game was over.  So first nothing happened for a long time, and then it was pretty much a blowout. What a waste of time.  Cliff Lee did pitch a complete game and was one out away from a shutout.

Twins at Yankees

This game also sucked.  The Yankees pounded the Twins for runs early and often, while CC shut their offense down early and for good.  No fun, unless you’re a Yanks’ fan and wanted to see your team beat up on another team that was still tired from playing an extra innings game the night before just to squeak into the playoffs in the first place.  This game was a dry hump.

Cardinals at Dodgers Game 1

Finally!  A good game!  And I only had to wait til 11PM eastern time on a Wednesday to watch it!  But for serious, this game was fun to watch.  Both teams scored early, with Chris Carpenter giving up an uncharacteristic early homer to Matt Kemp, but they kept it close from there on.  The game was 2-1, then 3-1, then 3-2…  Eventually the Dodgers seemed like they had handled the Cardinals and there wasn’t much action late, no comeback from the Cards.  But at least this game grabbed my interest early and held it for most of the game.  Thanks guys.

Dodgers at Cardinals Game 2

Ha ha!  I love it when my team’s rivals sh*t the bed!  How does that feel Cardinals fans?  Does it hurt?  How do you feel about your shiny new toy, Matt Holliday, after he just shot his new team in the foot right when it matters most?  I want to drink your tears, St. Louis.  In case you couldn’t tell from my gloating, Matt Holliday had a costly error in the 9th inning to rob his team of a win.  I love schadenfreude.

Rockies at Philly Game 2

This game would have been boring at first if it weren’t for the fact that the team that lost the last game was taking revenge and trying to play spoiler to the home team.  Aaron Cook pitched brilliantly, shutting out the Phillies through the first 5 innings.  But then the Phillies made it interesting, pulling within 4-3 when the heart of their massive lineup started driving each other across the plate.  But in the end, this one went to the underdogs.  Now the series is tied heading into Denver.  Consider me excited.

Red Sox at Angels

Fahk, dude.  The fahking Red Sawks put up a stinkah!  This game was as pleasant as a wet fart.  It borrowed from the Rockies/Phillies game 1 blue print.  Nobody scored for a long time, then it was suddenly over.  The big guns definitely stepped up for the Angels, with John Lackey shutting out the Sox in 7+ innings of work and Torri Hunter hitting a three run homer.  On the other side, Boston didn’t even manage an extra base hit.  Way to show up, guys.  Again, just a sh*tty game, unless you’re an Angels fan.  So good for you, all three of you.

I know I’m a day or so late on this one, but I had to speak up.  Vladimir Guererro recently joined one of the most exclusive clubs in the long history of baseball.  By hitting his 400th homer, Vlad joined Babe Ruth, Lou Gherig, Ted Williams, Jimmy Foxx, and Stan Musial as the only men in baseball history with at least 400 homers and a lifetime .320 batting average or better.  That’s right.  A guy with only 1 MVP trophy just joined a group that includes only the most complete offensive players of all time.  How did that happen?  I’ll tell you how.  He got robbed by the steroid era and by playing in Montreal.

Guerrero had several years as an Expo hitting around .330 with 30+ homers, 30+ steals, 100+ runs, 100+ RBI, and arguably the most powerful outfield arm the game has ever known.  But was he winning MVP trophies?  No.  The players hitting 50 and 60 homers while ‘roided up were.  The players playing for winning teams in bigger cities were.  Meanwhile, those in the know were watching a guy who will literally swing at ANYTHING in or out of the strike zone, and swing hard enough to pull a muscle every time, yet never strike out.  Once he came to LA and started getting national attention, the masses saw what the rest of already knew.  He was the best.  But they saw him with bad knees, unable to steal bases like he used to.  And unable to play the outfield everyday to show off that otherworldly arm.

The best description of just how good Vlad is comes from one of his most respected opponents.  As an Angel playing against Boston, Vlad once crushed homer on a pitch high and outside from the great Pedro.  After the game Pedro’s only response was, “I was trying to walk him.”  Now THAT is a powerful thing.  A guy so dangerous at the plate that you can’t even limit the damage because no strategy works against him.  No pitch is too far up, or out, or in, or down that he can’t put it 400 feet into the seats.  Unless you intentionally walk him with a pitch-out, he is going to hit the ball, and hit it hard.  I’m sure Vlad will be in the Hall of Fame one day.  But I doubt people will really be able to appreciate the things that I used to see when he played in obscurity in the basement of the AL East for the Expos: Vladimir Guererro is the greatest five tool player I have ever seen, and maybe ever will.