“Who’s the REAL head coach of the Celtics? Oh, it’s this guy, no question!” Thanks for being honest, Doc. Glad he’s on my team now.

The Bulls just took a flashy step in their mating dance for this summer’s free agents by hiring the Celtics defensive guru Tom Thibodeau.

Widely considered the best defensive coach in the NBA, Thibodeau is sure to help lure in any free agent who understands the wisdom in the saying “defense wins championships.”  Truth is: Chicago was already the premier destination for players who want to win now, with a great defensive center patrolling the middle and a superstar point guard feeding them the ball.  Now they have a potentially great coach to guide them through the playoffs with the best defensive schemes in the league.  That said, here is a list of every major free agent from those we want to sign to those we should avoid like a girl with a visible herpes sore (along with the reason we should sign them in parentheses).  I am NOT including D-Wade since he is too close in playing style to Rose and doesn’t make any sense for our team, or Paul Pierce since he won’t leave the Celtics.

We can afford two of the following:

LeBron (Most talented player on the planet.  Needs to get his mom away from Delonte West.)

Dirk (Outside shooting and some inside scoring, solves both of our current issues though in reverse order.  7 foot tall Aryan with long hair, looks crazy intimidating.)

Amar’e (Inside scoring and some outside shooting, solves our biggest issue.  Wears Macho Man Randy Savage glasses during games.)

Bosh (Inside scoring and rebounding.  Makes hilarious videos.)

David Lee (Inside scoring and rebounding.  He is also white, so he will be a fan favorite that people will describe as scrappy and blue-collar.)

Boozer (Inside scoring and rebounding.  Once tricked a blind old man into believing he wanted to stay in Cleveland, then got the hell out of there.)

Manu (He’s just awesome.  Can score at will when needed, and does little things to help you win.  Downside: very old.  Upside: can slap a bat in the face in mid-air.)

Joe Johnson (Outside shooting, solves our 2nd biggest need.  Is part of the NBA clique they call “Our Family” along with LeBron, Wade, CP3, and Carmelo.  If they were the Rat Pack, Johnson would be Joey Bishop.  “Who?”  Exactly.)

Ray Allen (Outside shooting with a hint of old man smell.  But he’s Jesus Shuttlesworth, so he gets a pass.)

Rudy Gay (Drives to the rim and can shoot.  He’s athletic and not a huge pussy, which makes him an upgrade from Luol Deng.)

J.J. Reddick (I’m actually dead serious about this.  He’s a good outside shooter who we could bring off the bench, and we could probably sign one or two bench guys for cheap this year after landing a big free agent and putting ourselves in title contention.  Also, he started a rap group that will surely be both terrible and hilarious.)

Mike Miller (Another good shooter we could hopefully sign for cheap, but only if he grows his long hair back and agrees to flash his tits every game.  So hot.)

Guys we shouldn’t sign, but are listed just so we can laugh at them:

Yao (The modern day Bill Walton, Yao’s feet betray him every year.  Can’t wait for him to be waiving a towel on Boston’s bench in a few years.)

Michael Redd (Would provide outside shooting if he could avoid injuries or donuts.  He has fat rolls on the back of his head, which is hilarious.)

Sean May (We haven’t had anyone with tits on our team since Eddie Curry got shipped to NY.)

Eddie Curry (Would provide both boobs and hilarious headlines about owing money all over town and sexually harassing male chauffeurs.)

Ricky Davis (I don’t have to make a joke here.  He’s the joke.)

T-Mac (Remember when he was good?  Like, REALLY good?  Now he’s gonna be lucky to have a spot on someone’s bench.  It’s fun to laugh at people who fall far off their pedestals.)

Marquis Daniels (He owns a blinged-out necklace of his own head.  I’m gonna buy that necklace at his bankruptcy auction in a few years.)

Shaq (To paraphrase Animal House: Fat, slow, and old is no way to go through life, son.  He would be great for comedic purposes though.  Dude’s still funny.)

Nate Robinson (We don’t have any rowdy midgets on our team right now, and this guy is a Napolian Complex Hall of Famer.)

Chris Douglas-Roberts (Though he played at Memphis with Rose, he has three names, which is just obnoxious. What, you think you’re too good for only two names?  You’re not better than me, CDR.  You live in Jersey.  There.  I win.)

Trenton Hassel (We need to get back to the Jerry Krause mentality of picking up guys who are better than expected, even if it means passing up guys that are just better.  Just kidding.  That was how we ended up with a 15 win season.)

Bobby Simmons (A hometown guy, Bobby Simmons is single-handedly responsible for the downfall of DePaul basketball.  Nice job, Bobby.)

Eddie House (Because Chicago hasn’t had a sports figure who brought his kid to every game since angry Cubs fans chased Dusty Baker out of town with flaming torches.)

Allen Iverson (Instant street-cred.)

Leon Powe (He’s crazy jacked and once won an NBA Finals game single-handedly against the Lakers.  That’s not a joke, that actually happened.)

Bassy Telfair (Stephon Marbury’s younger, shittier cousin likes to bring guns on planes and used to hang out with Jay Z.  I’m guessing those calls go straight to voice mail these days.)

Kwame Brown (Ha ha, Wizards.  You ended up with this guy while we got Chandler and Curry!  Just kidding, the joke is on all of us.)

Rodney Stucky (This guy is off limits.  Joe Dumars knows that when you have a short point guard who doesn’t understand the game, you build your franchise around that guy.)

Luke Ridnour (The poor man’s Kirk Hinrich.  Seriously, Hirich makes more money than he does.)

Jerry Stackhouse (He looks like the Geico caveman.)

Antonio Davis (He’s retired, but I think we should bring him back just for the crazy antics of his bat-shit-insane wife who once attacked Obama’s campaign manager at a Bulls game, then threw hot coffee at a woman who she hit with her car.)

Jason Williams (Though I am not a fan of white chocolate, which isn’t even chocolate, I am a BIG fan of “White Chocolate” and his awesome rants.)

Kenyon Martin (Threatened to beat the crap out of his teammates for playing a prank in which they filled his car up with popcorn through the sunroof.  Calm down, dude.  That’s hilarious.)

Darko Milicic (Oh, shit!  Darko’s available?  We gotta nab him!  Here’s how good Darko is: “He’s going to own the game. Own the game. We’re going to have to build a new arena. The only thing that could destroy a kid like that is a woman.” – Will Robinson, Detroit Pistons.  “Darko reminds me of a young Wilt Chamberlain. Wilt used to do a little of everything, and I haven’t seen a big man with so much skill since Wilt.” – Will Robinson, Detroit Pistons.)

Adam Morrison (Any time you can add a guy who loses his composure in the last possession of a close game so badly that he starts crying in front of thousands of fans and millions of viewers, you gotta grab that guy.)

Larry Hughes (I miss having a guy on our team who admits openly that he doesn’t care about winning and just wants to have fun out there.  Stay classy, Larry.)

And that about wraps it up.  Why stop now?  Because believe it or not, I don’t have all fucking day to just sit around making fun of bad basketball players, that’s why.  I have serious things to do, like getting back to my job of being paid to watch baseball.  So that’s it, and if you don’t like it, write your own damn list.  I’m outta here.

It could happen. Seriously.

The Bulls season is over.  I could spend a lot of time recapping the ‘09-’10 season, but, truthfully, you’ve all seen the games and know what happened already.  And I’m not much for waxing nostalgic.  I’d rather focus on our bright future than our plucky past.  I’d rather gawk at our young playoff team and it’s piles of cash as we make rain on the most talent-rich free agency pool I’ve ever seen. There’s been lots of speculation as to who the Bulls should sign, from Dwyane Wade, to Chris Bosh, to Amar’e Stoudemire, to Joe Johnson, and others.  And while any of these players would be great additions, there seems to be a name missing from that list: LeBron James.  That’s right, the King.

All talk of LeBron’s free agency has centered around two possibilities: 1) he stays with Cleveland; and 2) he signs for a pile of cash with a shitty team in NY or NJ.  Now, I have a problem with that second one: if the reason he would leave Cleveland is that they can’t build a winner around him, why would he go to one of two completely dysfunctional teams for less money than the Cavs can offer him under the Larry Bird rule (meaning they can exceed the cap to retain their own player, whereas all free agents count against cap space)?  One reason would be the rumored clause in his Nike contract that includes a $100 million bonus for playing in one of the big 3 markets (NY, LA, and Chicago).  That’s right, Chicago.

The Heat can offer him more up front, he would get more to play in Chicago regardless.  Plus, the Heat’s priority is to keep Dwyane Wade, and if they do that they can’t afford James.  Wade has been hinting that he’s staying in Miami, including this quote from yesterday:

As Chicago learned the hard way last year, THIS IS HIS HOUSE! Also, check out the sweet mullet on that guy on the left. Way to stick it to the man, buddy.

“I’m looking forward to a good team to build, and being with some great players next year, and to continue to beef up our roster… I’ve said where my heart is, and I think any player that’s thinking about wanting to come to Miami, they know where my heart is. You just have to see things being done and accomplished.”

Sounds to me like he’s staying in Miami and just making sure that the Heat sign another top-tier free agent before he re-signs, which is pretty likely given the chance to play with Wade and contend.  In fact, many believe that Bosh has already decided to sign with them to move back to his home state of Florida.

So Miami is out.  Now, LeBron would still get that bonus clause money playing for the Knicks, who have more money than the Bulls as well, but he would be on a losing team.  But he’s not going to the Knicks.  Not even for $100 mil.  That team is only one season removed from Isiah’s attempted suicide and having to ban Starbury from the arena as a spectator despite still paying his salary as a player.  That team has only avoided Jail Blazer-like scrutiny because New York media members still want to like their team.  LeBrin could still go to New Jersey to be with his friend Jay Z, but the team isn’t set to move to Brooklyn until 2012 at the earliest, so he wouldn’t get the bonus clause money right away, and, again, he would be on a losing team when the chance to win a title is the only reason he would leave Cleveland. But he could win a title with the Bulls for sure.

After eliminating Chicago from the playoffs, LeBron said a few curious things.  One, he heaped praise on his division rivals Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah, someone who he’s had confrontations with this year, making trash-talking more likely than praise.  But what he said was:

“I know talent, and those are two talented guys. They’re going to be really good for this league for years to come… Derrick Rose is an awesome talent… He’s probably one of the best point guards that we have in our league. He’s a tremendous competitor. He played hard. With guys like Derrick you love guys like that. The sky’s the limit for him… He’s going to continue to get better. There’s no point guard in the league that has the type of athleticism that he has. The speed and quickness that he has. Chicago — they definitely have a good one.”

Aw, shucks, Lebron.  You’re gonna make Rose blush.  James then went on to praise the Bulls coach, Vinny Del Negro, and lobbied for him to keep his job, which is a very odd thing for an opponent to do unless he was considering going there himself.

“Vinny and that coaching staff had those guys ready… They have a group of young talent that loves to play the game of basketball and they play hard. There was not one point where they kind of laid down. I’m not trying to make a pitch for Vinny because I know what’s going on — ‘Is Vinny in or is Vinny out?’ That’s not my job, but this team that we played in this series played hard.”

I can’t remember an instance of an opponent and division rival sincerely lobby for the other team to keep their coach.  It genuinely seems curious to me.  What was Rose’s response to LeBron gushing about him, his teammates, and his coach?

“I am going to meet with them, the people in the front office, and just talk and see who we are going to get. But it is going to be fun. We can get any one of [the free agents]… We’ve just got to get the right one to fit the team. I’m going to have a say-so, but everything is going to be left up to the people in the front office … Chicago is a great place, a great team, a great organization, the fans are great, so why not come there?”

“Why not,” indeed.

Oh, shit!  Ahh… Derrick Rose.  Moving on: other than Miami’s weather and lack of income tax, Chicago is the best destination… Ok wait, one more, just for fun:

As I was saying, Chicago is the best destination for a free agent given New York’s level of media scrutiny and losing ways. Also, Miami can’t afford to sign both Wade and LeBron, so that’s out anyway.

Then there’s the sudden number change.  In February, LeBron filed for a number change, switching to his US Olympic team number 6.  He said he did it partially out of respect for Michael Jordan, the inspiration for his number 23, saying that he thinks that is should be retired league-wide.  Now, this could be exactly as he says, just a way to pay homage to Jordan while carving out his own niche, or it could be a way to raise the Cavs’ revenue through jersey sales and give them more flexibility to build around him, or it could be due to the fact that #23 is already retired in Chicago.

The only trouble with LeBron coming to Chicago, other than the city of Cleveland losing their collective minds and 90% 0f their city’s economy, is that the Bulls have Luol Deng.  But that’s not so much an obstacle as it is another opportunity to bring in a better player through a trade.  Deng is due $11.35 million next year, well more than he’s worth.  But he is young, and a capable secondary scorer and defender.  There’s no reason why we couldn’t swap him either for an equivalent player at shooting guard or power forward, or swap him for an expiring deal and go get someone else in 2011.  Or we could execute a sign-and-trade with Boston and swap Deng for Ray Allen, or with Utah for Carlos Boozer who is set to leave, or a straight swap for Monta Ellis so Golden State can make way for Stephen Curry.

And as long as we’ve come this far, there’s no reason we can’t also speculate on throwing in Kirk Hinrich’s contract into the mix to try to fill whichever position is still left open after our Deng swap.  That’s not even a leap considering how close we were last summer to swapping Hinrich in a three team deal that would have sent him to Portland and given us Boozer (but then the Blazers sign Andre Miller and it was off).  But realistically, given our cap space and trade assets, we could end up with a lineup that looks like this:

Center: Noah,  Power Forward: Boozer, Small Forward: LeBron, Shooting Guard: Ray Ray or Monta Ellis, Point Guard: Derrick Rose

Not bad, right?  Now, I’m not saying that’s how it will end up, I’m just saying it is an actual possibility.  We have a chance at signing LeBron.  We have a chance to trade one or two other assets for another top-tier player.

Yes, it’s a stretch.  But LeBron’s statements do seem a little leading. And the Bulls are definitely going to be a major contender for his services.  And we still have the ability to add other pieces around whoever we add, especially if we find a suitor for Hinrich (and Deng if we sign LeBron to his position).  Call me crazy, but it looks like Chicago is the only destination for LeBron other than Cleveland.  So basically it comes down to this: if the Cavs win this year, LeBron stays in Cleveland; if not then he’s a Bull.

Imagine this in red and black:

Ok, one more Rose dunk.

Suns Owner Robert Sarver demonstrating literally that he thinks this trade is a slam dunk.

The Suns pulled off a blockbuster trade today, acquiring Ben Wallace, Sasha Pavlovic, a 2009 draft pick, and $500,000; and only had to give up some old guy they call “Shack.”  The Suns believe that adding Wallace’s 2.9 points and 6.5 rebounds per game is what they need to push them over that championship hump.  Pavlovich will provide them with awkward cheering in a funny accent while he sits on the bench.

The Suns players could hardly control their excitement after pulling off the trade.  “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” guard Steve Nash was quoted as saying while tearing out his hair.  Forward Amare Stoudemire gave the move a thumbs up.  “I’ve been trying to convince management that I need to score more.  I’m thinking like, 50 to 60 shots a game.  Having teammates like Shawn Marion and Shaq just limited my ability to shoot the ball every time we have it.  Plus, Shaq tried to get me to play defense, and everyone knows I don’t do that.”  Grant Hill was also a fan of the trade.  “It will be nice having another injury riddled, washed up, former All-Star on the team.  Me and Ben Wallace will have a lot to talk about.  But wait, who is Sasha Pavlovic?”

Owner Robert Sarver was ecstatic.  “Yeah!  I got $500,000 straight cash homie!  Pop the crystal and call up some hoes, we’re partying tonight baby!”  When asked of the $5 million that he will save in the deal, Sarver replied “YEAH! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” while spraying champagne on his front office staff.

Steve Kerr to reporters: "I am a bad GM."

GM Steve Kerr tried to get perspective on the swap.  “I was a much better player than I am GM, and even then I was a career backup, so that’s saying something.  I mean, this team was REALLY good when I took over, and now we look terrible.  I probably cost Steve Nash his only remaining chances at a championship.  Yup, I guess it’s safe to say that I’m terrible at my job.”