Thanks to ChrisOleary.com, Fark.com, and VivaEl Birdos.com for some of these pics/gifs.

I'm pretty sure I know who just farted.

The Cardinals won the Matt Holliday sweepstakes, much to the chagrin of every other team in the tight NL Central.  They traded a good 3B prospect, an outfielder, and a pitcher for the former MVP candidate.  So what are the implications of this trade?  Find out after the jump.

First, my Cubbies are done for 2009.  Not only did we out-think ourselves in the off-season, but we got outmaneuvered during the season.  Now Mark DeRosa is a Cardinal (AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!), along with the best hitter on the trade market.  And we’re stuck with Milton Bradley as our albatross.  Way to go, Hendry.  The Cards can hoist their pennant right now if they want.  They already had the two best pitchers in the division in Carpenter and Wainwright, and now they have the two best hitters as well.  Their outfield looked ok before, and now it looks loaded with four genuine starters that will have to split time.  And now that DeRosa is healthy, their lineup as a whole looks great.  It will probably look like this:

1. Schumaker  2. Rasmus  3. Pujols  4. Holliday  5. Ludwick  6. DeRosa  7. Molina  8. Ryan/Lugo  9. pitcher; with Ankiel mixed in.

Secondly, the Cardinals just proved to Albert Pujols that they are committed to winning and that he should stay put when his contract is up.  I’m not sure this is the best move for that, or is even necessary though.  The Cards can, and have, won during his tenure (see 2006 World Series).  And the 3B prospect that they traded is pretty sick supposedly.  I’m not sure why he would want to force their hand to make a deal that only gives them a half season of Matt Holiday.  But that’s mitigated by two things: One, they genuinely have a shot at the World Series this season now, running away with the division and just topping the Phils in pitching while barely trailing them in hitting.  And two, if they somehow retain Holliday after this year, though there’s little chance of the Cardinals being able to pay him what he can get on the open market, they will contend for the next several years.

Thanks for making this trade happen, God. What? GM John Mozeliak made the trade? Oh. Well thanks anyway.

Tim Kurkjian, hiding a boner after watching Matt Wieters' debut.

commentator Tim Kukjian.  In a segment examining the hitting skills of Abert Pujols, Kurkjian appeared to ejaculate in his underwear.

“Look at that plate discipline,” Kurjian said.  “Nobody has a better understanding of the strike zone, or more patience at the plate waiting for something he can drive.  And when you have power like that, anything he gets a hold of has a chance of leaving the yard.  It’s very rare that someone can contend for both the batting title and the home run title, and he is that guy.  He’s such a special player, so special…oh, ah, ungh…”

Kurkjian then became very flush, contorted his face, and started convulsing slightly.  Once the convulsions stopped, he put his head down and looked very embarrassed.  Producers tried to cut away from the embarrassing scene, but had nothing prepared to cut away to.  Instead they panned to the rest of the Baseball Tonight crew, who looked on in disgust before scrambling to get to the next segment.  Just before going to commercial, the newest commentator on the broadcast, Hall of Famer Dave Winfield, was heard saying, “Get a hold of yourself man…”

After cleaning himself up, Kurkjian left the ESPN campus and went home to cut out the box scores from that days paper and save them in a scrap book, a daily ritual for the commentator.  He then went to his bedroom covered in posters of ballplayers, put on his Orioles jersey jammies (number 56 with the name “Kurkjian” across the back), said goodnight to his Starting Lineup figures from the 80s, and went to sleep with the ball game playing quietly on his radio so he could listen to his heroes as he drifted off for a nap.