Argentine coach Diego Maradona, seen here being a source of national pride? Embarrassment? A little of both?

A naked Diego Maradona.

Today, Argentina’s coach, known mostly as the second greatest soccer player of all time and a tremendous snorter of cocaine, said that if his team wins the World Cup he would celebrate by running naked through the streets of Buenos Aires.  I’m sure that, despite their passion for their national team, Argentinians are now on the fence as to whether or not winning it all would be a good thing.

Tiger Woods and the speech he read from.

Tiger Woods finally came out of hiding to address the public regarding his “sticking his dick in anything with tits and a pulse” problem.  As with any carefully orchestrated press conference, the wording is filled with vagueness and spin to try to turn something humiliating and scandalous into redemptive public sympathy.  So I will do you the favor of translating Tiger’s words from what he said to what he really meant.

What he said: “I want to say to each of you simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.”

What he meant: “I want to read things to you off of this piece of paper.  Things that my handlers wrote to make you like me again.”

Tiger looking sad.

What he said: “Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior.”

What he meant: “This process was started when she smashed me in the face with a golf club.”

What he said: “I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did.  I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position.”  What he meant: “Man!  I wish I hadn’t gotten caught!”

Tiger looking sad while reading his speech.

What he said: “For all that I have done, I am so sorry.”

What he meant: “For all the chicks I nailed that weren’t my wife, I am so sorry I was caught.”

What he said: “I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply.”

What he meant: “I’m Tiger Woods, bitch!”

What he said: “I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to.”

What he meant: “King Kong ain’t got shit on me!”

Tiger pledging allegience... to his wife that he cheated on SO many times.

What he said: “I felt that I had worked hard my entire life, and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me.”

What he meant: “I am a glutton who will stick his dick in any old pancake waitress that happens to walk by me.”

What he said: “It’s up to me to start living a life of integrity”

What he meant: “No more banging pancake waitresses in parking lots for this guy!”

What he said: “It’s hard to admit that I need help, but I do.”

What he meant: “Help rehabbing my image for sponsors and the public!  Am I right?  Huh?  High fives!”

What he said: “I owe it to those closest to me to become a better man…  Part of following this path, for me, is Buddhism.”

What he meant: “Go fuck yourself, Britt Hume.”

What he said: “I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.”

What he meant: “Please stop talking about all the times I cheated on my wife, including all the unbelievable skanks I cheated with, and all the outrageous details of those affairs, and instead start talking about me as the greatest golfer on Earth again.  That would be way better for me.”

Tiger leaves the bluest room in history.

Tiger slowdancing with his mommy.

Champagne snowball.

Rachael Uchitel runs the VIP sections of clubs in NY and Vegas. She has been involved with several celebrities, many of them married. She coud best be described as a "star-fucker." Nothing says class like fake tits, fake lips, and a fake tan. Nothing. Also, Uchitel has stated that she and Woods would have sex after taking the sleep-inducing drug Ambien.

Jaimee Grubbs, a cocktail waitress, first came to national attention as the other woman of a meat-head hairdresser (yes, that person actually exists) on a so-bad-it's-good reality show called "Tool Academy" in which tools try to stop being tools. Her guy didn't win (still a tool), and that's after he dumped her so he could be "faithful" to his "real" girlfriend.

Kalika Moquin does marketing for a club in Vegas. It has been reported that she didn't know who Tiger was even after hanging out with him for a whole night. When her friends told her that he was the most famous athlete on the planet, she decided to let him into her vagina on several occasions.

Jamie Jungers is a Las Vegas-based "model" who is a cocktail waitress on the side while she waits for her modeling career to really take off (never gonna happen). She had sex with Tiger for 18 months while she was engaged to a huge golfing fan. No word yet on if he was psyched to learn that he was sharing a vagina with his idol. Also, Jamie has chubby fingers.

Wow. Just wow. I'm not gonna spend my time insulting Mindy Lawton's looks. Instead, I'm just going to say that Tiger Woods stuck his dick in a chick who looks like this and who waitresses at a pancake house. Alegedly he gave her the peen in the back of his car while parked in a church parking lot, then drove her home to her trailer park. I'm not making that up. Apparently that's how it really went down. He then carried on the affair with her for a year. This is officially getting sad for EVERYONE involved.

Cori Rist is a 31 year old divorcee and mother to a 7 year old. She has een described by friends as a "Manhattan clubgoer." This is not an occupation. It means she spends a lot of time drinking and dancing. Definitely sounds like a good mother. Before that she was a "model" who barely worked and never made it in the industry. She has been known to spend her time in hotel rooms paid for by Tiger Woods.

There is a 7th mistress who will be revealed shortly.  She is a cocktail waitress (big surprise)  in Orlando and has already retained a lawyer to deal with the media onslaught, so you know it’s legit.  Porn-star Holly Sampson is going to be revealed soon as the 8th mistress in Tiger’s ho party (I’ll let you google her pictures on your own), with the 9th being rumored to be a television presenter in the UK, and the 10th rumored to be some cougar (though details have yet to emerge).  [UPDATE: Tiger was also sleeping with porn star Joslyn James.  Make that number 11 and counting]  On top of all of this, Tiger wasn’t using a condom with either Jaimee Grubbs or Mindy Lawton.  Way to be smart, buddy.  That was right up there with your brilliant ability to cover your tracks in all of this.  So what is the lesson here?  Tiger Woods will stick it in any old cum-dumpster that will have him, and is really half-assed about covering his trail.  Good work, Tiger.  Now he is offering hush money to all of his mistresses, AND his wife.  He has  offered to increase his prenup to $80 million if his wife agrees to stay with him for at least seven years.  Yeah, paying your wife to stay with you for a predetermined amount of time is really going to rehab your image with the public, TIger.  Oh, and who was he cheating on again?

Elin Nordegren is a Swedish bikini model. She met Tiger while she was working as a nanny for the children of fellow PGA golfer Jesper Parnevik. She has been married to Tiger Woods since 2004, after the two had been dating since 2001. She is an all-natural beauty. She is the mother of Tiger's two children: Sam Alexis and Charlie Axel.

We’ve also got #22 Nebraska attempting to spoil #3 Texas’ season in the Big 12 Championship game, which would be sweet revenge for the 1996 game when an unranked Texas team stunned #3 Nebraska 37-27.

And in a bit of scheduling serendipity, the Pac-10 and Big East are both hosting de facto championship games as #16 Oregon State and #7 Oregon play for a Rose Bowl berth (oh wait, this already happened) and #5 Cincinnati and #15 Pitt play for the Big East’s BCS spot.

The black sheep in all of this? The ACC, whose title game participants both shat the bed last week (Clemson losing to South Carolina, Georgia Tech losing to Georgia), setting up a less-than-compelling matchup between 10-2 and 8-4 teams. Snooze.

Nevertheless, I’m all atwitter about the weekend, so let’s get to some picks, shall we?

Last week: 12-6

Good calls: the Pac-10 (4-0), South Carolina over #15 Clemson (South Carolina win 34-17), Oklahoma over #11 Oklahoma State (OU win 27-0)

Bad calls: the SEC (1-3), Kentucky over Tennessee (Tennessee win 30-24), #20 Ole Miss over Mississippi State (Mississippi State win 41-27).

ACC Championship Game

#10 Georgia Tech (10-2) vs. Clemson (8-4) in Raymond James Stadium (Tampa, FL)

This is not a particularly interesting matchup. This has been a problem for the ACC lately. When the league hijacked Miami and Virginia Tech earlier this decade, they probably had designs on an annual Florida State vs. Miami/Virginia Tech supergame. Thus far, the ACC championship game has looked like so:

2005: #22 Florida State over #5 Virginia Tech 27-22 – a dream come true! Little did they realize this would be the only championship game appearance for Florida State so far.

2006: #16 Wake Forest over #22 Georgia Tech 9-6 – you read that correctly. 9 to 6. I remember watching that game and thinking they were setting football back a hundred years.

2007: #5 Virginia Tech over #12 Boston College 30-16 – this game had a glamour team (Virginia Tech) and a future star (Matt Ryan of BC). But let’s face it, Boston College is not the ideal participant if you’re looking for national interest.

2008: #25 Virginia Tech over #20 Boston College 30-12 – which is why ACC organizers couldn’t have been thrilled about seeing a rematch.

So the highest ranked team ever to play in this game has been #5 Virginia Tech (twice). This game will continue to sit on the backburner of the public consciousness until Miami or Florida State returns to prominence.

The pick: Georgia Tech 41, Clemson 13

SEC Championship Game

#1 Florida (12-0) vs. #2 Alabama (12-0) in the Georgia Dome (Atlanta, GA)

This is the game of the week. Hell, this is the game of the year. You don’t see #1 vs. #2 outside of the context of the national championship game very often, so this should be a good one. My first instinct is to pick Florida, since they’ve done nothing but win since the gun fired on that Ole Miss game last year. They’ve been #1 all season long. They’ve got Tebow. And sure, they lost one of their best defensive players because he drunkenly fell asleep at a green light, but still, they returned almost their entire championship-winning defense from last year anyway. So logic points toward the Gators.

Besides, Alabama has really been nothing but a solid, if not unspectacular team all year. And all of our recent national champions have had a certain “sexy” quality to them – be it Tebow or LSU’s defensive stars or Vince Young or Leinart/Bush…Alabama doesn’t really seem to have any of that. But like I said, they do have solid players. Mark Ingram. Terrence Cody. Rolando McClain. Javier Arenas. And oh yeah…Nick Saban. I think the most under-reported aspect of this game is the fact that two college football titans of coaching are going head-to-head in what could end up becoming the great rivalry of this generation. Meyer vs. Saban. Meyer won round one. I think Saban wins round two.

The pick: Alabama 24, Florida 23

Big 12 Championship Game

#3 Texas (12-0) vs. #22 Nebraska (9-3) in Cowboy Stadium (Arlington, TX)

I don’t think anyone in their right mind thinks Nebraska has a fighting chance here. Their offense has been putrid all season long. But you never can tell with these things. That’s the magic of college football. The one thing they can hang their hat on is their defense, which is led by a defensive-minded coach and a single transcendent player, Ndamukong “A Boy Named” Suh. So maybe if they can shut down the Texas run game (which is relatively non-existent anyway) and make UT one-dimensional…I mean, you never know.

Personally, I think the Longhorns have been overrated for the last two years, but you can’t argue with 12-0. Even if they have played a weaker schedule (49th, according to the Saragin ratings). It looks like UT is going to sneak their way into the national championship game. The game is being played in Arlington, so maybe you’ll see a fuller Nebraska section thanks to all the TCU fans driving in from nearby Fort Worth.

The pick: Texas 33, Nebraska 9