See?  She has him by the balls.  Get it?  Oh, man.  I kill me.  But really the jokes on me, because now I’m stuck with this asshole on my team.  That’s even less funny than funny than this post.  Get well soon, dick-breath, so I don’t have to regret picking you any more than I already do.

Jeremy Hawn is the cockiest person I know.  When we began discussing that we’d be facing one another in the first round of our fantasy football playoffs, he was immediately convinced that I didn’t have a chance.  I played it cool, complimented his players, and said that he might be wrong.  I guess that he forgot that I violated him the last time we played.

This time was no different.  I’m up by about 46 points and two of my players haven’t even played.  Mr. SanFrancisco, aka Charley, aka Chuck, aka Chuck Hustle was following our game closely since the winner of the game (me) faces him in the next round of the playoffs.  He described yesterdays game as “Super Duper Eye Rape”.  I couldn’t agree more.  Andre Johnson was a fantasy football coach’s wet dream.  He started the first play of the game with a 64 yard touchdown, and when it was all said and done he had earned me 42 points (that I didn’t even need).

According to Herm Edwards, “You play to win the game.”  On Sunday, Jeremy’s pathetic excuse for a fantasy football team did nothing of the sort.  As a matter of fact they did the exact opposite.  They got clowned by Tone and his…. friends.

[Editor's Note: this letter is a response to Mark Twan's continual trash talk after beating me in our fantasy football league this week.]

Twan,

Yes, you beat me in fantasy football.  It was my first loss since week three, after spending consecutive weeks tearing through an undefeated team and a one-loss team.  You ended my four game winning streak and are now one game ahead of me.  I guess I should just quit.  Hang on a second, I’m going to go cry now.

Ok, I’m back.  I don’t think it’s a reflection of my fantasy drafting skills that Steve Slaton has both won me four games and lost me four games.  He was a highly rated running back.  And I should get some sympathy from the guy who drafted LaDanian Tomlinson with his first pick (that was you), or anyone who has Matt Forte or Michael Turner.  Sometimes your first pick doesn’t work out (but at least mine has half the time, whereas yours hasn’t all the time).  Also, as you mentioned, I had four starters on their bye week.  Yes, I could have drafted other inferior players instead based on their bye weeks.  But instead I went with better players and decided to try to weather the storm for one week.  Speaking of one bad week, do you remember the time you dumped Miles Austin right before he ripped off a fantasy points orgasm against the Chiefs?  I do.  Good luck this week Twan, I’ll see you in the standings.

Jeremy

sober as can be

When you run a sports blog, one would assume that you know a thing or two about sports, and Jeremy Hawn is no exception to that assumption.  His knowledge of football is vast, his insight on players is bountiful, and his mustache is all too often the topic of conversation.  While most people are watching their weekly reality shows and sitcoms, Jeremy is sitting in his Manhattan apartment sipping mimosas and studying sports statistics.  While you are at work, Jeremy is drafting columns about gruesome sex acts, how he hates Brett Favre, and how he’d like to perform gruesome sex acts on Brett Favre (prediction).

Since Mr. Hawn’s life basically revolves around sports, writing about sports, and his facial hair you would think that he’d have an unbelievable fantasy football team that trounces opponents on a weekly basis.  That is not the case.  This past weekend, my fantasy football team, Tone and Friends, destroyed YouPlayToWinTheGame by almost 35 points.  The entire time I was utilizing the “Smack Talk” feature to belittle Jeremy and his poor excuse for a fantasy football team with no response.

Towards the end of Sunday’s football games, I started to get scared that maybe I said something that hurt Jeremy’s feelings.  Shortly thereafter I decided that was impossible since Jeremy’s ego cannot be harmed even if you use quotes from Wu Tang Clan’s Torture skit.  I then called Jeremy hoping to belittle him and cause some permanent ego damage.  My plan was foiled when he claimed to have his “entire team” on a bye week.  His bye week problem could have been prevented by not drafting players that have the same bye week, but he wouldn’t understand something so logical.

Once everything was said and done, I was confused.  I asked myself, “How could I really get to Jeremy?”  I decided that it would be best to attack him using the thing that he loves most, this website.  So here I am Jeremy!  I will now insult you using the eloquent words of Iron Mike Tyson in hopes of permanent ego hindrance.  “You can’t touch me, you not man enough.  I’ll eat your a$$hole alive b*tch….. Look at you scared now you h#, scared like a little white p%ssy, scared of the real man.  I’ll f#ck you til you love me.

First, the good news.  The Bears won their home opener today against the defending champion Steelers 17-14.  The game featured a mistake-free performance from our new QB, Jay Cutler, in which he bounced back from shitting the bed in his Bears debut against the hated Packers.  Cutler led the team on two 4th quarter drives, one that ended in a TD pass to tie it, and another to set up the game-winning field goal by Robbie Gould.  It was a great way to salvage the season for Bears fans like me who had assumed that our season was over after watching Cutler make the worst first impression of any athlete in my memory and having no cushion for the blow of losing Brian Urlacher, our team leader and best player, for the season after only one big hit.  We looked good today.  Cutler looked good today.  Our receivers looked good today.  Our D stepped up in Urlacher’s absence, including Alex Brown (I can go on an epic rant about why Alex Brown is my favorite player and why he should be making Pro-Bowls if you guys want, but I’ll leave it up to you since that can be it’s own article.  Also, I can give you a full story on why my brother’s favorite player is Adrian Peterson… the OTHER Adrian Peterson.)  Overall, it was an extremely entertaining game and a valuable and uplifting win for the Bears and their fans.

Now on to the bad news.  And it’s really bad.  So if you’re not a Cubs fan, or you don’t feel like laughing at the Cubs’ problems, I suggest you stop reading now.

This is the Wrigley home opener. Way to make a first impression, Milton. I mean that. You showed us exactly what to expect from that day forward.

Milton Bradley was sent home for the rest of the season by Cubs GM Jim Hendry after Bradley was quoted as saying,

“You understand why they haven’t won in 100 years here.  It’s just not a positive environment.  I need a stable, healthy, enjoyable environment… It’s just negativity.”

There’s so much I want to say about this, I don’t even know where to begin.  I’m going to have to do this in stages.  First things first, I have to break down that quote.  “It’s just not a positive environment.”  I’m sorry, but anyone who has ever followed the Cubs, been to Wrigley, heard the myriad songs written about our beloved team, or anyone who understands unconditional love despite all evidence to the contrary knows that he is just plain incorrect about this.  It’s not a subjective judgment.  He is wrong.  Cubs fans are as positive as they come in sports.  Ok, I can understand how Bradley thinks this from his perspective.  The fans boo him.  They’ve booed him since after his home debut, in which he argued balls and strikes with the home plate umpire and got ejected and suspended.  He then spent the rest of the year much like that at bat: playing terribly, blaming it on everyone but himself, and missing time for a variety of reasons that can all be chalked up to his fragile body and mental instability.  So he’s right from his perspective, Wrigley field and Cubs fans have not been kind to him.

The problem is, he feels no responsibility in this and thinks that it starts with the fans.  In reality, they were only reacting to a guy who was TERRIBLE when he played, missed a lot of time, was completely belligerent, and made comments befitting a paranoid schizophrenic all along the way.  As for the second part, “I need a stable, healthy, enjoyable environment,” I can’t believe that Bradley can say that and not realize that he’s really talking about his own mental state, and not the fans at Wrigley.  Milton Bradley needs a stable, healthy, enjoyable environment in his mind.  He is mentally unstable.  He is emotionally unstable.  He needs to create that stability, that health, and that happiness for himself.  This is a shockingly negative, disturbingly paranoid, dangerously angry man who lacks any control over his reactions.  No one can control his or her environment, but a person can control it’s effects on them and their interactions with it.  Bradley clearly doesn’t understand that he has the option of controlling himself in order to change his interactions in a given environment, or he just lacks any will to control himself.  In the end, I would say that it’s a good thing that he has to sit and stew on this, except that I don’t think that he can gain anything from it based on his lack of recognition for his need to change, let alone a desire to do so.  The one positive is that he is kept away from the rest of our team and away from the fans who are completely justified in hating him.  He is a person who spreads his vitriol everywhere he goes.  How can he not understand why negativity follows him?  Has he really never once in his life considered that he is the cause of it all?

The second part of this is the problem of Milton Bradley in general.  He is not even a full year into a three year, $30 million contract.  There is literally NO WAY he can possibly stay with our team.  He has alienated himself from the front office, the manager, his teammates (not ONE of which have I ever heard or read coming to his defense all year), the media, the MLB league offices, the umpires, and the fans.  Note: I could have just said everybody instead of listing them, but I really wanted you guys to understand that it really is EVERYONE that he has come in contact with in his time as a Cub (though I left the clubhouse attendants out of this because I’m not sure about them, but I would go all in on them thinking he’s an epic prick).  We have to trade him, but who will take him right now?  The only way I see out of this is a team trading for him as long as the Cubs pay 80%-90% of his remaining contract through its duration.  I mean, we’re talking about the worst person in baseball.  I mean that when I say it.  I don’t think he’d even be a big deal if he was productive, but he’s made himself completely untouchable with the combination of horrible play and constant deplorable behavior.

The other big problem here is GM Jim Hendry.  He’s the guy who signed Milton Bradley.  Let’s break down the events that led to that signing and the rest of the construction of the 2009 Cubs (or rather the destruction of the 2008 Cubs who owned the best record in the NL).  First, Lou Pinella asks him for more lefty bats after the way the Dodgers exploited our righty-heavy lineup in the 2008 playoffs.  So Hendry trades an All-Star quality utility man in Mark DeRosa, trades Jason Marquis (a pitcher who he wildly overpaid for two seasons prior) and refused to offer Kerry Wood a contract, telling him to go get paid while he could despite Wood being set for life financially and begging to remain a Cub for life so he could help us win and be with his family in his adopted home of Chicago.  Two of those three moves are indefensible (DeRo and Wood).  The other move, Marquis, was good simply because Hendry had overpaid for him in the first place.

Hendry made these moves to free up cap space for the power-hitting lefty bat in right field that he and Lou felt we needed.  This is also to point out that Jim Hendry thought he had solved this problem last year when he vastly overpaid for Kosuke Fukudome who turned out to not be a power hitter at all.  So Hendry had three options: Bradley, Raul Ibanez, and Bobby Abreu.  First, Hendry tried to low-ball Raul Ibanez, and the Phillies grabbed the 30+ home run hitter and All-Star for less than we eventually signed Bradley for.  The next step is the most curious.  I have never heard an account of Hendry offering a contract to Bobby Abreu.  Abreu was the best batter on the Yankees other than A-Rod during their tenure in NY together.  He is a five tool player, and his numbers only would have improved by moving from the AL East to the NL Central.  Age could not have been a factor, since Abreu is two years younger than Ibanez.  In the end, Abreu remained unsigned for an inexplicable amount of time and eventually signed for only one year and $5 million with the Angels, for whom he has had a phenomenal season.  So even though Hendry was presented by more consistent, accomplished, durable, emotionally stable, and somehow cheaper options, he instead decided to pay $30 million for Milton Bradley to play right field despite Bradley being a full-time DH for the last two years and being an obvious risk for injury, suspension, and clashes with teammates and management.

The only explanation for this is that Jim Hendry is not a smart man.  I’m not being mean or calling names.  I didn’t say he’s stupid.  He’s not.  He’s just proved himself to not be anything above average intelligence.  My argument for this, aside from his constantly overpaying for poorly evaluated players and his being ripped off by other GMs who are smarter than him (more on this later), is that he clearly tries really hard to understand the statistical analysis of baseball and fails.  He poorly projected Fukudome’s Japanese power stats to the MLB when every Japanese player to come to the States has had a drop in power from the bigger parks and different balls in the MLB.  He then tried to wrap his average mind around Bradley posting an on base percentage of over .400 for two consecutive seasons.  What Hendry did was he tried to “use SABRmetrics” to play “Moneyball.”  But it’s hard to do those things when you don’t understand what they are.  Bradley’s OBP means that he gets on base, but he only had 22 homers and 77 RBI last year.  Hendry wanted a power bat, and instead he got a guy who requires other guys to drive him in.  It should be noted that Bradley was most effective this year when hitting out of the 2 hole, getting on base in front of Derrek Lee.  In trying to play “Moneyball” by using advanced stats, Hendry failed to realize that the key principal in “Moneyball” is getting a lot of production for very little money.  How was he saving money by overpaying for a guy who didn’t fit our needs?  What was the point of trading away all of those players to pay for the most expensive and least statistically accomplished of his three options?  I don’t think Jim Hendry has explanations for these things, because I don’t think he gets where he went wrong, otherwise he would have been able to see what was wrong with his plan before he executed it.

As for the other evidence that Hendry isn’t smart, he was fleeced by the guy he replaced.  Hendry traded three of our best prospects of the last few years in Rich Hill, Ronny Cedeno, and Felix Pie for Aaron Heilman.  Aaron Heilman was a complete liability for our team.  By mid-season he was only being used mop up duty in huge losses.  Meanwhile, Cedeno is hitting and fielding well with the Pirates, Felix Pie has hit for the cycle with the Orioles, who also have a young starter in Rich Hill who could still be a front of the rotation pitcher if he stops walking people.  Baltimore GM Andy MacPhail clearly understands “Moneyball,” as he has fleeced other GMs for young and cheap talent like Adam Jones, and is building a winner through those trades and through his farm system.  Don’t be surprised when the Orioles are a good team two years from now.  This is a GM who won two World Series championships with the Twins.  He didn’t do well with the Cubs due to the constraints of their parent company and his poor adjustment to having money to spend for the first time in his career.

So, although we clearly made the right choice in switching from MacPhail to Hendry and have had three playoff runs to show for it, Jim Hendry is clearly not the answer either to the Cubs quest for a title, now on its 101st year.  Getting rid of him might be just as important as getting rid of Milton Bradley.  He overhauled a contender and turned us into a very expensive non-contender.  That combination leaves us few options for improvement in the near future.  The only option left is to overhaul the front office.  Thanks for the memories, Jim.  I mean that.  Yours was the most successful Cubs tenure of my lifetime by far.  But you are outclassed by your peers.  You have outlived your usefulness and have become a liability.  You gave us a good run, but it’s time to move on.

Vince Young: not a good QB, but a great guy.

Here’s a couple tearjerkers for you:  First a story about Vince Young picking up the slack and taking care of Steve McNair’s fatherless kids.  Apparently McNair’s youngest sons had a breakfast event through their school with all of the kid’s dads this morning.  McNair’s kids had to hear all week how excited the other kids were about their dad’s coming and knowing that their dad wouldn’t be there.  So who steps in?  Vince Young.  Young has known the family since he was a  kid and attended McNair’s football camps and considers himself a big brother to the McNair’s kids.  He picked them up, took them to the even, and spent th whole morning with them, and even brought jerseys that he signed for the other kids in the boys’ school.  Commence sobbing like you just watched Bambi’s mom get shot for the first time.

In other news, some Phillies fan caught a foul ball for the first time in his life.  He then handed it to his young daughter as a souvenir… who then proceeded to throw it right back onto the field.  Dad, not wanting her to feel like she did anything wrong, immediately hugged her for her cutsie little mistake.  The Philly fans cheered the gesture.  The organization also took note of the moment, getting them all custom jerseys and a signed ball by Jason Werth, who had hit the original foul ball.  Now the whole family is going on the Today show…  Alright, this story is bullshit!  I don’t believe it.  I refuse to believe that Philly fans didn’t boo this little girl.  I smell propaganda from a mile away.  This HAS to be some kind of stunt by the Philly tourism board after those three Phillies fans killed that other Phillies fan over a spilled drink.  Call me a skeptic, but I’m keeping my eye on this one.  Either way, a photo montage of the events below.

Look at this fucking dough boy. It looks like someone photoshopped his head onto the body of a 50 year old lunchlady named Dorris. Glad you're working hard to earn those millions, pal.

Dice K Matsuzaka made a triumphant return to the mound last night, going 6 1/3 innings without letting in a run.  He came back from an unusual injury that is best described as fat and belligerent.  You see, Dice K showed up to spring training out of shape, despite pitching brilliantly in the World Baseball Classic.  He then proceeded to get the shit beaten out of him in every single start from April to June, then go on the DL until now.  When people asked what was wrong with him, he said that he was fine and it was all the trainer’s fault and the pitching coach’s fault.  When other people were asked about the injury, they said that he showed up fat and not ready to work.  What a fucking asshole.

The reason I am upset about this is that I was expecting a big year from Dice K after his 18 wins and 2.90 ERA last year.  I drafted him on two of my fantasy teams, and pretty early in the draft at that.  What did he do to repay me for my faith in his ability to help his (and my) team win?  He decided that not only would he mail it in this year, he would shit in the envelope before mailing it in.  So given that, it’s nice to see him back to his old ways helping the Red Sox (and hopefully my fantasy team) down the stretch and into the playoffs.  But still: fuck you, Dice K, you lazy asshole.

Big ups to FailBlog.org

Yeah, THAT’LL solve your problems, Omar Minaya.  What’s he gonna do?  Keep all the other players from getting fat by hogging all the sunflower seeds for himself?  Didn’t the Mets organization read Twan’s piece on performance killing drugs?  I mean, I know that Doc Ellis threw a no-hitter on acid, but I still don’t think it’s a good idea to be stocking your bullpen full of drug users.  What’s that?  It’s just his name?  Oh.  Well, I stand by my statements regardless.

Getting the reigning AL Cy Young winner without giving up their best pitching prospect (Kyle Drabek) makes the Phils the big winners.  Some say that they should have gone all out to get Halladay instead, but any time you can add a legit ace to your staff without ruining your plans for the future you have to pull the trigger.  Lee has been fantastic since his rough go in the first few weeks of the season, and will only fare better pitching against the Mets, Marlins, Braves, and Nationals in the NL.  This trade makes the Phils the favorites to reach the World Series this year, and probably next year as well.

Victor Martinez is exactly what this team needed.  He’s a switch hitter with a monsterous bat, and he can play catcher, 1B, and DH.  Those factors give the Sawx amazing flexibility when it comes to his placement in the field and in the lineup.  They can boost their play behind the plate by replacing the fading Jason Veritek, put him in at 1Band slide Youkilis to 3B to spell the recovering Mike Lowell, or throw him at DH to give Papi a day off.  The Sox offense has been stagnant for the last month, with Jason Bay in a huge slump, so a big bat is just what the doctor ordered.  And, as if to justify the move, V-Mart went 5-6n o Sunday.

Just like the Red Sox, the Giants were hurting for offense.  Insert former batting champion and consistent .300 hitter Freddy Sanchez.  The fact that he comes at a typically offensively-starved position at 2B doesn’t hurt either.  After getting Freddy, the Giants acquired Ryan Garko to play 1B.  Garko isn’t a big name, or a big bat for that matter, but he’s definitely an upgrade for them.  Now their team has a decent lineup to go with their great rotation, and are set up to have a chance to hold off all the teams that are nipping at the heels of the Wild Card leaders.

Doubters beware: you’re going to look stupid in a few years.  Everyone is bemoaning the Pirates selling off their “star” players and questioning the returns they got for them.  But There are two things these people are overlooking.  1) Those “star” players were fucking losers.  Don’t believe me?  Just check their record.  You think a team that features Jason Bay, Nate McClouth, Xavier Nady, and Nyjer Morgan in the outfield with an infield that has Freddy Sanchez, the LaRoche brothers, Jack Wilson, and Ryan Doumit sounds pretty good right?  Well they were fucking terrible.  They might be good individually, but that team was pathetic.  And 2) they have some terrifyingly young talent.  Andrew McCutchen, Garret Jones, and Delwyn Young have already introduced themselves to the league, and they have Pedro Alvarez looming over the horizon.  Throw in the improvements that they’ve made to their rotation, and that is a team that can contend for the long term, regardless of whether or not the trade returns can contribute.  Mark my words: the Pirates became a better team by making these moves over the last two years.

I’m not sure why the Reds felt they needed to add a player.  Their rotation is in shambles, with Harang and Cueto imploding over the last two months, and with Volquez missing the rest of the year.  BUT, this is a good young team that should contend in the future.  Rolen is an upgrade over Encarnacion, both with the bat and the glove.  If they can solve a few issues (the aforementioned rotation, Bruce’s low AVG, Votto’s mental/emotional issues, and Arroyo’s inflated contract), they will have a chance to contend next year.  Sound like a lot?  It is considering the tough NL Central.  But at least they’re closer to fielding a winning team.

Getting Jarrod Washburn solidifies their rotation as the best in the division, and pretty much guarantees that they’ll win the AL Central.  Washburn has had a great season, including a 2.64 ERA, most likely due to adding a split-finger fastball.  Detoit was already the favorites to win their division, with a strong rotation and an offense that centers around Granderson leading off and Cabrera driving in the runs.  But their rotation had struggled of late, with rookie Rick Porcello going on to a month-long funk, so Washburn gives them a little insurance down the stretch.  But, this trade leads us to…

I’m not sure what the Mariners’ plans are for the rest of the season or for the future.  But here’s what they did and didn’t do: First they traded for Jack Wilson.  Then they traded away Washburn.  Then they traded for a reliever.  So, are they buyers or sellers?  Trading a top starter makes you a seller, right?  But adding small pieces makes it look like they’re tweaking a winner.   Here’s the answer: neither. They sold high on Washburn, they had too many OFs, and they brought in a good SS.  If Washburn continues to be this good, they’ll look like idiots.  Otherwise, they made good trades regardless of the circumstances.

The Twins grabbed Orlando Cabrera from the A’s.  Not sure how much this will do for them in the tough AL Central race, but at least he’s an offensive upgrade over Nick Punto.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Nick Punto.  The guy is probably the most entertaining defensive player to watch in baseball.  But he’s hitting just over the Mendoza line, which isn’t cool.  Total party foul, Punto.  And Cabrera is a Gold Glover himself, so they’re not downgrading defensively either.  I like this move, I just don’t think it will make a difference.  Also, and this has nothing to do with anything, but OC wants to kill Edgar Renteria.  True story.  Look it up.

The Dodgers got George Sherrill from the Orioles.  Good pitcher, good move.  But I’m not sure how much this will help the Dodgers.  Yes, they have overused their young bullpen arms, especially Troncoso and Broxton.  And Sherrill will definitely keep them from being overused in the second half.  But I wonder if it’s too late.  Broxton missed some time with a no- DL injury earlier this year, and that only increased the load on Troncoso, who is pretty close to having thrown a full season by the end of August.  Nothing against Sherrill, but even though the Dodgers added a good player, I don’t think it makes them significantly better.

The Cubs got John Grabow and Tom Gorzelanny from the Pirates.  They needed lefties in the bullpen, they got two lefties for the bullpen.  Just like the Dodgers, it addresses a need for a contending team that had already made a couple of big moves in the off-season.  And just like the Dodgers, it’s a good trade, but not a complexion changer.  you can tell when a team really believes in their team as is when all they do at the deadline is make one or two minor tweaks.  It’s a good sign for the North Siders that Hendry and Lou believe in the moves they made before the season started.

Good job, Marlins.  You added a spectacularly-mustachioed 1B in Nick Johnson, something I can appreciate as much as anyone.  Now what do you plan on doing with him?  Win the Wild Card?  I don’t think so.  Your team is still inferior to the Giants, Rockies, Cubs, and Cardinals.  It’s nice to see the Marlins actually add to their payroll for a change and go for it.  They probably just did this to see what it feels like.  They’ll go right back to their old ways after the season is over.  Either way, this might help them beat up on the terrible teams in their division, but it doesn’t make them better than the other contending teams.

The White Sox traded four pitching prospects for Jake Peavy, the same Jake Peavy that vetoed a trade to the White Sox earlier this year.  So what did they get out of this trade?  Well the simple answer is: an injured pitcher who has been shitty for two straight years anyway despite pitching in the best pitchers park in all of baseball and who might not pitch in your home run friendly park until next season anyway.  Now, I have always liked Kenny Williams.  He is one of the smartest and ballsiest GMs in baseball.  But this is a terrible gamble.  If it pays off, he’ll look like a genius.  But the chances of that are slim.

The Yankees added Jerry Hairston Jr.  Whatever.