Saturday, 6:45 EST – Wolves v. Aston Villa (ESPN 2): Yeah yeah, anything can happen in a local derby and all that jazz.  In reality, Villa should be brimming with piss and vinegar and bunch of other stuff after humbling Chelsea last weekend.  But Villa have a tendency to fuck things up royal.  Still, I’d expect a win here, over a Wolves side where I can barely name one player.

10 AM EST – Hull v. Portsmouth: I apologize if this post takes on an angrier tone than usual, but Under The Bridge is on the radio right now, which might be the worst song released in the 90’s, and should have been a portent to how incredibly awful the Chili Peppers would eventually become.  Anyway, relegation six-pointer here.  Portsmouth really haven’t been as bad as their results indicate, and Hull have probably been worse.  Altidore still won’t play, and our hopes for South Africa take another kick to the ribs.  Frantic, desperate, passionate, but not all that much fun to watch.  1-1 here.

10 Am EST – Birmingham v Sunderland (FSC): So though the manner of the defeat was especially appalling, the actual result of Pool losing at Sunderland wasn’t.  The Makems should have walked out of Old Trafford with all three points, and they’ll take more big scalps as the season goes on.  With Michael Turner at the back, they’re pretty solid, and a strikeforce of Bent and Jones causes everyone problems.  Connecting the two are the now-not-hilariously-fat Andy Reid, who’s been wonderful.   That said, this has all the makings of a trap game.  Big win last week, everyone lining up to suck you off, and coming up against just a horrific team that you take lightly.

10 AM EST – Spurs v. Stoke: Stoke manager Tony Pulis wears a stupid hat on the touchline.  Spurs win.  That is all.

10 AM EST – Burnley v. Wigan: I keep waiting for Wigan manager Roberto Martinez’s up-tempo, entertaining style of play to pay off, and it clearly just isn’t going to.   Especially at Burnley, where they’ve been a tough out.  A slog, with Burnley managing some scrappy goal that you could probably score.

12:30 PM EST – Chelsea v Blackburn (FSC): John Terry’s tantrum after Villa’s second last week was so funny I nearly punched myself in the balls.  This guy has all the maturity of a 6-year old, but because he’s English, white, and looks like he just rolled out of the pub, all the Brits love him.  Never mind the fact that his pace will get exposed at the World Cup – if not sooner – and England will crash out earlier than they should again.   Anyway, still enough to see of Blackburn here.  Chelsea won’t hit a huge rut until African Nations Cup time, when they’re front line will consist of Nico Anelka and a cast of thousand B-level French dudes.

Sunday, 9:30 EST – Bolton v. Everton: Game will probably be worse than the hangover.

11 Am ESt – Man City v. Fulham: Fulham coming off a European tie, and are usually just abysmal away from home.  Man City have been lights out there.  What is 3-0 going off at?

12:15 PM EST – West Ham v. Arsenal (FSC): Arsenal were pretty poor in midweek, so they’ll either be looking to turn it up a notch here or still have a malaise.  Either should be enough to outdo West Ham, who have some serious bad mojo going on.  It’s unfortunate, manager Gianfranco Zola seems a good dude, but we’ve been through this.

GAME OF THE WEEK:  Sunday, 9:55 AM EST – Liverpool v Man United (FSC): I hate these games so much.  If you’re a sports fan of any team, then you know what games against your biggest rival are like.  They’re not enjoyable in anyway.  I shake for two hours.  I just want it to be over the minute it starts.  Even victories aren’t all that joyous, just a sense of relief.  It’s like chewing glass (there’s the connection!).  Anyway, Liverpool could be without Fernando Torres and Steven Gerrard — though I bet Torres plays — and United without Rooney.  So this might not be all that entertaining to watch for the neutral.  Pool are all kinds of turgid without those two, and United haven’t been all that entertaining even with Rooney, though far more effective.  Something tells me 0-0 or 1-1, but the game means so much more to Pool I could see them sneaking it.  Or I could see them getting tallywhacked 4-1.  I hope it’s the former, will have the razors ready for the latter.

First, a couple thoughts on our beloved red-white-and-blue.  Actually, it’s not a couple thoughts, it’s a couple words.  We’re. F#cked.  Without Davies the US loses a pacey scoring threat — which they almost have next to none of — and Oguchi Onweyu was the only competent cog in a very leaky backline.  Though he’ll probably be healthy before the World Cup, he won’t get a game before it, so you’ll have a rusty, half fit centerback.  Good times.  That means the US will count on Carlos “Oh God Make It Stop” Bocanegra in the middle of defense, where he’s an abortion.  They’ll also need to get goals from Jozy Altidore — who can’t get a game at Hull.  Conor Casey may be lining up against the likes of Holland or Argentina or Spain.  Good luck with that.  Anyway, back to club football.

Saturday, 7:45 AM EST – Aston Villa v. Chelsea (ESPN 2): Games after international weeks always make supporters of big clubs urpy.  Whereas the entire Chelsea squad will have been flying in from around the globe on Thursday, more of Villa’s squad will have been kicking up their heels for two weeks at home.  To boot Villa are at home for this one, and the chances of Chelski dropping points becomes a bit higher.  And it’s footy in HD, so what’s to complain about there?

10 AM EST – Portsmouth v Spurs (Fox Sports Espanol): Harry Redknapp returns to the South Coast where he’s assuredly expected to settle up his bar tab that will wipe out half of the world’s economic decline.  While Spurs have had a great start to the season, Pompey have barely been able to pay their players.  They finally scratched a win last time out, and they’re never easy to play at Fratton Park.  Still, Spurs should walk out with three points.

10 AM EST – Arsenal v. Birmingham: Same problems that Chelsea will have in a squad that was all out on international duty, but two key differences.  Arsenal are at home, and Birmingham stink to high heaven.  Unless the Gunners do that “We’ll only shoot if we’re two and a half feet from goal and no farther, after completing 43 consecutive passes and only then” thing they do sometimes, expect four or five to hit the back of the net.

10 AM EST – Stoke v. West Ham: One awful team to watch that gets results, and one team fun to watch that gets awful results.  Hopefully, West Ham get out of these doldrums, it’s hard not to support manager Gianfranco Zola.  West Ham may be the only team ever affected when an entire country goes out of business, as Iceland did.

10 AM EST – Everton v. Wolves: There’s a hilarious comedian in LA named Howard Kremer, who goes by the moniker Dragon Boy Suede.  He has a bunch of parody rap songs, one of which is about a bitchy girlfriend entitled, “You won’t sass me like that when I can summon wolves”.  I always think of that when I see Wolverhampton.  Moving on…

10 AM EST – Sunderland v. Liverpool (FSC): Oh good god, at the Stadium of Light without Torres and Gerrard?  Looks like my weekend will get off to an awful start.  Unless you think a strike force of Kuyt and Babel will fire.  If you think that, I need to talk to your dealer.  And an already shaky Pool d gets a look at an angry and jilted Darren Bent and Kenwye Jones.  Duck.

10 AM EST – Manchester United v. Bolton (Setanta): Rooney won’t play, so United might be vulnerable.  Until Ryan Giggs decides it’s time to end it.  That’s generally how these go these days.

Sunday, 8 AM EST – Blackburn v. Burnley (Setanta): A proper derby (clash between to local teams for the uninitiated).  These two sets of fans really despise each other, and they’ve only had a chance to share a tussle in the league four times in like 25 years.  It’ll be boisterous.

11 AM EST -  Wigan v. Man City (FSC): After beating Chelsea, Wigan managed to biff one against Hull, which is akin to losing a game of chess to a kid with ADD, which is essentially what Phil Brown is.  Man City’s worth watching just because Craig Bellamy is in the form of his life, and he has kick-ass tattoos.

Monday, 3 PM EST – Fulham v. Hull (ESPN 2); ZZZZZZZZZ.

As is my wont, I’ll keep these on a drinking theme.

Game You Couldn’t Help But Slam 13 Beers During: Fair amount of candidates for this one, with the Kings blowing a four-goal lead last night but winning anyway, the Wild storming back from 3 down in the 3rd against the Mighty Mallards, Nikolai Khabibulin gifting the Flames two points.  But we have to go with Caps-Flyers last night, a 6-5 OT win for Philly.  Two of the most fascinating young players in the game, Ovie and professional bad-ass Mike Richards combined for five goals.  This was hair-on-fire stuff.  The Caps might be must-see TV this years, as they can fill the net with anybody but might get scored upon more than a drunken sorority girl who hates her father.  There’s going to be a lot of 4-3’s and 5-4’s in our nation’s capital.

A Free Beer For: Has to be Ovechkin.  Three points in every game this week.  Best player on the planet, and he plays the game like the weird kid in 3rd grade who kept trying to slide his hand up your ass-crack while gleefully screaming, “Credit Card!”.  Usually, that kid ends up wearing a helmet and just “goes away.”  Ovechkin still wears a helmet.

Making Excuses For Whiskey-Dick: This may be the only time I get to put them here this season, but it’s the Detroit Red Wings.  Forever blowing leads in two virtual home games in Sweden, and neither goalie looked impressive.  They’ll sort this out, they always do, but for now, we’re just going to enjoy it.  They’ll probably figure it out just in time to curb-stomp by beloved Hawks tomorrow night.

Meet Your Buddies At The Bar For: Pens-Flyers tomorrow night, Caps-Wings on Saturday night.

Right, this column will expand as we go, still finding my feet.  But that’s it for now…

-I hammer on Hull manager Phil Brown and call Jon Venegoor of Hesselink a Dutch donkey with a long name, and then Hull proceed to bash Wigan 2-0 with Jon scoring.  Whatever, he still sucks.  And I did that through US tinted eyes, and Altidore needs to be on the field and playing for the Red, White, and Blue to have any chance of doing anything in South Africa.  Same thing with Onweyu at Milan — though given their run of results, what exactly is Leonardo holding onto with that lineup?  Other than his hair-care products?

-I claimed Tottenham would hammer Bolton, and they barely scraped a 2-2 draw.  I keep forgetting that the Reebok Stadium is hard to play in, due to the home team’s miserable style and the empty seats cause a general malaise.

-I did get Arsenal right, at least.

-I thought Everton would roll, and they drew with Stoke.  I should get out of the prediction business, though I learned that years ago from days at the track, and I haven’t stopped yet.

I did get some right though:

-United indeed struggled against Sunderland, and barely deserved a draw.  Jones and Bent both got on the scoresheet, and when Rooney is looking exhausted, there are very few threats United have right now.  You can scream Berbatov until the cows come home, I ain’t listening.  Watch for him to score a hat trick at Anfield in a couple weeks now.

Obviously, we have to get to the clash of the weekend, Chelsea’s victory over Pool.  I don’t think it was as boring as some made out, but I’m emotionally involved, and being on the precipice of suicide for 90 minutes is never boring.  I’ve made my thoughts on Liverpool “winger” Dirk Kuyt very clear before.  However, having had time to calm down, I get what Rafa was trying to do.  With Riera and Kuyt, Chelsea’s width from the fullbacks was canceled out, making them awful narrow.  While Liverpool weren’t dominant, they were certainly more than just in it.  The problem with Riera and Kuyt, though, is in attack it’s akin to stabbing someone with a spork or having sex while wildly drunk.  With great effort and determination, you may in fact get something done, but it’s highly unlikely.  The entire league knows Riera will cut left to try and get in a mediocre-at-best cross, and Kuyt’s preferred method is to hope the opposing full-back passes out from nausea after watching him run in circles for an hour.  With Gerrard off-form, it was up to Torres to do it by himself, which won’t work on that defense.

As for Chelsea, they just keep finding a way, but I’m curious what happens at African Nations time.  They still need a Mascherano mistake to open the scoring, didn’t look likely without it.  However, once Joe Cole gets on the pitch, they’ll have more variance and creativity, which just might be what they need.

-Oh, and Carlos Tevez still sucks.

Central Division

Chicago Blackhawks: Ah, my beloved Men of Four Feathers.  The Hawks offseason at times resembled a flaming short-bus, from biffing the offer sheets to their restricted free agents (which could have made them all unrestricted), to the signing of the prize of the free agency class, Marian Hossa, to him being hurt and then having his contract investigated, to the firing of a GM to Patrick Kane’s “unpleasantness”, but it’s all over thank God.  Now that it’s about what’s on the ice, the Hawks are the chic pick to take this conference, and I agree with that.  They’re loaded up front when Hossa returns in November, a blue line that boasts the best young pairing in the league – Marlboro 72 in Keith and Seabrook – and has just about as much depth as anyone.  There are two questions about the Hawks:  The first is in net, where it remains to be seen if they haven’t made themselves Flyers West and Huet will have to prove they haven’t, and the second is are they deep enough down the middle.  Toews/Bolland does not match up to Datsyuk/Zetterberg, Crosby/Malkin, Thornton/Pavelski even.  Do they enough wingers to overcome?  We think they do, and we’re totally biased.

Columbus Blue Jackets: The BJ’s were able to bore…I’m sorry, boar their way into the playoffs last year on the back of rookie of the year Steve Mason, and they’ll look to squeeze the life out of the sport back to the postseason again.  They may score more this season if Derick Brassard, who was off to a fantastic rookie campaign before injuring himself in a fight, stays healthy, but we don’t have enough of a sample size to know.  The Jackets have a look of a team that’s going to be exactly what they were, but other teams may have caught up.

Detroit Red Wings: Ah, the Evil Empire.  Have they finally taken enough hits in the offseason?  With Hossa, Hudler, and Samuelsson all walking, they’ve lost 80 goals from last season, and they weren’t exactly defensively sharp.  They’re a year older, and with this being an Olympic year, the core of this team — Datsyuk, Zetterberg, Franzen, Lindstrom — will be playing 100+ games for the fifth straight season.  None of them don’t creak when they get out of bed in the morning, how much more can they take?  They look ripe for the picking, but we’ve said that before, and seeing as how the organization pumps everyone full of some sort of performance enhancer as soon as drafting them, expect rookies Darren Helm, Justin Abdelkader, and Ville Leino to become legends.  How, and Chris Osgood to campaign for the Hall of Fame some more.

Nashville Predators: Every year, when we can’t name more than three skaters on this team, we consign them to the basement.  But coach Barry Trotz — the first human ever to be cloned from a frog — has them in the thick of it until the end.  They’ll find a way to just barely miss out again.  Oh, and they’re fucking goal song of Billy Ray Cyrus’s “I Like It, I Love It” will drive every hockey fan up a wall.

St. Louis Blues: Last year’s feel good story, the Blues put on a rush at the end of the season as if they were told there’d be free beer to make the playoffs out of nowhere.  The Blues lost, approximately, 1,678 man games to injury last season, but return healthy.  They get back Erik Johnson, their former #1 pick d-man, who’ll have to go through all the growing pains he was supposed to go through last year, and aging vagina Paul Kariya — who’ll get hurt again anyway, but not so bad he can’t go cash his check.  But this team has a bevy of young, exciting players, and they should squeak in again.  Though last time a team tried Chris Mason as an unquestioned #1, he soiled himself somethin’ rotten.

Northwest Division

Calgary Flames: What happens when two Sutter brothers run a team?  Lots of jokes referencing the Bob Newhart Show, which no one gets.  Anyway, after getting bounced pretty easily in the first round by the Hawks, the Flames fired Stalin-impersonator Mike Keenan and replaced him with the GM’s brother.  The Flames tried to score with teams last year, and that didn’t take, so now they’re going to try and shut them out.  They brought in prized-defenseman Jay Bouwmeester, who does what Dion Phaneuf was supposed to do.  Other than Iginla, where this team is going to score is just beyond me.  One day, Iggy is going to get a top-echelon center playing with him again, and I hope it’s not too late for him to put up 60 goals, because he could do it.  Iggy is the best player in the league, and best guy, that no one knows about.  It’s been that way for far too long.

Colorado Avalanche: Rocky Mountain Rebuilding…Colorado!

Edmonton Oilers: The place where no one knows your name, because no one f#cking goes there.  Dany Heatley was the latest to turn down the chance, and now the Oilers have to make a team with the guys they tried to ship out.  Good times.  They’ve changed coach and GM, but the Oilers are what they are always.  Fast, young-ish, pretty soft, no defense, and very, very cold.  They signed Nikolai Khabibulin, 38 f*cking years old, to a four year deal, and will soon learn what the Hawks and Lightning did:  A locked-up Khabby is soon to be an injured and bad Khabby.  Welcome to it.

Minnesota Wild: Well, if Calgary goes all trap-y, at least the Wild are getting out of the business.  God was this team awful to watch.  It was like watching the Cleveland Cavaliers offense without Lebron, lots of confused individuals fleeing back to the defensive end.  Now that Lemaire’s gone, they say they’ll open it up.  But they don’t have enough pieces to be successful at it yet, and I bet if they’re sniffing a playoff spot in February, they’ll go back to what they know.  Still, solid goalie here in Backstrom, they’ll be hard to beat most nights.  But at least they won’t make you stab yourself just to remind that you can actually feel.

Vancouver Canucks: Anything funnier than Roberto Luongo crying after giving up 7 in an elimination game?  Maybe that Monty Python fish-slapping sketch.  This team tried to skate with Chicago and got burned last season, and they’re equally set up to do so again.  Not only does Luongo have to prove himself in the playoffs — he folded like a flan last year — but so do bellweathers Ryan Kesler and Alex Burrows.  These two set the tone for the team all year, and then went all Jimmy Hoffa Now in the second round.  The Sedins will score, Luongo will stop regular season pucks, and they’ll be hard to play against up until May.  Betting beyond that is folly.

Pacific Division

Anaheim Ducks: People are sleeping on this team because of the loss of Pronger, but they shouldn’t.  They actually boast two lines know instead of just the unholy force that is Corey Perry-Ryan Getzlaf-Bobby Ryan, and if Ryan Whitney can realize his potential, the defenders could be impressive.  They have two good goalies, so there’s a big safety net here.  Will push San Jose all the way.  But this fanbase sucks, and an Anaheim Ducks game is one of the worst experiences in the world.  18,000 bandwagon jumpers who think they know everything because the team won a Cup once.  Perfect story:  When I lived out there and went to see my Hawks at The Pond, I sat next to a man in leather Ducks jacket.  He had four season tickets.  Two on each side of the arena.  So he could always sit on the end The Ducks were attacking.  There you go.

Dallas Stars: This is your NHL team….this is your NHL team that relies on a goalie who’s jumped the shark.  Marty Turco’s pretty much done, but the Stars don’t know that, and they’ll be bad again.  And Mike Ribeiro will still look like a rapist.

LA Kings: This year’s surprise team.  Lots of fun forwards, including Dustin Brown who plays the game as if he just saw someone f#cking his sister.  A young, solid defensive unit with a solid pick up in Rob Scuderi, and two young goaltenders who were real good last year.  This team is going to sneak into the playoffs, and the 19,000 hockey fans in Los Angeles will rejoice.  They’re cool people, you just have to find them.

Phoenix Coyotes: Real smart move bringing in coach Dave Tippet after The Great One jumped off this sinking ship.  They might actually be able to develop some of the young players they have in abundance.  But a low talent level + an empty arena + constant rumors about the team’s future means a a long year.

San Jose Sharks: It’s the Same Old Story, Same old song and dance, my friend.  This team will roll through the regular season, Dany Heatley will make a run at 70 goals playing with Thornton, who’ll crack 110 points.  They’ll finish atop the conference.  But this team has spit it with two coaches now, the rot runs deep.  Jumbo Joe will throw down the smoke bomb right after the regular season and disappear, Heatley will stop scoring, Nabokov will only be okay in net, it won’t be enough, and everyone will blame Patrick Marleau who’ll probably have skated his ass off all year.  Insanity is…..

Playoff Teams:

1. San Jose

2. Chicago

3.  Vancouver

4 Detroit

5.  Anaheim

6.  St. Louis

7.  Calgary

8. LA

Western Champion: Chicago.  Yeah, it’s a homer pick, but Huet isn’t as bad as people want to believe, and the rest of this team is just loaded, led by Jonathan Toews — who would bludgeon his own sister for a chance at a Cup.

Eastern Conference – Atlantic Division:

New Jersey Devils: I really wanted to write the Devils out of the playoffs, but I can’t, because they always find a way, and they have the goaltender with the most wins in history back there.  They’ll be boring again under Jacque Lemaire, and they’ll win just enough to get in.

New York Rangers: Gonna be a long season on Broadway.  When Vinny Prospal is your #1 center, you’re in trouble.  And when he gets to center Marian Gaborik for the only 25 games Gabby will be healthy, you’re f#cked, without any of the customary fun.  Throw in the fact that Henrik Lundqvist will be backstopping Sweden in the Olympics, and he ran out of gas last year pulling the Rags a$$ out of the fire, and MSG is going to have two non-playoff residents.

New York Islanders: If they reach an agreement to stay on Long Island, the season will be a success.  #1 pick John Tavares will be an interesting watch, though.

Philadelphia Flyers:  Over the summer, the Flyers picked up the one player who was screaming out to be a Flyer one day, and that’s Chris Pronger.  An elbow-throwing, skate-stomping, all-world pr*ck and a suspension waiting to happen just belongs in Orange and Black, and it’s finally happened.  This bolsters what was already an underrated blue line, and the Flyers are loaded at forward with Mike Richards, Simon Gagne, Jeff Carter, and stone b^tch Scott Hartnell.  But like death, taxes, and me being not sober, the Flyers have questions in net.  Ray Emery was such a headcase in Ottawa he got his punk-a$$ sent to Russia for a year, but the talent is there with his kid.  If being cold all the time and drinking vodka and eating a lot of borscht has straightened him out, then he might be the one to take the Flyers out of the East.  Says here he will.

Pittsburgh Penguins: Well, we know they’ll be on TV a f#ckload.  And we’ll hear lots of people — mostly from Eastern Pennsylvania — complain about biased treatment from the league towards the Pens, and we’ll hear Sidney Crosby complain a lot, about everything.  Regardless, this team still boasts two of the three  best players in the league, and that’s a problem for everybody.  They took a hit on the blueline, losing Rob Scuderi to LA, who was a grown-a$$ man in the playoffs last year.  However, I love the kid who’s coming into replace him, Alex Goliogoski.  He matures quickly enough, and this will basically be the same Pens team that hilariously beat Detroit (Scum) in Game 7.  Formidable, but you wonder how much the Olympics will take out of this squad.

Northeast Division

Boston Bruins: The only way the Bruins don’t waltz to this division crown is mass-outbreak of something, or the curse of Ted Kennedy, or Dan Shaunnesy cutting a poisonous fart in the dressing room, and we all know that his kill.  Boston had to unload headcase Phil Kessel because they couldn’t afford him, but those 36 goals from last season are inflated by playing with Marc Savard, the best passer this side of Joe Thornton.  The defense is still a collective Mastadon, with Chara and Wideman heading the list.  Tim Thomas only won a Vezina last year, and though he’s 35 and you wonder about flash-in-the-pan status and carrying the load of a Cup contender and Olympic starter — which he may be — the corps in front of him will keep his workload down.  Wheeler, Bergeron, and Krejci provide enough scoring behind the top line, this team is good.  Which means more bandwagon Boston fans for something.  But they like it when the bruins are good, because they don’t have to root for black people, anathema in Boston.

Buffalo Sabres:

How Lindy Ruff has a job still is anyone’s guess.  But then again, he’s almost never given anything to work with.  You know the drill with the Sabres:  They’re filled with small, quick, shifty forwards who get hurt in a stiff breeze and they’re all named Derek or Ales, have a bunch of defensemen you wouldn’t recognize if they raped you in the shower, and will count on Ryan Miller to carry them to an #8 seed.  He might be good enough to do it, and would have last year had he not got hurt.

Montreal Canadiens: What happens when an entire roster parties and f#cks it’s way into totally biffing the most famous organization in Canada’s 100th year anniversary?  You go out the door.  The Habs have turned over half the roster, bringing in smurfs Scott Gomez, Mike Cammalleri, Brian Giona, and others.  Who knows how it’s going to work.  But frankly, this blue line sucks, goalie Carey Price can only be counted on to bum all your cigarettes, and there’s the added pressure of playing in front of fake-French people.  They might score a lot, but they’ll give up a lot, too.

Ottawa Senators: Well, now that they’ve gotten rid of Person of The Year and Edmonton Chamber of Commerce Poster Boy Dany Heatley, you can expect the Sens to be pretty mediocre.  Whatever Heatley was, it’s 50 goals walking out the door, and unknowns in Jonathan Cheechoo and Milan Michalek coming back.  There was no forward depth here, the blue-line is shoddy, and there’s a pile of man-goo in net.  Should be fun in the capital.

Toronto Maple Leafs: Season hasn’t started yet and this team already annoys me.  Yes, the league would be better if Toronto mattered again, but not if I have to listen to the constant fellating of GM Brian Burke, perhaps the most overrated GM in the league (go look back and see who drafted all the Ducks who won the Cup, wasn’t Burke.  All he did was pick the carcass of Edmonton when Pronger demanded a trade).  The “Irishman” shows up in Toronto, uses a lot of big words to describe beating people up, and every Canadian gets a breeze between their legs.  Yes, they’ll be better.  Yes, they’ll be hard to play against.  But in a league that wants you to get up and down the ice and score, the Leafs have a lot of d-men who have no use for the adjective “mobile” and could get lit by better teams they can’t skate with, and can’t score with.  And I’ll laugh and laugh.

NASCAR Division

Atlanta Thrashers: No one cares there, so why should we?  Only storyline here is the Ilya Kovalchuk sweepstakes, who’s a free agent at the end of the year and there’s less chance of him staying in Atlanta than a Public Option.

Carolina Hurricanes: Buffalo Sabres south, but much much better.  Cam Ward should be the starting goalie for Canada, but won’t, because he plays for Carolina.

Florida Panthers: Underrated team here.  Lots of scoring, and a coach who loves to push the pace.  The blue line lost Jay Bouwmeester, but gained Jordan Leopold who isn’t awful, and a decent goalie in Vokoun.  Fun to watch, though no one in Florida is.  Next on the Jim Basillie hotine, could scrap for a playoff spot.

Tampa Bay Lightning: An overturned clown car, with about 13 d-men.  Move on.

Washington Capitals: They have the best player in the world, and you don’t.  Past him, Niklas Backstrom, and Alex Semin, you wonder about scoring depth, but they find a way.  Though they boast Mike Green, the best offensive d-man in the league, he and the rest of the crew back there don’t really know how to, y’know, defend.  Interesting goalie battle here between Varlamov and Jose Theodore, and whoever wins will see his share of rubber.  That said, they’ll eat up a lot of points in their division, have a two month stretch when they’ll look like Cup winners, and their blue line will spit it in Round 2 again.

Playoff Teams

1.  Bruins

2.  Capitals

3.  Flyers

4.  Pens

5.  Hurricanes

6.  New Jersey

7.  Montreal

8.  Florida

Eastern Champ: Flyers.  I think they get it right this time, and the fatigued Pens just won’t be able to catch up.  Too much scoring, better goaltending than you think, and even if Pronger doesn’t have the juice any more, the rest of the d-corps does.  Cheesesteak time.

Western Conference to follow….

]]> http://www.theotherfifteen.com/2009/09/piss-on-eddie-shore-your-nhl-preview-eastern-conference/feed/ 0 http://www.theotherfifteen.com/2009/09/prem-i-er-stomp-weekend-review/ http://www.theotherfifteen.com/2009/09/prem-i-er-stomp-weekend-review/#comments Tue, 29 Sep 2009 01:50:59 +0000 SamFels http://www.theotherfifteen.com/?p=1562 Ah, another weekend of using English footy to cure the hangover.  Let’s whip around and see what happened:

-First off, Chelsea were an abortion in losing 3-1 to Wigan.  In this space I had said I thought that Chelsea would murder the Latics, due to Wigan’s style of attacking at all times.  Little did I know that Chelsea were played as if they were already at the post-game gang-bang and Wigan would be totally on song.  Now their keeper is suspended for next week’s huge clash against Liverpool, and a loss there would see them behind both United and Liverpool.

-Fernando Torres is the best striker on the planet, even more impressive when he looks like the kind of dude who wants to express his feelings all the time.

-I would love to be completely convinced that ManUre can’t rely on Ryan Giggs the whole season, but I think he got into Albert Pujols’s toiletries, so who knows what he’s capable of.

-Arsenal finally got a plus-goalkeeping performance from someone, so expect manager Arsene Wenger to revert back to playing Manuel Almunia immediately.  And then claim he did not see it.

And that’s about it.  We’ll debut “Piss On Eddie Shore”, my NHL column, tomorrow.

Saturday, 7:45 ET (ESPN 2)- Portsmouth v. Everton: For the second straight week, The Deuce gives us a game that if we actually woke up for, we’d have to really start to question our priorities.  Pompey are an overturned short bus at the moment, losing all 6 of their matches this season, and could be relegated by Thanksgiving.  Meanwhile, Everton have found themselves, and have corn-holed their last three opponents by a combined 11-0.  Granted, these were Blackburn, AEK Athens, and Hull which seems like picking on a 3rd grader, but still.  As long Saha stays healthy — which should be for about another five minutes — Everton will be a quality side.  They’ll roll this.

10 AM ET – Wigan v Chelsea: Interesting side, Wigan.  Though clearly a bottom half club, their manager Roberto Martinez wants to play an attractive, up-tempo style.  It’ll work against clubs on their level, but it’ll lead to them getting thrashed by bigger clubs who’ll look at the open space like Amy Winehouse looks a line.  Losing to Arsenal and United by a combined 9-0 pretty much proves that.  It’ll probably the same this weekend, when the Russian automatons pay a visit.  You can’t argue with anything’s Chelsea’s done, but they’re still a Didier Drogba injury (or trip to the African Nations Cup in January) from having serious questions to answer.  That said, they’ve improved little by little each game, and they’ll grab three points in front of the 15 people who don’t watch Rugby League in Wigan (if you’ve never seen Rugby League, imagine regular rugby, but for Sp.Ed.s).

10 Am ET – Blackburn v Aston Villa: While Blackburn manager Sam Allardyce, is out for this match, tearing a triceps while patting himself on the back, he might want to study his statement of how he’s turned this club around and they don’t need to worry about relegation.  At this point last year, under the guiding hand of the hot mess known as Paul Ince, Blackburn were actually better off.  And they haven’t played any of the big boys, other than Man City, yet.  As you can probably tell, I can’t fucking stand Fat Sam, and will be seriously hoping Martin O’Neil, an actual manager, stuffs his big mouth tomorrow morning.  Considering the size of it, though, you’d reduce several nations — possibly a continent — to starvation.  Villa are rounding back to form after a disastrous start, having won six on the spin.  Make it seven, for all of us.  Agbonlahor — by far the most fun name to say in the league — will get on score sheet again.

10 AM EST -  Stoke v ManUre (Setanta): You know how this one will go.  Stoke will sit back and park the bus and some buildings in front of their own net, then hope Rory Delap gets one throw in near the United box that somehow finds it’s way in the net.  Based on Rio Ferdinand’s and Ben Foster’s performance against City last week, it just might work.  No team fancies playing Stoke, it’s like a blind date and not at a bar.  That said, if Wayne Rooney still has a pulse, United probably find a way through.

10 AM ET – Spurs v. Burnley: After being smacked down by two of the big four, Spurs have learned a valuable lesson:  You must actually finish when presented with a chance.  We learn this every time we hit on a girl at the bar and miraculously connect with one.  They only come around so often, so to speak.  Had Crouch not hit the bar against United, and had Defoe finished his chance against Chelsea, they could have been two very different games.  But they didn’t, and proceeded to get tonked.  Luckily, Burnley are only interested in giving it a go against top-half teams at home, and should roll over like a roofie-victim at White Hart Lane.

10 AM ET – Liverpool v Hull (Fox Soccer Channel): Strange thoughts on this nervous night for my beloved Reds.  Five wins in a row in all competitions, but never looking all the convincing.  Especially with Jamie Carragher looking like he’s on Quaaludes in the defense.  Fortunately, Yossi Benayoun is in the form of his life on the other end of the pitch, and Fernando Torres is starting to fire.  And even more fortunately, perhaps the biggest moron on the planet manages the opponent tomorrow, Phil Brown.  As the old saying goes, “He couldn’t manage a piss-up in a brewery.”  The best result for us US-based Pool supporters?  A 4-1 win, with Jozy netting his first Premier League goal.

10 AM ET – Birmingham v Bolton: Who.  Cares.

12:30 PM ET – Fulham v Arsenal (Fox Soccer Channel): Tougher than it looks for the Gunners.  Fulham scalped United and Arsenal at The Cottage there last season, drew with Chelsea, and should have drawn with Pool until Benayoun intervened in the last kick.  Fulham haven’t been up to their standards of last season yet, and they are not a squad equipped to deal with a European campaign.  They also have no strikers, which is a problem in football.  Andy Johnson is a corpse.  Bobby Zamora has the delicate touch of a rapist.  Unless they grind out a 0-0 here, don’t expect a point.  And doing that against Arsenal is tricky.  Though their two big games this season have gone against them, they’ve still barfed up 11 goals in their last four games, and there’s no reason to think they won’t bang in a few here.  But then again, we all thought that last season.

Sunday, 11 AM EST (Fox Soccer Channel) – Sunderland v Wolves: Well, still better than NFL pregame shows, no?

Song For the Weekend:  “My Morning Song” by The Black Crowes

Yeah, ripping off Big Daddy Drew here, but we all are.  Anyway, you forget that before they turned into another annoying stoner jam band, the Crowes f#cking ruled.  And this song typifies way.  Yes, it’s a complete rip off of “Can’t You Hear Me Knocking” by The Stones, but that’s what they did best.  They were the guys in Georgia who listened to all the records we did, and the decided they would just do that.  Then came all the pot.  This is why I hate it when people want to legalize pot.  I’m hardly conservative, but it would just make all the stuff I like way more lame.  Now legalized cocaine….