Author Archives: Jeremy Hawn

Canada Didn’t Burn to the Ground Last Night

March 1, 2010 – 12:36 pm

Congratulations, Canada.  You won the hockey gold medal last night in an overtime shootout despite having BY FAR the most talented team in the tournament AND the home-crowd advantage (and even home ice for your goalie, Vancouver’s Roberto Luongo).  How did you ever overcome those odds to barely defeat the US team that was ranked [...]

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Tiger’s Speech: What He Said / What He Meant

February 22, 2010 – 11:48 am

Tiger Woods finally came out of hiding to address the public regarding his “sticking his dick in anything with tits and a pulse” problem.  As with any carefully orchestrated press conference, the wording is filled with vagueness and spin to try to turn something humiliating and scandalous into redemptive public sympathy.  So I will do [...]

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Not your average “guy getting hit in the nuts” video

February 17, 2010 – 8:42 am

Here it is, folks: the hardest kick to the nuts in the history of the world.  And the guy taking it agreed to it beforehand.  What an idiot.  What’s that?  He’s a trained professional who does this all the time?  Then he’s a bigger idiot.  His life is dedicated to repeatedly getting hit in the [...]

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How To make Out

February 12, 2010 – 1:26 pm

This video is based on an essay my friend Jaron Gressel wrote in 7th grade.  His teacher told them to write a “how to” guide.  He chose “How To Make Out” to broadcast to the girls in his class that he knew how it was done, just in case they were interested.  What a little [...]

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Why This Win Means So Much to New Orleans

February 8, 2010 – 10:59 am

Going into Sunday’s game, everyone had the subplot in the back of their minds about New Orleans recovery from the devastation of hurricane Katrina.  Only, for Louisiana natives that subplot was the main story.  While the rest of the country sits back and assumes that a sports team’s victory 5 years after a natural disaster [...]

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Sports Announcer Endorsed Products

February 3, 2010 – 1:01 pm

With the release of Tim McCarver’s groundbreaking debut album, Songs by Dead People for the Nostalgia of Old People, several of his contemporaries are jumping on the bandwagon to shamelessly cash in on their names while they can.  Here are a few products endorsed by sports announcers:

Posted in Baseball, Basketball, Football | Comments (0)

No One Wants to See That

January 27, 2010 – 9:28 am

Gregg Oden can now be added to the list of celebrities with naked pictures circulating on the interwebz.  Since neither I, nor anyone else, would willfully seek out and look at these pictures, one can only speculate as to how disgusting he looks in his birthday suit.  The one question I have is: Which is [...]

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Favre to Retire

January 25, 2010 – 11:43 am

Vikings quarterback Brett Favre called a press conference today to announce his (third) retirement from football.  Favre cried a lot and said that finishing his career on a game in which his 2 interceptions and 1 fumble ended his team’s chance at a title was a fitting way to call it quits.  Immediately after his [...]

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Derrick Rose Pwning the Suns

January 23, 2010 – 9:19 am

That’s our point guard.  He’s 6′3″ and he’s throwing down like he’s Shawn Kemp.  And he’s only 21.  There is no precedence, and no ceiling for this kid.  Notice at the end that he has to duck under the back board to avoid hitting his head after he gets bumped by Dragic.  Speaking of which, [...]

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Joe Dumars, Bring These Guys a Sandwich

January 18, 2010 – 2:44 pm

I was just watching the Knicks/Pistons game and I noticed what looked like a broom handle with a number 5 jersey playing for the Pistons.  Turns out it was rookie Austin Daye.  I didn’t think there would be a player who could out-skinny Tayshaun Prince, but Daye is looking to take his title.  Here’s a [...]

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