The Other Fifteen

The Bulls just took a flashy step in their mating dance for this summer’s free agents by hiring the Celtics defensive guru Tom Thibodeau.

Widely considered the best defensive coach in the NBA, Thibodeau is sure to help lure in any free agent who understands the wisdom in the saying “defense wins championships.”  Truth is: Chicago was already the premier destination for players who want to win now, with a great defensive center patrolling the middle and a superstar point guard feeding them the ball.  Now they have a potentially great coach to guide them through the playoffs with the best defensive schemes in the league.  That said, here is a list of every major free agent from those we want to sign to those we should avoid like a girl with a visible herpes sore (along with the reason we should sign them in parentheses).  I am NOT including D-Wade since he is too close in playing style to Rose and doesn’t make any sense for our team, or Paul Pierce since he won’t leave the Celtics.

We can afford two of the following:

LeBron (Most talented player on the planet.  Needs to get his mom away from Delonte West.)

Dirk (Outside shooting and some inside scoring, solves both of our current issues though in reverse order.  7 foot tall Aryan with long hair, looks crazy intimidating.)

Amar’e (Inside scoring and some outside shooting, solves our biggest issue.  Wears Macho Man Randy Savage glasses during games.)

Bosh (Inside scoring and rebounding.  Makes hilarious videos.)

David Lee (Inside scoring and rebounding.  He is also white, so he will be a fan favorite that people will describe as scrappy and blue-collar.)

Boozer (Inside scoring and rebounding.  Once tricked a blind old man into believing he wanted to stay in Cleveland, then got the hell out of there.)

Manu (He’s just awesome.  Can score at will when needed, and does little things to help you win.  Downside: very old.  Upside: can slap a bat in the face in mid-air.)

Joe Johnson (Outside shooting, solves our 2nd biggest need.  Is part of the NBA clique they call “Our Family” along with LeBron, Wade, CP3, and Carmelo.  If they were the Rat Pack, Johnson would be Joey Bishop.  “Who?”  Exactly.)

Ray Allen (Outside shooting with a hint of old man smell.  But he’s Jesus Shuttlesworth, so he gets a pass.)

Rudy Gay (Drives to the rim and can shoot.  He’s athletic and not a huge pussy, which makes him an upgrade from Luol Deng.)

J.J. Reddick (I’m actually dead serious about this.  He’s a good outside shooter who we could bring off the bench, and we could probably sign one or two bench guys for cheap this year after landing a big free agent and putting ourselves in title contention.  Also, he started a rap group that will surely be both terrible and hilarious.)

Mike Miller (Another good shooter we could hopefully sign for cheap, but only if he grows his long hair back and agrees to flash his tits every game.  So hot.)

Guys we shouldn’t sign, but are listed just so we can laugh at them:

Yao (The modern day Bill Walton, Yao’s feet betray him every year.  Can’t wait for him to be waiving a towel on Boston’s bench in a few years.)

Michael Redd (Would provide outside shooting if he could avoid injuries or donuts.  He has fat rolls on the back of his head, which is hilarious.)

Sean May (We haven’t had anyone with tits on our team since Eddie Curry got shipped to NY.)

Eddie Curry (Would provide both boobs and hilarious headlines about owing money all over town and sexually harassing male chauffeurs.)

Ricky Davis (I don’t have to make a joke here.  He’s the joke.)

T-Mac (Remember when he was good?  Like, REALLY good?  Now he’s gonna be lucky to have a spot on someone’s bench.  It’s fun to laugh at people who fall far off their pedestals.)

Marquis Daniels (He owns a blinged-out necklace of his own head.  I’m gonna buy that necklace at his bankruptcy auction in a few years.)

Shaq (To paraphrase Animal House: Fat, slow, and old is no way to go through life, son.  He would be great for comedic purposes though.  Dude’s still funny.)

Nate Robinson (We don’t have any rowdy midgets on our team right now, and this guy is a Napolian Complex Hall of Famer.)

Chris Douglas-Roberts (Though he played at Memphis with Rose, he has three names, which is just obnoxious. What, you think you’re too good for only two names?  You’re not better than me, CDR.  You live in Jersey.  There.  I win.)

Trenton Hassel (We need to get back to the Jerry Krause mentality of picking up guys who are better than expected, even if it means passing up guys that are just better.  Just kidding.  That was how we ended up with a 15 win season.)

Bobby Simmons (A hometown guy, Bobby Simmons is single-handedly responsible for the downfall of DePaul basketball.  Nice job, Bobby.)

Eddie House (Because Chicago hasn’t had a sports figure who brought his kid to every game since angry Cubs fans chased Dusty Baker out of town with flaming torches.)

Allen Iverson (Instant street-cred.)

Leon Powe (He’s crazy jacked and once won an NBA Finals game single-handedly against the Lakers.  That’s not a joke, that actually happened.)

Bassy Telfair (Stephon Marbury’s younger, shittier cousin likes to bring guns on planes and used to hang out with Jay Z.  I’m guessing those calls go straight to voice mail these days.)

Kwame Brown (Ha ha, Wizards.  You ended up with this guy while we got Chandler and Curry!  Just kidding, the joke is on all of us.)

Rodney Stucky (This guy is off limits.  Joe Dumars knows that when you have a short point guard who doesn’t understand the game, you build your franchise around that guy.)

Luke Ridnour (The poor man’s Kirk Hinrich.  Seriously, Hirich makes more money than he does.)

Jerry Stackhouse (He looks like the Geico caveman.)

Antonio Davis (He’s retired, but I think we should bring him back just for the crazy antics of his bat-shit-insane wife who once attacked Obama’s campaign manager at a Bulls game, then threw hot coffee at a woman who she hit with her car.)

Jason Williams (Though I am not a fan of white chocolate, which isn’t even chocolate, I am a BIG fan of “White Chocolate” and his awesome rants.)

Kenyon Martin (Threatened to beat the crap out of his teammates for playing a prank in which they filled his car up with popcorn through the sunroof.  Calm down, dude.  That’s hilarious.)

Darko Milicic (Oh, shit!  Darko’s available?  We gotta nab him!  Here’s how good Darko is: “He’s going to own the game. Own the game. We’re going to have to build a new arena. The only thing that could destroy a kid like that is a woman.” – Will Robinson, Detroit Pistons.  “Darko reminds me of a young Wilt Chamberlain. Wilt used to do a little of everything, and I haven’t seen a big man with so much skill since Wilt.” – Will Robinson, Detroit Pistons.)

Adam Morrison (Any time you can add a guy who loses his composure in the last possession of a close game so badly that he starts crying in front of thousands of fans and millions of viewers, you gotta grab that guy.)

Larry Hughes (I miss having a guy on our team who admits openly that he doesn’t care about winning and just wants to have fun out there.  Stay classy, Larry.)

And that about wraps it up.  Why stop now?  Because believe it or not, I don’t have all fucking day to just sit around making fun of bad basketball players, that’s why.  I have serious things to do, like getting back to my job of being paid to watch baseball.  So that’s it, and if you don’t like it, write your own damn list.  I’m outta here.