sober as can be
When you run a sports blog, one would assume that you know a thing or two about sports, and Jeremy Hawn is no exception to that assumption. His knowledge of football is vast, his insight on players is bountiful, and his mustache is all too often the topic of conversation. While most people are watching their weekly reality shows and sitcoms, Jeremy is sitting in his Manhattan apartment sipping mimosas and studying sports statistics. While you are at work, Jeremy is drafting columns about gruesome sex acts, how he hates Brett Favre, and how he’d like to perform gruesome sex acts on Brett Favre (prediction).
Since Mr. Hawn’s life basically revolves around sports, writing about sports, and his facial hair you would think that he’d have an unbelievable fantasy football team that trounces opponents on a weekly basis. That is not the case. This past weekend, my fantasy football team, Tone and Friends, destroyed YouPlayToWinTheGame by almost 35 points. The entire time I was utilizing the “Smack Talk” feature to belittle Jeremy and his poor excuse for a fantasy football team with no response.
Towards the end of Sunday’s football games, I started to get scared that maybe I said something that hurt Jeremy’s feelings. Shortly thereafter I decided that was impossible since Jeremy’s ego cannot be harmed even if you use quotes from Wu Tang Clan’s Torture skit. I then called Jeremy hoping to belittle him and cause some permanent ego damage. My plan was foiled when he claimed to have his “entire team” on a bye week. His bye week problem could have been prevented by not drafting players that have the same bye week, but he wouldn’t understand something so logical.
Once everything was said and done, I was confused. I asked myself, “How could I really get to Jeremy?” I decided that it would be best to attack him using the thing that he loves most, this website. So here I am Jeremy! I will now insult you using the eloquent words of Iron Mike Tyson in hopes of permanent ego hindrance. “You can’t touch me, you not man enough. I’ll eat your a$$hole alive b*tch….. Look at you scared now you h#, scared like a little white p%ssy, scared of the real man. I’ll f#ck you til you love me.
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As always, the most eloquent of musings at the hands of none other than Mark Twan.
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[...] Jeremy Hawn is the cockiest person I know. When we began discussing that we’d be facing one another in the first round of our fantasy football playoffs, he was immediately convinced that I didn’t have a chance. I played it cool, complimented his players, and said that he might be wrong. I guess that he forgot that I violated him the last time we played. [...]