It’s time for our weekly football column! This week’s games were fun to watch, but not for the football being played. Let’s dive in!
Eye Candy
Racist Team Name V Falcons
Any game involving The Unconscionably Racist Team from DC Whose Name I Refuse To Type is automatically eye rape. They’re terrible, they’re coach is a dead man walking, their owner is thin-skinned and employs unheard-of levels of censorship on his own paying customers, and they just lost their best player to a concussion. On the other side, Michael Turner finally played like a 1st round fantasy pick. Only took him 9 weeks, too. Eye Rape
Cardinals V Bears
As a Bears fan, my eyes should feel violated after a loss this bad, and should be in a room with police right now giving a detailed description of the Cardinal’s penis so that they can file charges. But our nose tackle Tommy Harris punched someone in the face four plays into the game. That has to be the first time that someone was actually hurt by a punch thrown in a football game, since most of the time said punches land on helmets and such. Nice sucker punch, Tommy, you dirty b*tch. Eye Candy
Ravens V Bengals
I refuse to be friends with anyone who dislikes Chad Ochocinco. First of all, he’s awesome at football, and provides WAY less diva drama than other receivers. Second of all, and maybe more importantly, he’s entertaining, engaging, and witty. He legally changed his name purely for comedic purposes. He has
Eye Rape
elaborate touchdown celebrations that he schemes up in the pre-season. His stunts are funny, clever, and are only offensive to the most uptight bleeding vagina that ever had their panties in a bunch. In yesterday’s game, Ochocinco pretended to bribe a ref with a George Washington to get the replay call in his favor. Bravo, sir. Bra-f#cking-vo. Eye Candy from the Dollar Store
Texans V Colts
Any game that ends in a missed field goal is automatically eye rape, whether it’s this game or Super Bowl XXV (congrats, Giants, you didn’t lose). That’s just the most deflating, anti-climactic way for a game to end. The winning team didn’t even win by any actions or decisions of their own, the losing team just lost by blowing a routine play. The only time a missed field goal ending was in any way acceptable was when the kicker was a guy named Ray Finkle. Eye Rape, Laces Out Edition
Sorry to burst your bubble, but real-life "cougars" don't look anything like this. Any woman who looks this good isn't "on the prowl." She already has a man, and he is hanging onto her for dear life. Real cougars look like this, and smell like desperation and hot-flash sweat.
Dolphins V Patriots
This game could also be called “Wildcat V Spread,” but that sounds too much like your buddy’s story about boning some cougar he met at a bar (after striking out with every 20-something female in sight). This one came down to the wire, with Brady and Moss providing the late-game drama. Eye Candy, Cougar Style
Buccaneers V Packers
The Packers lost to the last winless team in the NFL. That REALLY softens the blow from my Bears getting their dicks ripped off and handed to them by Kurt Warner. Delicious Eye Candy
Chiefs V Jaguars
This is about as ugly as it gets, folks: two poorly-coached teams whose players have given up and are just watching the clock tick down and the calendar pages flip by until the season comes to a merciful end. Well, except if you’re Larry Johnson, whose season, and perhapse career, has already come to an end. Who’s cakin’ now, patna? Eye Rape with a Side of Domestic Violence
Lions V Seahawks
The Seahawks had to rally from 17 points down IN THE FIRST QUARTER to beat the Lions. The Lions were the only team in the first quarter to score, then Seattle did all the scoring for the next three quarters (save a lonely Detroit field goal). Anyone who was subjected to this travesty should get their ticket money refunded, and the people who watched at home should just be given a consolation gift, like flowers or a desert tray (you know, like when someone dies). Eye Rape
Panthers V Saints
I shouldn’t be rewarding the Saints for having to come back against the Panthers, but this game had a nice back-and-forth to it. The Panthers came out early, then the Saints rallied, then the Panthers tied it up, then the Saints pulled away in the 4th. But again, this was an undefeated team against the Panthers and their QB Jake Del Boca Vista, so this one is an inbetweener. Eye Candy from a dish at your grandma’s house that went bad several decades ago.
Chargers V Giants
Finally, a game that can be rated as eye candy purely for the action that happened on the field. This game came down to the wire, and was decided by a touchdown with 21 seconds to go. Now the Giants have lost 4 straight, and it’s looking more and more like the Saints will cruise to the Super Bowl out of the NFC. Meanwhile, the Chargers had to cut wide receiver Chris Chambers after the game over concerns about his girlfriend stalking his wife. Eli Manning outplayed Phillip Rivers, who is a terrible human being, and LaDanian Tomlinson continued to get his number called despite the fact that his career is very obviously over. “The finest running back to ever wear an NFL uniform” my f#cking a$$. Eye Candy
Titans V 49ers
I’m kind of hogtied on this one. My friend Chuck Hustle sent me a text last night proclaiming this game to be eye rape, which, seeing as he’s from San Fran, is undeniable from his perspective. But we also watched a reborn Vince Young lead a terrible team to their second straight win after being winless through 6 games, which is pretty compelling television. However, this game also featured Alex Smith, who was supposed to be on a comeback tour of his own, but instead turned in a 3 interception/2 fumble/4 sack pants-shitting in his first home start in 2 years. So Chuck was right. Eye Rape
Cowboys V Eagles
Ok, we had one more game that can be called eye candy purely for the on field action. This game was close throughout, involved several highlight-reel-worthy catches by Eagles receivers, and came down to the wire when the Cowboys went up for good on a touchdown catch by America’s favorite “Little Engine that Could,” Miles Austin. Sweet Sweet Eye Candy
Steelers V Broncos
This game hasn’t kicked off yet, but I’m going to go with Eye Candy. This game features a hard-hitting shampoo spokesman versus a guy with a neck beard who has been described as “quiet” and “shy” (i.e. potential serial killer). I’m going with neck beard, out of fear of retribution from someone who looks like he might snap at any moment.
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