The Other Fifteen

First, a couple thoughts on our beloved red-white-and-blue.  Actually, it’s not a couple thoughts, it’s a couple words.  We’re. F#cked.  Without Davies the US loses a pacey scoring threat — which they almost have next to none of — and Oguchi Onweyu was the only competent cog in a very leaky backline.  Though he’ll probably be healthy before the World Cup, he won’t get a game before it, so you’ll have a rusty, half fit centerback.  Good times.  That means the US will count on Carlos “Oh God Make It Stop” Bocanegra in the middle of defense, where he’s an abortion.  They’ll also need to get goals from Jozy Altidore — who can’t get a game at Hull.  Conor Casey may be lining up against the likes of Holland or Argentina or Spain.  Good luck with that.  Anyway, back to club football.

Saturday, 7:45 AM EST – Aston Villa v. Chelsea (ESPN 2): Games after international weeks always make supporters of big clubs urpy.  Whereas the entire Chelsea squad will have been flying in from around the globe on Thursday, more of Villa’s squad will have been kicking up their heels for two weeks at home.  To boot Villa are at home for this one, and the chances of Chelski dropping points becomes a bit higher.  And it’s footy in HD, so what’s to complain about there?

10 AM EST – Portsmouth v Spurs (Fox Sports Espanol): Harry Redknapp returns to the South Coast where he’s assuredly expected to settle up his bar tab that will wipe out half of the world’s economic decline.  While Spurs have had a great start to the season, Pompey have barely been able to pay their players.  They finally scratched a win last time out, and they’re never easy to play at Fratton Park.  Still, Spurs should walk out with three points.

10 AM EST – Arsenal v. Birmingham: Same problems that Chelsea will have in a squad that was all out on international duty, but two key differences.  Arsenal are at home, and Birmingham stink to high heaven.  Unless the Gunners do that “We’ll only shoot if we’re two and a half feet from goal and no farther, after completing 43 consecutive passes and only then” thing they do sometimes, expect four or five to hit the back of the net.

10 AM EST – Stoke v. West Ham: One awful team to watch that gets results, and one team fun to watch that gets awful results.  Hopefully, West Ham get out of these doldrums, it’s hard not to support manager Gianfranco Zola.  West Ham may be the only team ever affected when an entire country goes out of business, as Iceland did.

10 AM EST – Everton v. Wolves: There’s a hilarious comedian in LA named Howard Kremer, who goes by the moniker Dragon Boy Suede.  He has a bunch of parody rap songs, one of which is about a bitchy girlfriend entitled, “You won’t sass me like that when I can summon wolves”.  I always think of that when I see Wolverhampton.  Moving on…

10 AM EST – Sunderland v. Liverpool (FSC): Oh good god, at the Stadium of Light without Torres and Gerrard?  Looks like my weekend will get off to an awful start.  Unless you think a strike force of Kuyt and Babel will fire.  If you think that, I need to talk to your dealer.  And an already shaky Pool d gets a look at an angry and jilted Darren Bent and Kenwye Jones.  Duck.

10 AM EST – Manchester United v. Bolton (Setanta): Rooney won’t play, so United might be vulnerable.  Until Ryan Giggs decides it’s time to end it.  That’s generally how these go these days.

Sunday, 8 AM EST – Blackburn v. Burnley (Setanta): A proper derby (clash between to local teams for the uninitiated).  These two sets of fans really despise each other, and they’ve only had a chance to share a tussle in the league four times in like 25 years.  It’ll be boisterous.

11 AM EST -  Wigan v. Man City (FSC): After beating Chelsea, Wigan managed to biff one against Hull, which is akin to losing a game of chess to a kid with ADD, which is essentially what Phil Brown is.  Man City’s worth watching just because Craig Bellamy is in the form of his life, and he has kick-ass tattoos.

Monday, 3 PM EST – Fulham v. Hull (ESPN 2); ZZZZZZZZZ.