Happy Tuesday, and welcome to our weekly NFL wrap-up. We’re ranking games that you couldn’t turn away from and games that you couldn’t pay me to watch. There is no in-between. Let’s get started.
Eye candy
Jets/Dolphins
Wildcat wildcat wildcat wildcat wildcat. I thought this was going to be a trend in football that died out quickly, like the spread offense. I was wrong, at least when it comes to the team that invented it. And apparently Chad Henne is a genuine QB prospect, though the Fins also worked in Pat White in the 4th quarter. The Dolphins are now on their 85th and 86th QBs since Dan Marino. Serious Eye Candy
Browns/Bills
I would like to apologize to JaMarcus Russell for calling him the worst player in the NFL, because Derek Anderson just went 2 for 17 against the Bills. Good thing you took Brady Quinn out, Mangini. The final score was 2 field goals to one field goal. This game was ugly. Lindasy Lohan ugly. Eye Rape
Steelers/Lions
The Steelers are NOT repeating this year. In fact, they’re not even good. They beat the Lions by one score a week after my Bears doubled them in points and hung 48 on them. I doubt they’re even making the playoffs this year in their tough division. And the Lions were missing their starting QB. If Matt Millen were still running them, do
Eye rape
you think he would have drafted Crabtree, Heyward-Bey, Maclin, or Harvin over Stafford? That’s a rhetoric question. He definitely would have. Eye Rape
Cowboys/Chiefs
The Cowboys are terrible. They’re not a playoff team. The Chiefs almost beat them. The Chiefs lost to the Raiders. And the Cowboys needed a miracle play in OT to beat them. That said, Matt Cassel looks like he’s for real. Tony Romo looks horrible. As an aside, welcome to the NFL, Miles Austin. We’ll be seeing more of you I’m sure. Eye Candy
Vikings/Rams
One team is 5-0, the other is 0-5. So again, I have to ask: are the Rams the worst team in the NFL, or the least good team in the NFL? Also, will we have a second straight year with a team going 0-16? Maybe Steve Spagnuolo should have stayed with the Giants. Eye Rape
Giants/Raiders
I was actually at this game… for the first half. That’s how non-competitive this game was. Sadly, even though I left at halftime, Eli Manning left before then, as in: the backups were already playing before the end of the second quarter. At one point, the Giants had scored touchdowns on each of their first 4 possessions, and the Raiders didn’t have a single first down in any of their first four possessions. That’s how big the gap is between a contender and what should be considered the NFL’s first minor league team. Brutal Eye Rape
Buccaneers/Eagles
Another 0-5 team. I think the Eagles D took the day off. How else do you explain two TDs by Kellen Winslow, Jr.? Eye Rape
Outrageously Racist Team Name from DC that I Refuse to Type/Panthers
This game was close, but only because both teams suck my left nut (not the right one, I’m saving that one for marriage). Yes, it featured a huge comeback by the Panthers, but I would chalk that up more to DC’s incompetence than to anything that Jake Delhomme and company did. These teams will be fighting for draft slots in a month. Eye Rape
Bengals/Ravens
This was a great game. It featured a last second touchdown, an Ed Reed pick-6, and lots of Eightfive (I don’t speak Spanish). It also featured Ray Lewis taking Eightyfive’s helmet off on a viscious illegal hit, though Eightfive wasn’t hurt on the play and even got in Lewis’ face afterward. Definite Eye Candy
Falcons/49ers
Mike Singletary needs to drop trou again. His team played like the embarrassing 49ers of the last few years, not the inspired team we’ve seen so far this year. Given, Frank Gore was still out with an injury, but still… Their performance can best be exemplified by Dre Bly, who picked off Matt Ryan and thought he had an easy 80 yard return, so he started showboating as soon as he caught it. But instead, Roddy White caught up to him, quickly, and knocked the ball away from him before a fellow Falcon recovered it. Singletary sent Vernon Davis to the showers mid-game last year for half-assing it. I will be surprised and confused if Dre Bly is allowed to play next week. Vicious Eye Rape
Jaguars/Seahawks
Jack Del Rio is already fired. I’m just waiting for the official press release. The Seahawks are a terrible team. They have TWO good players on offense. That’s it. And they hung 41 points on the Jags. And Del Rio is supposed to be a defensive coach. Also, I genuinely don’t understand how you get shut out in an NFL game. Not even a field goal? Really? Seriously, Jags? Eye Rape with a Sharp Object
Texans/Cardinals
This was another game that featured a furious second half comeback, and it also featured a goal-line stand to end the game. The Texans came out from halftime and made up for their first half ineptitude by pulling within one touchdown. They just missed sending the game into overtime, but were stuffed on the one yard line by the Cardinals D. That’s got to be one of the most exciting ways to win for the home crowd. Major Eye Candy
Patriots/Broncos
It’s weird how Belichick’s protegees always beat him in their first meeting (aside from Romeo Crennel, who wasn’t really a coach and didn’t run a real team). I guess this means that Belichick will beat them in the playoffs like he did Mangini? This one featured another double-digit come back, and went into OT where it was one by a field goal to push the Broncos to 5-0. Tremendous Eye Candy
Colts/Titans
When Vince Young put out that statement this summer that he would take back the starting QB job and eventually win a Super Bowl, we all laughed. Well, I’m not laughing anymore and neither should you. He’ll definitely be a starter before the end of the year. And with Jeff Fisher’s ability to put together a winner, this season aside, he might have a shot at a title down the line (especially with the draft picks they’re going to get in the next two years). Also, Peyton Manning is good at quarterbacking. Eye Rape
And there you have it folks. It was a pretty even week as far as watchable/unwatchable games were concerned. And the watchable ones were pretty damn good. Plus, I was lucky enough to see in person the difference between an NFL team that will contend for a title this year and one that will contend for the first pick in the draft. They always talk about parity in this league, why does no onw ever point out the MASSIVE difference between the best and worst teams?
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