Look at this fucking dough boy. It looks like someone photoshopped his head onto the body of a 50 year old lunchlady named Dorris. Glad you're working hard to earn those millions, pal.
Dice K Matsuzaka made a triumphant return to the mound last night, going 6 1/3 innings without letting in a run. He came back from an unusual injury that is best described as fat and belligerent. You see, Dice K showed up to spring training out of shape, despite pitching brilliantly in the World Baseball Classic. He then proceeded to get the shit beaten out of him in every single start from April to June, then go on the DL until now. When people asked what was wrong with him, he said that he was fine and it was all the trainer’s fault and the pitching coach’s fault. When other people were asked about the injury, they said that he showed up fat and not ready to work. What a fucking asshole.
The reason I am upset about this is that I was expecting a big year from Dice K after his 18 wins and 2.90 ERA last year. I drafted him on two of my fantasy teams, and pretty early in the draft at that. What did he do to repay me for my faith in his ability to help his (and my) team win? He decided that not only would he mail it in this year, he would shit in the envelope before mailing it in. So given that, it’s nice to see him back to his old ways helping the Red Sox (and hopefully my fantasy team) down the stretch and into the playoffs. But still: fuck you, Dice K, you lazy asshole.
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