Welcome to Piss On Eddie Shore, which will be my weekly NHL column. I’ll try and do the best I can to let you know what’s going on, what will happen in the league you least care about. Today, with the season starting tomorrow, I thought it might be a good idea to preview the season ahead. Four teams kick off the season in Scandinavia, continuing the brilliant NHL strategy of marketing the game to other countries, when they can’t even market it to this one. In the words of Shakespeare, if it must be done, best it were done quickly…or something…look I tried, f^ck you.
Eastern Conference – Atlantic Division:
New Jersey Devils: I really wanted to write the Devils out of the playoffs, but I can’t, because they always find a way, and they have the goaltender with the most wins in history back there. They’ll be boring again under Jacque Lemaire, and they’ll win just enough to get in.
New York Rangers: Gonna be a long season on Broadway. When Vinny Prospal is your #1 center, you’re in trouble. And when he gets to center Marian Gaborik for the only 25 games Gabby will be healthy, you’re f#cked, without any of the customary fun. Throw in the fact that Henrik Lundqvist will be backstopping Sweden in the Olympics, and he ran out of gas last year pulling the Rags a$$ out of the fire, and MSG is going to have two non-playoff residents.
New York Islanders: If they reach an agreement to stay on Long Island, the season will be a success. #1 pick John Tavares will be an interesting watch, though.
Philadelphia Flyers: Over the summer, the Flyers picked up the one player who was screaming out to be a Flyer one day, and that’s Chris Pronger. An elbow-throwing, skate-stomping, all-world pr*ck and a suspension waiting to happen just belongs in Orange and Black, and it’s finally happened. This bolsters what was already an underrated blue line, and the Flyers are loaded at forward with Mike Richards, Simon Gagne, Jeff Carter, and stone b^tch Scott Hartnell. But like death, taxes, and me being not sober, the Flyers have questions in net. Ray Emery was such a headcase in Ottawa he got his punk-a$$ sent to Russia for a year, but the talent is there with his kid. If being cold all the time and drinking vodka and eating a lot of borscht has straightened him out, then he might be the one to take the Flyers out of the East. Says here he will.
Pittsburgh Penguins: Well, we know they’ll be on TV a f#ckload. And we’ll hear lots of people — mostly from Eastern Pennsylvania — complain about biased treatment from the league towards the Pens, and we’ll hear Sidney Crosby complain a lot, about everything. Regardless, this team still boasts two of the three best players in the league, and that’s a problem for everybody. They took a hit on the blueline, losing Rob Scuderi to LA, who was a grown-a$$ man in the playoffs last year. However, I love the kid who’s coming into replace him, Alex Goliogoski. He matures quickly enough, and this will basically be the same Pens team that hilariously beat Detroit (Scum) in Game 7. Formidable, but you wonder how much the Olympics will take out of this squad.
Northeast Division
Boston Bruins: The only way the Bruins don’t waltz to this division crown is mass-outbreak of something, or the curse of Ted Kennedy, or Dan Shaunnesy cutting a poisonous fart in the dressing room, and we all know that his kill. Boston had to unload headcase Phil Kessel because they couldn’t afford him, but those 36 goals from last season are inflated by playing with Marc Savard, the best passer this side of Joe Thornton. The defense is still a collective Mastadon, with Chara and Wideman heading the list. Tim Thomas only won a Vezina last year, and though he’s 35 and you wonder about flash-in-the-pan status and carrying the load of a Cup contender and Olympic starter — which he may be — the corps in front of him will keep his workload down. Wheeler, Bergeron, and Krejci provide enough scoring behind the top line, this team is good. Which means more bandwagon Boston fans for something. But they like it when the bruins are good, because they don’t have to root for black people, anathema in Boston.
Buffalo Sabres:
How Lindy Ruff has a job still is anyone’s guess. But then again, he’s almost never given anything to work with. You know the drill with the Sabres: They’re filled with small, quick, shifty forwards who get hurt in a stiff breeze and they’re all named Derek or Ales, have a bunch of defensemen you wouldn’t recognize if they raped you in the shower, and will count on Ryan Miller to carry them to an #8 seed. He might be good enough to do it, and would have last year had he not got hurt.
Montreal Canadiens: What happens when an entire roster parties and f#cks it’s way into totally biffing the most famous organization in Canada’s 100th year anniversary? You go out the door. The Habs have turned over half the roster, bringing in smurfs Scott Gomez, Mike Cammalleri, Brian Giona, and others. Who knows how it’s going to work. But frankly, this blue line sucks, goalie Carey Price can only be counted on to bum all your cigarettes, and there’s the added pressure of playing in front of fake-French people. They might score a lot, but they’ll give up a lot, too.
Ottawa Senators: Well, now that they’ve gotten rid of Person of The Year and Edmonton Chamber of Commerce Poster Boy Dany Heatley, you can expect the Sens to be pretty mediocre. Whatever Heatley was, it’s 50 goals walking out the door, and unknowns in Jonathan Cheechoo and Milan Michalek coming back. There was no forward depth here, the blue-line is shoddy, and there’s a pile of man-goo in net. Should be fun in the capital.
Toronto Maple Leafs: Season hasn’t started yet and this team already annoys me. Yes, the league would be better if Toronto mattered again, but not if I have to listen to the constant fellating of GM Brian Burke, perhaps the most overrated GM in the league (go look back and see who drafted all the Ducks who won the Cup, wasn’t Burke. All he did was pick the carcass of Edmonton when Pronger demanded a trade). The “Irishman” shows up in Toronto, uses a lot of big words to describe beating people up, and every Canadian gets a breeze between their legs. Yes, they’ll be better. Yes, they’ll be hard to play against. But in a league that wants you to get up and down the ice and score, the Leafs have a lot of d-men who have no use for the adjective “mobile” and could get lit by better teams they can’t skate with, and can’t score with. And I’ll laugh and laugh.
NASCAR Division
Atlanta Thrashers: No one cares there, so why should we? Only storyline here is the Ilya Kovalchuk sweepstakes, who’s a free agent at the end of the year and there’s less chance of him staying in Atlanta than a Public Option.
Carolina Hurricanes: Buffalo Sabres south, but much much better. Cam Ward should be the starting goalie for Canada, but won’t, because he plays for Carolina.
Florida Panthers: Underrated team here. Lots of scoring, and a coach who loves to push the pace. The blue line lost Jay Bouwmeester, but gained Jordan Leopold who isn’t awful, and a decent goalie in Vokoun. Fun to watch, though no one in Florida is. Next on the Jim Basillie hotine, could scrap for a playoff spot.
Tampa Bay Lightning: An overturned clown car, with about 13 d-men. Move on.
Washington Capitals: They have the best player in the world, and you don’t. Past him, Niklas Backstrom, and Alex Semin, you wonder about scoring depth, but they find a way. Though they boast Mike Green, the best offensive d-man in the league, he and the rest of the crew back there don’t really know how to, y’know, defend. Interesting goalie battle here between Varlamov and Jose Theodore, and whoever wins will see his share of rubber. That said, they’ll eat up a lot of points in their division, have a two month stretch when they’ll look like Cup winners, and their blue line will spit it in Round 2 again.
Playoff Teams
1. Bruins
2. Capitals
3. Flyers
4. Pens
5. Hurricanes
6. New Jersey
7. Montreal
8. Florida
Eastern Champ: Flyers. I think they get it right this time, and the fatigued Pens just won’t be able to catch up. Too much scoring, better goaltending than you think, and even if Pronger doesn’t have the juice any more, the rest of the d-corps does. Cheesesteak time.
Western Conference to follow….
Subscribe