The Other Fifteen

And now to Part 2 of our little jaunt around the Original 30.

Central Division

Chicago Blackhawks: Ah, my beloved Men of Four Feathers.  The Hawks offseason at times resembled a flaming short-bus, from biffing the offer sheets to their restricted free agents (which could have made them all unrestricted), to the signing of the prize of the free agency class, Marian Hossa, to him being hurt and then having his contract investigated, to the firing of a GM to Patrick Kane’s “unpleasantness”, but it’s all over thank God.  Now that it’s about what’s on the ice, the Hawks are the chic pick to take this conference, and I agree with that.  They’re loaded up front when Hossa returns in November, a blue line that boasts the best young pairing in the league – Marlboro 72 in Keith and Seabrook – and has just about as much depth as anyone.  There are two questions about the Hawks:  The first is in net, where it remains to be seen if they haven’t made themselves Flyers West and Huet will have to prove they haven’t, and the second is are they deep enough down the middle.  Toews/Bolland does not match up to Datsyuk/Zetterberg, Crosby/Malkin, Thornton/Pavelski even.  Do they enough wingers to overcome?  We think they do, and we’re totally biased.

Columbus Blue Jackets: The BJ’s were able to bore…I’m sorry, boar their way into the playoffs last year on the back of rookie of the year Steve Mason, and they’ll look to squeeze the life out of the sport back to the postseason again.  They may score more this season if Derick Brassard, who was off to a fantastic rookie campaign before injuring himself in a fight, stays healthy, but we don’t have enough of a sample size to know.  The Jackets have a look of a team that’s going to be exactly what they were, but other teams may have caught up.

Detroit Red Wings: Ah, the Evil Empire.  Have they finally taken enough hits in the offseason?  With Hossa, Hudler, and Samuelsson all walking, they’ve lost 80 goals from last season, and they weren’t exactly defensively sharp.  They’re a year older, and with this being an Olympic year, the core of this team — Datsyuk, Zetterberg, Franzen, Lindstrom — will be playing 100+ games for the fifth straight season.  None of them don’t creak when they get out of bed in the morning, how much more can they take?  They look ripe for the picking, but we’ve said that before, and seeing as how the organization pumps everyone full of some sort of performance enhancer as soon as drafting them, expect rookies Darren Helm, Justin Abdelkader, and Ville Leino to become legends.  How, and Chris Osgood to campaign for the Hall of Fame some more.

Nashville Predators: Every year, when we can’t name more than three skaters on this team, we consign them to the basement.  But coach Barry Trotz — the first human ever to be cloned from a frog — has them in the thick of it until the end.  They’ll find a way to just barely miss out again.  Oh, and they’re fucking goal song of Billy Ray Cyrus’s “I Like It, I Love It” will drive every hockey fan up a wall.

St. Louis Blues: Last year’s feel good story, the Blues put on a rush at the end of the season as if they were told there’d be free beer to make the playoffs out of nowhere.  The Blues lost, approximately, 1,678 man games to injury last season, but return healthy.  They get back Erik Johnson, their former #1 pick d-man, who’ll have to go through all the growing pains he was supposed to go through last year, and aging vagina Paul Kariya — who’ll get hurt again anyway, but not so bad he can’t go cash his check.  But this team has a bevy of young, exciting players, and they should squeak in again.  Though last time a team tried Chris Mason as an unquestioned #1, he soiled himself somethin’ rotten.

Northwest Division

Calgary Flames: What happens when two Sutter brothers run a team?  Lots of jokes referencing the Bob Newhart Show, which no one gets.  Anyway, after getting bounced pretty easily in the first round by the Hawks, the Flames fired Stalin-impersonator Mike Keenan and replaced him with the GM’s brother.  The Flames tried to score with teams last year, and that didn’t take, so now they’re going to try and shut them out.  They brought in prized-defenseman Jay Bouwmeester, who does what Dion Phaneuf was supposed to do.  Other than Iginla, where this team is going to score is just beyond me.  One day, Iggy is going to get a top-echelon center playing with him again, and I hope it’s not too late for him to put up 60 goals, because he could do it.  Iggy is the best player in the league, and best guy, that no one knows about.  It’s been that way for far too long.

Colorado Avalanche: Rocky Mountain Rebuilding…Colorado!

Edmonton Oilers: The place where no one knows your name, because no one f#cking goes there.  Dany Heatley was the latest to turn down the chance, and now the Oilers have to make a team with the guys they tried to ship out.  Good times.  They’ve changed coach and GM, but the Oilers are what they are always.  Fast, young-ish, pretty soft, no defense, and very, very cold.  They signed Nikolai Khabibulin, 38 f*cking years old, to a four year deal, and will soon learn what the Hawks and Lightning did:  A locked-up Khabby is soon to be an injured and bad Khabby.  Welcome to it.

Minnesota Wild: Well, if Calgary goes all trap-y, at least the Wild are getting out of the business.  God was this team awful to watch.  It was like watching the Cleveland Cavaliers offense without Lebron, lots of confused individuals fleeing back to the defensive end.  Now that Lemaire’s gone, they say they’ll open it up.  But they don’t have enough pieces to be successful at it yet, and I bet if they’re sniffing a playoff spot in February, they’ll go back to what they know.  Still, solid goalie here in Backstrom, they’ll be hard to beat most nights.  But at least they won’t make you stab yourself just to remind that you can actually feel.

Vancouver Canucks: Anything funnier than Roberto Luongo crying after giving up 7 in an elimination game?  Maybe that Monty Python fish-slapping sketch.  This team tried to skate with Chicago and got burned last season, and they’re equally set up to do so again.  Not only does Luongo have to prove himself in the playoffs — he folded like a flan last year — but so do bellweathers Ryan Kesler and Alex Burrows.  These two set the tone for the team all year, and then went all Jimmy Hoffa Now in the second round.  The Sedins will score, Luongo will stop regular season pucks, and they’ll be hard to play against up until May.  Betting beyond that is folly.

Pacific Division

Anaheim Ducks: People are sleeping on this team because of the loss of Pronger, but they shouldn’t.  They actually boast two lines know instead of just the unholy force that is Corey Perry-Ryan Getzlaf-Bobby Ryan, and if Ryan Whitney can realize his potential, the defenders could be impressive.  They have two good goalies, so there’s a big safety net here.  Will push San Jose all the way.  But this fanbase sucks, and an Anaheim Ducks game is one of the worst experiences in the world.  18,000 bandwagon jumpers who think they know everything because the team won a Cup once.  Perfect story:  When I lived out there and went to see my Hawks at The Pond, I sat next to a man in leather Ducks jacket.  He had four season tickets.  Two on each side of the arena.  So he could always sit on the end The Ducks were attacking.  There you go.

Dallas Stars: This is your NHL team….this is your NHL team that relies on a goalie who’s jumped the shark.  Marty Turco’s pretty much done, but the Stars don’t know that, and they’ll be bad again.  And Mike Ribeiro will still look like a rapist.

LA Kings: This year’s surprise team.  Lots of fun forwards, including Dustin Brown who plays the game as if he just saw someone f#cking his sister.  A young, solid defensive unit with a solid pick up in Rob Scuderi, and two young goaltenders who were real good last year.  This team is going to sneak into the playoffs, and the 19,000 hockey fans in Los Angeles will rejoice.  They’re cool people, you just have to find them.

Phoenix Coyotes: Real smart move bringing in coach Dave Tippet after The Great One jumped off this sinking ship.  They might actually be able to develop some of the young players they have in abundance.  But a low talent level + an empty arena + constant rumors about the team’s future means a a long year.

San Jose Sharks: It’s the Same Old Story, Same old song and dance, my friend.  This team will roll through the regular season, Dany Heatley will make a run at 70 goals playing with Thornton, who’ll crack 110 points.  They’ll finish atop the conference.  But this team has spit it with two coaches now, the rot runs deep.  Jumbo Joe will throw down the smoke bomb right after the regular season and disappear, Heatley will stop scoring, Nabokov will only be okay in net, it won’t be enough, and everyone will blame Patrick Marleau who’ll probably have skated his ass off all year.  Insanity is…..

Playoff Teams:

1. San Jose

2. Chicago

3.  Vancouver

4 Detroit

5.  Anaheim

6.  St. Louis

7.  Calgary

8. LA

Western Champion: Chicago.  Yeah, it’s a homer pick, but Huet isn’t as bad as people want to believe, and the rest of this team is just loaded, led by Jonathan Toews — who would bludgeon his own sister for a chance at a Cup.