The Other Fifteen

"Boo hoo. I'm so sad to be leaving the Packers... So I can play for their rivals, even if I have to wait a full season in between."

Brett Favre has changed his mind for the 15th time, and has accepted a contract with the Vikings. “But wait,” you say, “I thought he had decided once and for all to stay retired and live in bumblefuck Mississippi.”  Well, dear reader, you clearly underestimated Brett Favre’s drive to compete, his need to feed his massive ego no matter what the cost, and his desire to kill his team with interceptions in key situations.

Now, most people say that I hate Brett Favre unfairly.  That’s true in the respect that, as a Bears fan, I truely hate the Packers.  And that guy usued to torture us in the 90s.  I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure we didn’t beat them for 3 straight years at one point.  I was also at the Monday Night Football game where we had him pinned on the one yard line, only to have him throw a quick slant to Robert Brooks that Brooks took to the house for the longest pass in NFL history.  The only thing redeeming about that game was the greatest catch in Bears history (note: it wasn’t made by a player).

But the real reason I hate Brett Favre is because everyone blows so much smoke up his ass.  Every Monday Night Football was dominated by John Madden basically sucking Favre’s dick on air.  “Oh, Brett Favre.  Look at how strong his arm is.  That throw can’t be made by other players, but Brett Favre can do it.  Look at how much fun he has.  Nobody has more fun than Brett Favre.  Nobody’s tougher than Brett Favre.  I heard that rainbows shoot out of his dick, and that he shits unicorns.  Oh, Brett…”

"Oh no! My team lost beacuse I threw a pick. Oh well, back to "gunslinging."

It’s infuriating.  In his last 4-5 years, he’s had one good season, which ended with him throwing a pick to end their playoff run.  And that would have been a fitting way for him to end his career, simply because it’s his most defining characteristic.  Brett Favre led the league in INTs last year with the Jets.  If you’re thinking, “Well he’s older and he broke down towards the end,” then you don’t know Brett Favre.  He’s the career leader in interceptions for a reason.  He’s led the league in picks 3 times, finished second 3 times, and was in the top ten every year of his career.  And the reason I say his pick to the Giants would have been a fitting end to his career, is that he is also the career leader in playoff picks, including a record 6 in one game.  Several of those picks, just like in ‘07, ended the Packers’ playoff run.  You guys can have your “gunslinger” flinging the ball around with reckless abandon, I’ll take a guy who takes care of the ball over that any day.  I don’t want a leader who goes all-in on every throw and gets burned just as much as he comes through.  It’s a huge rush to watch, but it’s still a guy taking stupid risks needlessly.

Tearfull Press Conference Number 1: I love pain killers! They make me feel great! Can't play without 'em! But, you know, you guys should pitty me and then completely forget about this in a few years."

Favre won 3 MVPs in a row and broke the record for consecutive games played, both impressive feats, until you remember that he did so while taking PEDs.  During his MVP years Favre was addicted to painkillers.  He admitted as much in a tearful press conference, something that would become common in later years with Favre.  Would he have been able to play through all of those injuries and through all that pain without those painkillers?  Of course not.  That’s just as much of a PED as anything else.  He never would have broken the consecutive games streak without them.  They were propping him up throughout it all.  I’m not saying that he would have been terrible without them, I’m just saying that he wouldn’t have that record, and his star would be significantly diminished without it.

I wouldn’t hate Favre nearly as much as I do if everyone else would just acknowledge these things.  But instead they completely ignore them and only focus on the “fun” that he has on the field and his records (but not the one for interceptions, and not the asterisk that should be on his consecutive games streak).  In the end, I would put Favre in the top 10 QBs of the modern era, but no higher.  Just off the top of my head, here’s the list:

1. Joe Montana
2. John Elway
3. Dan Marino
4. Tom Brady
5. Peyton Manning
6. Steve Young
7. Johnny Unitas
8. Brett Favre
9. Dan Fouts
10. Fran Tarkenton