The Other Fifteen

There is a reason for this photo, I promise you (snicker)...

The Dontrelle Willis Fiasco has been written about time and again, so I won’t delve too deeply into it here, other than to point out:

Dontrelle’s nickname (the D-Train, natch) puts him in the rare category of sports stars who can use the music of Ozzy Osbourne and be totally, 100-percent in the clear for doing so.

And at no other time has a song been more appropriate for a sports situation. Few people actually know that “Crazy Train” is actually about Dontrelle and the Detroit sports scene. Let’s do a little analysis here, shall we?

(I mean, that wasn’t a question, more of a pleading command. Indulge me, please, this just came to me about 15 minutes ago.)

You’ll need a little visual aid, so click here.

OK. Got it? Let’s begin:

Crazy, but that’s how it goes/ Millions of people living as foes/ Maybe its not to late/ To learn how to love/ And forget how to hate

OK, well, maybe this isn’t an exact one-to-one parallel to the story of D-Train, but work with me here. In this first verse, Ozzy implores Tigers fans (millions of them) to be more understanding: sure, Dontrelle is crazy. Everyone is against him. But you know what? We have to learn to accept the faults of others. Only then can we help them to do better for themselves.

Mental wounds not healing/ Life’s a bitter shame/ I’m going off the rails on a crazy train

“Hmm, well,” Ozzy realizes. “Something’s not working. This bloke can’t throw strikes. But he’s already been on the disabled list once for this before. Now what?”

I’ve listened to preachers/ I’ve listened to fools/ I’ve watched all the dropouts/ Who make their own rules/ One person conditioned to rule and control/ The media sells it and you have the role

Work with me here:
preachers=Jim Leyland, Dave Dombrowski, Mike Illich
fools=Allen Trammel, Phil Garner, umm…Matt Millen
dropouts=wait, I think Matt Millen goes here, my bad
one person conditioned to rule=Barack Obama (General Motors baby, proud sponsors of your Detroit Tigers!)
media=Baseball Tonight staff

Mental wounds still screaming/ Driving me insane/ I’m going off the rails on a crazy train

Dontrelle can’t throw strikes once again and is back on the list.

I know that things are going wrong for me/ You gotta listen to my words

Dontrelle’s internal monologue, I guess.

GUITAR SOLO!!!!!

Ron Asherton comes back from the dead to cover Randy Rhodes’ original guitar solo.

Heirs of a cold war/ That’s what we’ve become/ Inheriting troubles/ I’m mentally numb/ Crazy, I just cannot bear/ I’m living with something that just isn’t fair

Eduardo Figaro’s turn for an internal monologue. He kinda looks like the D-Train. He wears his socks the same way. And, for a minute there on Saturday, I thought he was becoming the F-Train. And “F” would not have stood for “Figaro.” He, fortunately, knows how to get himself out of jams, so he’s the guy for now.

Mental wounds not healing/ Who and what’s to blame/ I’m going off the rails on a crazy train

We return to Dontrelle for the final word: he’s still not okay. Who knows if “anxiety disorder” is real of if he’s just a shitty pitcher?

We may never figure it out.

All parties exit stage left as Ozzy begins to play “Bark at the Moon“. Randy Wolf comes onstage, and the concert continues…

Post script: This is probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever written.