I’m in last place in my head-to-head keeper league. This shouldn’t be funny in of itself, but I thought I had a decent team. I thought wrong.
Talking to the league commissioner, who also happens to be the proprietor of this fine establishment, we were talking about my number three pitcher and trying to come up with derogatory names for him. That’s not too hard, since we’re talking about Mr. Dave Bush.
At one point, I said that the only thing I keep thinking about when Bush (the pitcher, not the president, the beer, or the other thing) comes to mind is the Red Hot Chili Peppers jam “Stone Cold Bush.”
Dave was mired in a sort of slump, so this was an apt name for him. But a new concept was born. What if I assigned every player on my fantasy team (Youppi!-fication. I know, it’s not that clever) a different theme song correlating with how I feel about them at any point in time?
So I’m going to tackle this one-by-one, whenever I feel like it, and post it here for your enjoyment. Maybe the songs will have to do, vaguely, with baseball. Or with their appearance. Or with how they act. Or the city in which they play/ originate from.
Maybe Almost certainly they won’t have to do with anything at all, and they’ll just be arbitrary. Mostly, I just wanted to write about my indie music cred (or guilty pleasures).
I’ll start with Dave Bush and the aforementioned tune. Take a gander
Never mind the fact that John Frusciante looks like….well, like a current addict rather than like a heroin casualty. Either way it’s almost shocking to see them actually bring the funk. Cause, you know, that kinda used to be their thing.
Now they release epic double concept albums with watered-down Maroon Five ripoffs (when you’re ripping off a band that previously kinda ripped you off…well, you know you’ve got problems…oh, hi Green Day!)
Anyway, this is Dave Bush’s theme song from now on. I might even give pull a Berman on him: Dave “Stone Cold” Bush.
Those not in tune with the good ‘ol days of the RHCP might mistake that for a wrestling reference, but they would be sadly mistaken.
Maybe lyrics like this are more than a little insulting to the guy: “She’s stone cold bush/ She’s got marble eyes/ Sweet china doll her thighs/ An animal in pain she starts to cry/ Her pipes are open wide/ She blows more than my mind”.
He’s been doing a bit better since I came up with the name—3-2 with a 3.92 ERA—but he imploded against the Twins and hasn’t scored me any points since, like, his first or second start. So until he stops getting animal raped by opposing hitters, the theme song remains.
Hell, who am I kidding? It stays regardless. That guitar riff so bad ass…
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