The Other Fifteen

The following is a letter to Rick Reilly in response to his latest article for ESPN the Magazine and ESPN.com, which you can find here. As a lover of baseball, good writing, and intelligent thoughts and ideas, his article violates everything I hold sacred. Below is my unabridged and unedited response.

Dear Rick,

There are so many things wrong with your latest article, I just had to write in and summarize it from a reader perspective so you know how you sound.

1^st: You think baseball is boring, but you LOVE to watch golf. Not just play, but watch.

2^nd: You HATE baseball enough that you would rather blind yourself à la Oedipus than watch a game, yet you want to be Commissioner.  That’s about as smart as electing George W. Bush, a man who doesn’t believe in federal government, to run our federal government. That worked out well, right?

3^rd:

“‘Why do all these ballparks have to be so precious?”  I was opining the other night.  “You take Houston’s.  Why does it have a rise in centerfield for no apparent reason?  Why is there a train running along the fence?  Any chance we could stick the architect under it?  Why is the outfield wall in San Francisco made of five different substances and at five different heights?  What is this, pachinko?’”

That is the bitching and moaning of a confused and cranky old man. You sound like Andy Rooney on a bad day after he’s shit his Depends. Also, PACHINKO? Don’t worry, that doesn’t make you sound old or out of touch. Nope, neither. As for whatever “point” you thought you were making, variation on park sizes and features is something that makes baseball unique and provides a home field advantage that has a greater impact on the game than just the crowd’s cheering.

4^th: There IS a pitch clock in baseball. Umpires are in charge of enforcing timely delivery to the plate, which has become a greater priority in the last two years.

5^th: The DH rule should be eliminated, not adopted by the NL. It is an illegal substitution. In baseball, whenever you take a guy out of the game, he can’t come back in. You can’t pinch-hit for someone and then bring him back.

6^th: Retaliation and intimidation are part of the game. They always have been and hopefully always will be. It is a contact sport, despite what other people try to claim. The contact is less frequent than football, but no less violent. It is a sport comprised primarily of hurling a ball with deadly force past a man standing with a club in his hands trying to bash it. The people who want to eliminate inside pitching from baseball are the same people that tried to take fighting out of hockey. They are an integral part of each sport, and anyone who wants to see them gone should just walk away from a sport that they neither understand nor really like and leave them to those of us who get it.

7^th: When you say that, “Balls that hit the foul pole are foul.  Duh,” you are acting as if this rule on fair/foul balls is exclusive to baseball.  Tennis has the exact same rule, where the ball must be entirely outside the line to make it foul. In both sports, when the ball clips the line, or the pole, it is still fair. In fact, in soccer you can dribble the ball while out of bounds as long as the ball itself is still in play, whereas in basketball you would be called out. Neither is right or wrong, smarter or dumber. But you certainly sound dumb trying to make it sound as if there is some kind of universal rule on fair/foul, in bounds/out of bounds in sports that only baseball is breaking.

8^th: Although I will always encourage higher education, just because someone attends a few years of college, or even attains a college degree (notice I didn’t say “earns”) it does not mean that they are well educated. This is especially true when you are talking about college athletes, most of whom have their “tutors” do all of their class work for them.  I shouldn’t have to remind you that Dexter Manly graduated from the U of Alabama despite being completely illiterate. Also, would you require foreign players to attend college? This doesn’t happen in the NBA either. On top of that, amateurism in the NCAA and Olympics was started as a means of keeping the upper classes from having to mix with the lower classes, who couldn’t afford to play sports without getting paid. This was mostly due to the fact that a) they didn’t want to interact with people they felt were below them and b) they knew that the lower classes worked in manual labor jobs and were more physically fit than them and would kick their asses all over the place or take their roster spots if they actually played.  This was the same thinking applied to segregation of races in sports. Your argument is classist and exhibits discrimination of the highest order. Athletes from poorer backgrounds shouldn’t be penalized for having to help provide for their families while the NCAA precludes them from making money off of their talent unlike any other student who has a job in their chosen field before they graduate.  On top of that, you end your argument by making fun of janitors for being uneducated. I think that is the perfect example of why you are both an idiot AND an asshole. There are janitors who are very well-educated, like the former doctor from Afghanistan who fled his war-torn home for Tucson and had to take any job he could to feed his family since he lacks proper licensing to practice medicine in the U.S. But assholes like you would never know his story or those like his because you would probably never take the time to talk to the guy.  Also, before he became the Godfather of Soul and The Hardest Working Man in Show Business, James Brown was a janitor with a third grade education. JAMES FUCKING BROWN! Just remember that the next time you decide to pick on the people who clean up our messes.

9^th: You end the article with “Now shut up and watch the game.” So someone who hates the game and would rather blind himself than watch it gets to share all of his misinformed opinions and half-baked ideas on the sport, but the rest of us who love baseball have to shut up about it.

In conclusion, I can’t believe that you have a job that pays actual money for you to share your “thoughts” on things that you obviously don’t understand. Your comments are not only stupid, but offensive. And not the over-the-line-but-funny “South Park” kind of offensive that is witty and thought-provoking, but the kind of offensive that can only come from a baby boomer who thinks he is in touch with people from all walks of life but is actually very sheltered and ignorant. But I think there’s a way to reconcile my anger and your obvious need to have some sense beaten into you in a constructive manner. I would like to propose a charity boxing match between the two of us. The money can go to either job placement for foreigners escaping war-torn areas, or to set up scholarships for baseball players who don’t make it and jobs to those who would like to attend college but need to help out their families financially. So, what do you say Rick? Are you willing to take a few punches in the name of helping those less fortunate than yourself? The offer is on the table.