Every off-season is filled with endless speculation about trades, the draft, and how Brett Favre feels lonely without millions of fans to watch his every interception so he might become a Viking because now he’s mad at the Packers and wants to get back at them like a jealous ex-boyfriend. So as a response to all the speculation that goes nowhere, I’m going to go the opposite direction and make at least one correct prediction for each team that is way to far in advance to be relevant in any way. I don’t have any inside information, and i won’t be going out on any limbs, but at least I will be much more accurate than some asshole reporter who passes along every rumor they hear.
Giants: They will win the division on the strength of their defense, which will improve with the return of Osi Umenyora. I probably just spelled his name wrong. I don’t care. Tom Caughlin will get mad at the refs or his players and turn red like a stoplight about 6 times a game on average. Brandon Jacobs will run people over. I am also predicting that, after their previous streak of 82 years was broken last year, Giants players will start a new streak of consecutive years without shooting themselves in the leg with a gun that is tucked into the waistband of their sweatpants that they chose to wear out to a club.
Eagles: They will do the same thing they always do. They will be just good enough to make you believe that they are actually good, then remind you that Andy Reed is as good a coach as he is a parent. McNabb will either look great or terrible, never consistently good. Their receivers will be assholes. Westbrook and his new rookie backup, Westbrook Jr., will catch the ball well, but not be able to run between the tackles or pick up a single yard on third or fourth down.
Redskins: Every year Daniel Snyder throws his money around like Pacman Jones at a strip club, making it rain on players that are past their prime. This off-season has proved no different. They will continue to get solid, efficient, and mistake-free play out of their QB, Jason Campbell, and the fans and media will still complain about him. Clinton Portis will get over 1,000 yards as usual, and make good use of the stripper pole, mirrors, and bed he has in his basement (as seen on Cribs).
Cowboys: The Cowboys will be terrible. Wade Phillips is a terrible head coach. They have no receivers. Their running backs are injury prone. Their defense is old and not good at playing defense. Their quarterback is getting married to a former reality star and failed teen pop singer who is most famous for being unimaginably stupid, and also for gaining about 20 lbs. once the Romosexual put a ring on her finger. Also, their owner is such an insecure prick that he once fired Jimmy Johnson after back to back titles because Johnson was getting more attention than him. On top of all of that, they have a new $1 billion stadium which, if the new Yankee Stadium is any indicator, should be a great success.
Bears: The Bears will be much better now that they have their best QB in 58 years (that’s not a joke, that’s a real thing). Cutler will have some pretty good weapons on offense with Matt Forte, Gregg Olson, and a receiving core made up of extras from the movie Necessary Roughness. The defense will be good but old. And Devin Hester will either return to dominance, or fade to complete irrelevance. Nothing in between.
Packers: They will be ok at best. Aaron Rodgers will play well, but they don’t have much of a running game, receiving core, or any kind of offensive line. I can’t remember who their tight ends are, but I’m 100% sure that none of their tight ends will allegedly engage in illegal activities with a teenage girl. ‘Cause, you know, they’ve been there, done that. Also, they will lead the league in defensive backs with comically long dreadlocks.
Vikings: “OMG! Do you think Brett likes us as much as we like him? Hey media, will you pass Brett this note that says ‘Do you like me? Circle yes or no.’ I know that Brett is just using us to get back at his old girlfriend in Green Bay who dumped him for a younger man, but who cares! Older QBs are so attractive with their experience, flashy lifetime stats, and impotent abilities.” Seriously, Vikings, you have Purple Jesus running the ball. Maybe you should concentrate on what you already have. Plus, you did fine with a different old guy at QB last year. That said, I think the Vikings will have the exact same record as in 2008, even though I don’t know what their record was, nor will I bother to look it up.
Lions: The Ford family has had a rough year. Their car company needs a bailout, and their team had the worst record ever. I have no joke here. They are the joke. Ha ha, you’re team is the worst and your cars aren’t selling! I do feel bad for the city of Detroit though. They need the distraction. At least they have Matthew Stafford, a young QB with a rifle arm that will keep him in the league for much longer than his inept decision-making skills should allow. And that’s the upside, a QB that will probably not pan out. I really miss Barry Sanders.
Falcons: The falcons will build on their success from last year with talented young QB Matt Ryan, and with breakout RB Michael “The Burner” Turner, who should have been kept last year by San Diego since he’s way better than LaDanian “The Whiny Bitch” Tomlinson. The thing I like about this team is how good receivers like Roddy White seem now that they have a real QB throwing to them. They also acquired Tony Gonzalez, who, aside from being he best tight end ever, is also a vegetarian and has become fluent in Spanish. Just putting that out there. Their defense is impressive as well. This is a playoff team.
Saints: I really want this team to be good. Not because they are the new “America’s Team,” but because New Orleans is built on two things I love: food and booze. Drew Brees is as good as any QB in football, and will keep them in the game no matter what. The problem with that is that the defense will keep letting games slip away from them. It’s almost like Brees is playing against his own defense for who can put up the most points on the board. This team also features Reggie Bush, who buys tampons for his amateur porn-star girlfriend.
Panthers: The Panthers aren’t nearly as good as most media members want them to be. I think there is an unwritten rule that all sportswriters have to pick either the Eagles or the Panthers to go to the Superbowl, neither of which will happen. Steve Smith is amazing, but can’t win a game on his own anymore. There is also a 25% chance that he will punch a teammate in the face and be suspended for at least one game (that is an actual percentage, as this has happened in 2 out of his 8 seasons as a pro). Jake Delhomme is over-rated. So is coach John Fox. They may also be without their best defender, Julius Peppers. Overall, I think the Panthers suck, but I’m sure someone will still try to say that they are a contender.
Buccaneers: I don’t understand why teams keep dumping Jeff Garcia. They guy wins. You don’t think the 49ers miss this guy? Alex Smith is really better than him? Brain Griese is better? What the hell is going on here? Also, Warrick Dunn is always being written and talked about for his charity, but he gets mad that the media focuses too much on that and not enough on his achievements on the field. I think we need to push the envelope on this one until he snaps. I can just see a media member asking him about his charity work after a big win until he explodes, “I’m a football player god damn it! Why won’t anyone talk about that?! Didn’t you see me score a fucking touchdown?! What the hell is wrong with you people?!” What a nice guy.
49ers: They will be mediocre, but not terrible, due to two factors. 1) They play in a shitty division, and 2) Mike Singletary will threaten to drop his pants again if they start losing. That guy is INTENSE. I wouldn’t be surprised if he becomes the NFL’s first ever player/coach when he straps on some pads during a blowout to show his players how it’s done. And I’m pretty sure that, despite his age, he would be an improvement over everyone on their roster except for Patrick Willis and Frank Gore.
Rams: For a second straight year they will battle the Lions for the title of Worst Team in Sports. Good thing they dumped that Kurt Warner guy huh? Great move. Steve Spagnuolo was a great hire, though. He should have a fun year trying to coach a defense that features one good player and an offense that features one good player. But seriously, that’s one more good player than the Lions have, so looks like they’ll be the runner up to Detroit again.
Seahawks: They lost their Coach/Gm with Mike Holmgren deciding to take some time away from football. And now their 12th man is now the best player on their roster. Their QB is breaking down and their RBs suck. At least they have a good receiving corps after adding Deon Branch and TJ Houshmadilla in consecutive years. They have a few good players on their D (Trufant, Tutupu, etc.), but that won’t be enough to save them from finishing 3rd in the division.
Cardinals: This team is fun to watch. It’s well coached and has great players like Warner, Fitzgerald, and Adrian Wilson. But if management trades Anquan Boldin I will actively root against them. He is one of their best 3 players, and one of the best possession receivers ever thus far in his career. But most importantly, he is the toughest man in the history of the world. Early last season, he was involved in a helmet-to-helmet collision that SHATTERED HIS FACE and knocked him unconscious. The collision was so violent, Kurt Warner almost retired immediately. Boldin then went into surgery, where doctors placed 14 plates and screws into his face WITHOUT ANESTHETIC because if he was put under that soon after a concussion he might suffer brain damage. As if that wasn’t tough enough, Boldin CAME BACK TO PLAY FOOTBALL LESS THAN A MONTH AND A HALF LATER. He then helped them get to the Superbowl by winning 3 straight road games. By all accounts his teammates like him. Kurt Warner signed with AZ for a hometown discount specifically to save them money to try to re-sign Boldin. So, if you are listening AZ management: PUT UP THE MONEY AND RE-SIGN ANQUAN BOLDIN. This guy put his life on the line for your team and it took you to the Superbowl. If you don’t keep him there will be some seriously bad karma hanging over your franchise.
Patriots: They won 11 games last year, and that was the third worst year they’ve had this decade. Why will they be great again this year? Same as always: Belichick, Brady, and a surrounding cast made up of shrewd draft picks and trades. I know that mainstream sports media will be forced to hype up Brady’s knee (Will it hold up? Will he return to form?), but that’s fucking stupid. He’ll be as good as reigning MVP Peyton Manning was last year after knee surgery. That last sentence was meant as a complement, but I know it will make Patriots fans furious.
Dolphins: I like watching this team, mostly so I can watch Pennington and Parcells both get to torture Jets fans. Tony Sparano is obviously a good coach, turning around a terrible team in one year after they dumped their best defender. And you know your coach is good when half the league is following his move to the “Wildcat” offense after he broke it out. They’re winning with a high school playbook! I think Sparano should push this as far as he can and institute an “Every Play will be a Trick Play” policy this year, just to fuck up the other coaches when they try to keep up with him.
Jets: They fired their coach last year even though it was their QBs fault for leading the league in picks. Now they have both of their running backs making contract demands. Their upside is a rookie QB who came out as an underclassman, which is a bad thing historically speaking. Basically there is no upside for the Jets. The best thing they have going for them is that asshole fireman that gets up on his buddy’s shoulders and plays cheerleader. Go Gang Green!
Bills: I can’t really say anything good or bad about the Bills. They’re alright I guess. I wonder if that’s why they’re considering a move to Toronto. At least people would have something to say about them. But then their name would be the Toronto Bills, which makes even less sense than the Utah Jazz. It would suck for that town to lose its team. But on the flip side, Buffalo is basically a frozen outhouse, so you can’t blame the team for wanting to leave. Willis McGahee is totally forgiven for getting out of there. Not forgiven by Bills fans, not by a long shot. But forgiven by the rest of us who don’t have to live in Buffalo.
Steelers: They’re contenders. They have the same team makeup they did in the 70s: a good coach, a good QB, a good receiving corps, and a good defense. I can’t find anything wrong with the defending champs. They should be even better next year with healthy RBs. My only prediction is that someone will take a cheap-shot on Hines Ward this year. Defensive players love to rock someone with a big hit, but can’t stand a taste of their own medicine. Pussies. Hines Ward is the shit.
Ravens: They should be good again. They have a smart young coach, the same great D as always, and a good young QB. It will be interesting to watch the slow transition of this team from an aging Ray Lewis to a young Joe Flacco. Ed Reed will remind people that he is the best athlete on the field and win his second Defensive Player of the Year award.
Bengals: I can’t believe Marvin Lewis still has a job. He has an ongoing mutiny on his hands and management is ok with this. It took him half a season to go back on his “No more criminals on the team” policy AND HIRE BACK THE SAME CRIMINAL THAT MADE HIM INSTITUTE THAT POLICY IN THE FIRST PLACE. Way to stick to your guns Marv. Also, management refuses to trade Chad Ocho Cinco even though he has every reason to complain and openly doesn’t try hard. This is by far the most dysfunctional team in all of sports.
Browns: This team was good two years ago, and bad last year. What changed? Not much, actually. They traded Kellen Winslow Jr., which is a good thing since he was way better at crashing his motorcycle, having swollen balls from an unnamed STD, and shooting off his mouth than he was at playing football. They might also lose Braylon Edwards, the league leader in drops. In all, these are good things. It will give them an excuse to play Brady Quinn and get him some help through the draft over the next few years. As a side note: this division might be the worst in sports as far as quality of the towns involved. Baltimore is The Wire, Pittsburgh lost all of its steel manufacturing jobs, Cincinnati is the third best town in a shitty state, and Cleveland is The Mistake by the Lake. If you don’t believe the name fits, just check out this and this.
Texans: Steve Slaton is fuckin’ awesome. Andre Johnson is sick. They have a good defensive base to build on with Mario Williams and DeMeco Ryans. But they one major problem (aside from shitty QBs): the coach. I used to like Gary Kubiak, but then he started running illegal practices involving full contact and getting his own players hurt before the season starts. It’s not that I dislike him for breaking the rules, I just think he’s an idiot for hurting his own players before the season starts. He should have been fired for that. They have a chance to be better this year based on their young guys maturing, but Kubiak might injure one of them, so all bets are off.
Colts: They’ll still be good, but they are in a slow decline. Dungy’s gone, Manning is getting older, Harrison is diminished, etc. They still have a lot left in their tank, but not as much as they used to. They’re no longer contenders in my mind. They should still win their weak division and get into the playoffs, but I don’t see them as a threat. Plus, their D was never good, only passable. Also, now that RCA no longer sponsors their stadium, they can’t use their speakers to pump in artificial crowd noise.
Titans: They’ll be very good, not great like last year. Their D will take a bit of a hit after letting Albert “The Head Stomper” Haynesworth walk. Jeff Fisher will keep them in contention. Here’s my bold call for this team: Vince Young will take the reigns back by learning to stay in the pocket and make his read progressions before taking off too early.
Jaguars: They will either rebound from last year and prove it was a hiccup, or completely collapse. David Gerrard needs to recoup and justify the money they paid him before last year, and Jack Del Rio needs to win his team back, as they seemed to quit on him (as exemplified by the fights with defensive leader Mike Peterson, who is now a Falcon). My hope for them is that troubled receiver Matt Jones gets help for his drug problems, both for his own health and so that he can get back on the field and continue his terrible career with the Jags.
Chiefs: They fired Herman Edwards, which sucks for everyone who enjoys good sound bites (“You play to win the game!” “We can build on this!”). They also ignored the fact that they had a pretty good QB on their hands in Tyler Thigpen, and instead traded for Matt Cassel. Cassel is an upgrade, I think , but I’m not sure they needed to spend draft picks on a position that they were already OK at while the rest of the team is in shambles. Also, I like watching Larry Johnson fail. He shat on two people I respect: Dick Vermeil and Priest Holmes. He’s had one good season, yet acts like he’s Jim Fucking Brown. Fuck Larry Johnson. On a lighter note, they traded Tony Gonzalez, which sucks for their fans, but is awesome for him. No use in spending his later years on a shitty team when he deserves better. Sorry KC, but it’s true.
Broncos: Ha ha Denver! Just when you thought you were heading back up to the top your new coach fucked with your Probowl QB and got him traded to the Bears! Jokes on you. And you didn’t even get Matt Cassel out of it either. Now your team consists of two good receivers and one of the worst defenses in history. The only thing I know about your team other than the receivers, bad D, and inept new coach is that you have a player named Elvis. So you have that going for you, whatever that’s worth.
Chargers: San Diego fans, I have something to tell you. Nobody with any common sense likes your team outside of your fans. Sure, some people ignored LaDanian’s whining for a while, but now they see that he is really kind of a bitch. If I ever hear him compared to Walter Payton again I’m going to throw up in my own mouth. Phillip Rivers has skin so thin that he feels the need to talk shit back to hecklers. Shawne Merriman is a steroid user with the dumbest celebration dance since Mark Gastineau. 2 years ago, linebacker Steve Foley was involved in an incident that led to an offduty cop having to shoot him several times, this after he already had assaulted a cop a few years prior. The rest of the defense then dedicated their season to him. Becauase he really deserved to be honored that way. Your team let Michael Turner go. They fired Marty Schottenheimer for a coach who is the poster boy for great coordinators who can’t make the leap to head coach, and solely for the reason that your GM is an asshole and couldn’t get along with Marty. The only thing anyone likes about your team is watching Darren Sproles, and even that is just because he constantly reminds us of the movie Rudy. I have nothing against Antonio Gates, but he seems to be declining. Aside from that, we all HATE your team. It’s made up of assholes up and down the depth chart, coaching staff, and front office. I can’t believe Chargers fans support any of these pricks. My prediction for this team is that they’ll suck. Merriman will never make it back from his injuries, and Tomlinson is on a welcomed decline. And Phillip Rivers is a punk. Fuck the Chargers. Worst collection of people in one place since the Bush Administration.
Raiders: Man, I want to make jokes about them, but I’m struggling to find ones that aren’t of the fish-in-a-barrel variety. Poor Raiders fans. Your team is being haunted by a zombie version of your former owner. That press conference about the Lane Kiffin firing was more descriptive of what’s wrong with him and your team than anything else. He used out-dated technology (an overhead projector) to show a rambling, paranoid letter that he sent to Kiffin. And this was supposed to prove what? That he made paranoid claims about Kiffin? So Kiffin deserves to be fired? All it proved was that Al Davis is senile. Half the retired Raiders on the planet came out, mostly unsolicited, to say that Davis is insane and hurts the team. So what do you do? Wait for Al Davis to die? You can’t root for that! First of all, that’s a despicable thing to do, and secondly, the guy used to bring you championships. Your team just passed over the next Larry Fitzgerald for the next James Jett in the draft, your franchise QB is seemingly a bust, and the RB you drafted last year was unimpressive. You have one great player, Nnamdi Asomugha, and as a DB he can only impact the game so much. On top of that, his name is unpronounceable, which doesn’t help. Your team is going to be terrible. I know that you all wish I would make a joke about your team right now, just to lighten the mood, but I can’t think of any. I think I actually pity you.
That’s about it for all 32 NFL teams. Please feel free to write back in the comments and tell me if you agree, disagree, want me dead, or want to have my baby.